Battling emotion vs. logic

[cd62]

Hi: Im new to this forum but would like to vent and possibly get helpful advice. I've been married for 13 years, have 3 daughters ages 11, 15 & 18. My 11 yo is with my current husband but he also raised my other 2 dauthers and is the only father they've ever known. About 18 months ago my husband told me he is no longer in love with me and would like for us to live separate lives. We don't fight or argue and basically get along, our main problem was his lack of communication or williness to communicate which eventually chipped away at our marriage, but he is tired of the struggle and wants out. I was unwilling to accept this and stepped away to apease him but inside believed he'd change his mind. I forced him to go to marriage couseling after having much trouble with depression and he agreed but after 4 months of it realized that we werent getting anywhere so he again asked for the same arrangement. It's been very hard to accept and get over it and the farce of a "happy marriage" for the children's and our parent's sake has really worn me down. Now 18 months later I don't think I can do this anymore. I wanted to spare my children the heartache I am feeling but I just don't have it in me anymore. It hurts too bad to look into his eyes that once held so much love now look at me with indifference. He is still good to me and we still don't argue and so everyone thinks we are a great couple but it couldnt be less true. Recently in light of the new year and all I have decided I can not stay in this rut anymore and that I have to find a way to move on. I have told him that our living condiditons need to change and am entertaining the thought of converting the garage to a separate living quarters for him so that my youngest can still interact with him and feel that nothing has changed for her as she is my primary concern. Although we get along (in an idle chit chat kinda way but nothing deep) I don't know if this is a good choice vs. having him move out all together. I just dont know which is worse--having him close enough where its in my face everyday or have him leave--where I have my own emotions/loss to deal with as well as my children's emotions. I dont know if I am strong enough and am in a quandry.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I just wanted to say welcome.

This sounds like such a painful situation to be in. I agree with you that it seems time to do something such as move out. Are you in counseling by yourself?

 

[cd62]

Hi Janet: Thanks for your posting, welcome and empathy. I guess we're just at the point where we are deciding exactly what those living conditions will be, keeping the children first, of course. I look at my little one and she is so happy go lucky that it pains me at the thought of turning her world upside down like mine was and it makes me wonder yet again, what is the best solution. I'm not in couseling, but am fortunate enough to have a handful of very supportive friends who are always there for me, something that my husband doesn't have and I believe envies. I think maintaining these friendships are a small portion of what has led him to this decision... I believe he would have preferred that the time I've spent with friends be time spent at home, but now being in this situation, I'm glad I nurtured those friendships because those friendships are what is helping me through this. I know I always have a shoulder to cry on or a place to stay if I need it and that is comforting to me.

 

[Piscesangel7]

Hello,

I am sorry to hear of your pain, but know what you are going through.
I have been putting up a facade as well for my children and parents. I don't want to hurt my children. It is a very difficult situation. Yes, be thankful you have such wonderful friends (as I have one best friend who is a blessing) to help you through.
I wish you the very best!