Being Assertive

[wren]

As some of you may or may not remember, I work in Human Resources and I have depression/anxiety/social anxiety and Body Dysmorphic issues I'm working through with professional help.

An issue that's come up is my inability to assert myself, and this is a problem that blew up in my face last year as I dealt with a really stressful class.

This time, I've got a temporary position with the place I did my internship, and I assist the executive. (I actually did well at my internship)

However I feel there are a few issues I can't seem to rectify.

I'm still considered pretty quiet, but my attempts at changing this haven't gone so well. I make a point of always going to lunch with people just to avoid them thinking I'm a snob, even though I'd rather decompress by myself. The people there are older than me and beyond small talk we don't have a whole lot in common so the hour feels like a long time. Sometimes I can have a lot to talk about with older people, but this is not the case.

The only thing is that there is this woman whose behaviour is eerily similar to a girl I had problems with in my class. I keep coming accross people like her and I almost feel I need to learn to not let this type of person press my buttons.

I've tried being nice to her, but she constantly criticizes and complains. It's the general consensus, I believe, that she can be quite nasty, but people still hang out with her and no one stands up to her.
The other day she was complaining about how "pointless" the internships were for how little you get out of it (I am the only studen who's ever done one there, and I worked very hard) right in front of me, and she continuously criticizes the work I do for her, even if it's obvious that she's dropped the ball.
I've tried being open to suggestion, but day by day I never know where the issue is going to come from.

Today she confronted me and I told her I had emailed her a solution, she rejected it, then I followed up several times for clarification on this particular issue she was concerned about and that I was waiting until she got back to me. I had made attempts to solve it before but she kept shooting the solutions down without any follow up possible solutions. She got really mad about how now she has to do it all herself and stormed off when I was still prepared to do it for her.

This kind of thing has happened at least 4 times since I have come there.

She's very gossipy and I know she's stressed about her job, but I feel that I often become a scapegoat to people like her. I'm quieter and I'm told people think they can step over me for that reason. If I try to make conversation and ask "oh, what's the topic of that seminar?" She'll break in with "IT'S JUST FOR HR PEOPLE" as if to say "don't even bother asking, you can't come". I know I can't come, I'm just trying to make conversation.

There's a student worker my age who's extremely outgoing and by their accounts, good looking, and he's the only guy in the department. They love him, and I've never heard her talk to him the way she talks to me.

I try not to internalize her behaviour but it's hard when I see she applies her standards inconsistantly.

Have you ever had to deal with an insensitive or aggressive person at work who seemed to continuously find fault? How do you deal with it?
How should I excuse myself politely from lunch without looking like a snob?

I don't want to spend lunch with her as she is a drain, but she is always there. How do I have my own lunch without making it look obvious? I feel like so much of getting a job is fitting in and being liked.

Secondly, the next time I am confronted, I want to respond positively, but I find it difficult. My heart races and I fly right into flight mode. I can't barely breathe and my body goes cold. I want to be able to stay calm and assert myself without crying. How do you do this without making the office really uncomfortable?

 

[crzycadn]

Hi Wren,

Oh-my-God! There is always one, isn't there? I will be really interested in seeing the advice you get from the forum. Unfortunately, I don't have any and I have been in your position before. It's worse if it's your boss or a supervisor.

It's so hard when someone new at work who is intelligent and hard-working, but is constantly being sabatoged and criticized for absolutely no tangible reason you can honestly think of. You go home at night in knots and dread work the next day. You try to think of different ways to deal with this person, and no matter what you do, nothing works. Even a civil discussion with the person regarding the issues you are having produces no results. You think to yourself "well, everyone else surely sees what kind of person she is", yet no one speaks up or sticks up for you, and when she belittles you in front of others, you just want to sink in your chair.

As someone who is looking for employment, this very thought is in my head and I am already trying to prepare for it. I consider myself to be quiet as well, and easy going and quite good at small conversation. I stay away from gossip and listen to instruction, yet I have been in positions with co-workers that really shakes my opinion of humanity in general. You just wonder how some people can be so mean and vindictive. It's their problem, not yours, but it becomes your problem when you can't deal with it effectively. I've been there and I feel your frustration, fear, anger and sadness. It's especially difficult when you are coping with your own mental health issues.

I've been going on-line and reading different "coping with difficult co-workers" strategies hoping that next time I'll be ready, but I doubt that this is enough.

If you find any tools that work, please share them. Good luck and I'll be thinking about you.

 

[Jazzey]

An issue that's come up is my inability to assert myself, and this is a problem that blew up in my face last year as I dealt with a really stressful class.

Yes, at time this can become a bit of a problem. But there are ways to be assertive while still remaining in your own comfort zone.

For instance, in the scenario that you give below, telling the lady the following: "I've provided you with a few options. But, if you have other solutions that you feel would be more adequate, I'd be happy to investigate those possible solutions". You're throwing the ball back in her court. Putting her gently back in her place, reminding her that those types of communications require cooperation - particularly for human resources solutions.

I'm still considered pretty quiet, but my attempts at changing this haven't gone so well. I make a point of always going to lunch with people just to avoid them thinking I'm a snob, even though I'd rather decompress by myself. The people there are older than me and beyond small talk we don't have a whole lot in common so the hour feels like a long time. Sometimes I can have a lot to talk about with older people, but this is not the case.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a little more quiet, more reserved. In fact, don't feel obligated to go to lunch every day. Maybe take a day here and there where you tell your colleagues that you have other plans. Don't try and provide any other explanation - they don't need it. If they push it, just gently repeat that unfortunately, you have plans that particular day but that you'd love to join them next time. And Wren - good on you for being willing to play the game. Unfortunately, we all have to play the game to some extent - even when it's out of our comfort zone.

The only thing is that there is this woman whose behaviour is eerily similar to a girl I had problems with in my class. I keep coming accross people like her and I almost feel I need to learn to not let this type of person press my buttons.

Precisely. I've found over the years that there are certain people (more often women in my experience) who do this. Particularly if you're a little younger or newer to the profession. In my opinion, it's a means of asserting what I'd consider a 'fake' power struggle - one that's created in their own minds. So, keep doing what you're doing - not letting her push your buttons. But, do it in a more assertive way for your own benefit. For instance, keep copies of her requests for information and keep copies of any of your responses to her.

If/when she's rude to you in a more public venue, excuse yourself and tell her that you have a busy day ahead of you but, that if she has any further questions, she can send you an email with her request. Pee in the sand, so to speak - you don't have to be rude, but you do have to let her know that you will not play in that particular game of hers.

I've tried being nice to her, but she constantly criticizes and complains. It's the general consensus, I believe, that she can be quite nasty, but people still hang out with her and no one stands up to her.

You don't have to be 'nice'. Maybe polite, but not 'nice'. What is keeping you from gently saying to her that you don't appreciate her tone at any given moment. Maybe approaching her in private and asking her whether there is an issue between the two of you that needs to be resolved - give her specific examples of her behaviour. Call her on it, politely. And if she blows up - walk away from her immediately.

The other day she was complaining about how "pointless" the internships were for how little you get out of it (I am the only studen who's ever done one there, and I worked very hard) right in front of me, and she continuously criticizes the work I do for her, even if it's obvious that she's dropped the ball.

Don't stick around for those conversations. Every time she starts one of these, pick up your things and walk away....immediately. Again, you don't have to be rude. But, you do need to show her that you will not be exposed to her brand of behaviour.

She's very gossipy and I know she's stressed about her job, but I feel that I often become a scapegoat to people like her.

Never, ever partake in office gossip - either as a listener or as a speaker. That reputation sticks to people and it diminishes trustworthiness and credibility. We all have gossips in our offices. Whenever one tries to engage me in one of those conversations, I find a reason to walk away. For instance, on the corner of my desk, I always keep and empty red folder. Whenever someone comes to see me and tries to engage in gossip, I grab that folder and say "oh my, I completely forgot about this - I better take care of this right now. Nice talking to you (big smile)" and I walk away. I have to do it this way because I'm not good at confrontation myself...But, over the years, I've developed various strategies, like this one, to save myself from certain office situations.

I try not to internalize her behaviour but it's hard when I see she applies her standards inconsistantly.

I know it's hard to believe, but this really has nothing to do with you. And, everything to do with this person. Just remember that whenever she shows you those behaviours.

Have you ever had to deal with an insensitive or aggressive person at work who seemed to continuously find fault? How do you deal with it?
How should I excuse myself politely from lunch without looking like a snob?

See some of my responses above.

Secondly, the next time I am confronted, I want to respond positively, but I find it difficult. My heart races and I fly right into flight mode. I can't barely breathe and my body goes cold. I want to be able to stay calm and assert myself without crying. How do you do this without making the office really uncomfortable?

It takes practice Wren. Next time, start by calmly counting three to five seconds in your mind - all the while just looking at her. It's ok if there are a few seconds of silence - it'll give whatever you say afterwards that much more credence and importance. And, you can respond positively - it's all about reconstructing a sentence sometimes. So for instance - "You never give me the right solutions" "oh, I didn't realize that you weren't happy with them. If you can point to a specific problem with my solutions, maybe I can find a better solution for you (smile)"; "interns are useless" - "Oh, I was actually thinking that the internship programs were here to offer a wonderful learning experience to the intern, all the while offering a form of cheap but good labour to the employer (smile)"....Anyway, you get where I'm going...

Good luck Wren.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

There's nothing wrong with going to lunch occasionally with these people (to prove you're not a "snob") but that doesn't have to be every day.

Sometimes, people with anxiety disorders or social anxiety do need solitary time to decompress, as you put it. Don't underestimate the importance of this. Take that time for yourself and when you feel up to it you can do the social lunch thing periodically.

 

[Futurepower3000]

There's nothing wrong with going to lunch occasionally with these people (to prove you're not a "snob") but that doesn't have to be every day.

Sometimes, people with anxiety disorders or social anxiety do need solitary time to decompress, as you put it. Don't underestimate the importance of this. Take that time for yourself and when you feel up to it you can do the social lunch thing periodically.

Bingo!!! its all about playing the game with balance and harmony.