By myself?

[Thais__]

First of all, hi to everybody! (I'm new)

Uhh, I hate to just jump right into my problem, but, oh well.
I'm 17 and I have been "battling" with bulimia ever since I was 14, or at least I think it's bulimia. I binge in massive amounts, it's actually quite disgusting, but I only purge when I'm feeling terribly awful, and there's no one home to avoid getting caught, so my purges are not to often, my binges though, are daily. To try and "make up" for it I take tons of laxatives, or I go on a really restricted diet (I eat approximately an apple, some diet jell-o, and a cup of broccoli or vegetable soup in a day), and do like 5 to 6 hours of gym, jogging, cycling, aerobics mostly, that'll "burn my fat", but this dieting and working are not often either, just when I feel really motivated, so I have now a 15 kilos (30 pounds approximately) overweight. Actually, when I started binging and purging, back when I was 14, I really stuck to it, but then I shifted into a really strict diet lifestyle, with diet shakes, and just eating salads, and hours of gym,? and I lost 7 kilos (14 pounds) off my normal weight. I got rather skinny back then <edit by mod: please do not post specifc weights or heights out of sensitivity for other members on this forum>. This went on for a couple of months, until I completely lost control and started eating excessively, at first I regained what I lost, which was ok, since I was underweight, but then it got ugly. I started eating and eating non stop with off and on purges , and started taking laxatives, and in 2 years I gained 30 pounds <edit by mod: see note above>. Not only that, my skin is filled with stretch marks (from gaining so much weight), and my digestive system is a mess.
Now, the really bad part is that my family won?t leave me alone about how fat I am, they constantly tell me I?m ugly because I?m so fat, that I?m destroying myself, that I look obese, like a little monster. And I can?t tell anyone about my problem, first because of my mom, I don?t know how she would react, and I?m really scared, and also, she has enough problems to have, on top of everything, a mentally unstable daughter to deal with.
I?m trying to lose weight, to avoid my binges, but ?normal eating? no longer exists in my vocabulary, I am a true extremist, I either eat pounds of food, or nothing at all.

I need help, before I kill myself (because sometimes I really wish I could.)

 

[Diana]

Hi Thais,
No, you're not by yourself. Yes, it sounds like you are bulimic, but there are so many different ways to have an eating disorder - so many titles and different degrees to which you fit those titles. So, I think what's most important right now is that you try to get some help. You need support. Your family is probably saying the wrong things to you because they want to protect you, but they don't know how. I assume you're in highschool? If so, your best move might be to try talking to a guidance counselor. You don't need to pay money to do that, and he/she might be able to send you in the right direction.(I mean to another therapist or someone who can help you). But, eating disorders are not easy to get over and it's important that you seek help as soon as possible. Good for you for recognizing your problem and reaching out through this forum. The forum is always here. It's a good first step. Keep us updated.

 

[Eunoia]

hi Thais! welcome. 1st of all, I'd say you're right that there's a problem- it doesn't matter whether you purge a certain number of times, the fact is you binge & then use "inappropriate compensatory behaviours" such as purging, laxatives & restricting to counter those. The problem with severe restricting for one is that you're inadverntantly setting yourself up for a binge later on, b/c your body is so depleted of nutrients it needs even just to maintain itself on a daily basis- hency why the cravings kick in. The constant "ups and downs" in terms of your body weight and change in diets/ exercise really do cause your body to react in similar ways- holding on to any calories it can get to "store up" for example.

Your family and their comments do not sound supportive at all- and if it doesn't make the situation worse, it sure doesn't help it. Maybe they're just concerned about you and your health, but their comments don't help. Do they have a problem w/ weight by any chance? I really do think you should tell SOMEONE. If not your mom, then a school counselor, a friend's parents, a teacher, a relative... anyone who you trust and is in a position to help your or find you some professional help. You don't deserve to suffer like this, no one does, and the sooner you take charge of this problem, the better. Trust me. Your mom would probably react like any mother or parent or even friend who cares about you and is concerned about your well- being. If you were to tell her maybe you could do it with someome, like your school counsellor, and you could think about giving her some info to read about ED's- a lot of the time people get scared and might react negatively b/c they don't know what they're facing. You're her daughter and any parent would usually much rather hear about their child's struggle than have things get worse out of fear that the child is "burdening" them.

The thing is, you're tyring to lose weight, which you said you need to do- did you consult a doctor on this? S/he could sit down with you and help you come up with a healthy eating plan & exercise program, b/c any kind of diet won't produce long term weight loss, it's the lifestyle changes that will make a difference. But even the best intentions won't go far if you're dealing w/ other problems, and I think there's a reason why your ED has persisted until now... so talking to a therapist might be your 1st step actually. Again, the "simple" solution to avoid binges is not to restrict or set yourself up to be in a binge siuation- w/ available food or when you feel vulnerable such as being stressed or bored or upset. But you can't just say that to someone w/ an ED, b/c all the logic in the world won't help to just "stop", especially if the eating disorder serves some kind of function and is engrained to the point of where the boundary btwn normal and abnormal is pretty blurry..... The goal is not to find an extreme or try to stick with one, but to find some kind of healthy balance. Please try to talk to someone about this to get yourself some support. It'll be a huge load off your shoulder.