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adaptive1

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Its no secret, I am at the end of my rope because of the way that I have been acting, sometimes I feel like packing it in, just as I get better I get worse again and worse and worse. But at the same time, part of me thinks that I brought this on by myself because it is easier to live in a fantasy world than the real world. I cant tell you exactly what happened but needless to say if I woudl have been honest with myself and faced my problems I wouldnt be where I am today. The truth is that someone hurt me and rather than admit it to anyone or myself I have somehow given myself OCD. Its so hard to admit what I have done to myself.

I dont even know what my question is. I guess its just this and its all I can say, what is the difference between someone taking advantage of you physically and rape? IF someone admits to the first is it the same thing. What if it feels like it is. What if you tried to say no but the words couldnt come out and now you spend all your time blaming yourself for letting someone hurt you? What do you do?

I finally figured it out
 
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Daniel

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What if you tried to say no but the words couldnt come out and now you spend all your time blaming yourself for letting someone hurt you? What do you do?

One answer:

I am not at all afraid to say, what happened was and IS sexual assault. I would call it date rape. The thing with having to say "no" is in my opinion nonsense. Our bodies scream NO, and if someone loves us and knows us they will be able to tell when we aren't "into it." My partner now wouldn't dream of pushing me. She knows when I am with her and when I am not. The first thing here is stop blaming yourself. Come to terms with what happened. It sounds like right now you are just feeling a lot of denial. Like you don't want to believe what happened is sexual assault.
You are not alone. A lot of people "just want it to be over with" So they do anything for the act to be over. They just go with it. Many disconnect and or dissociate. So that they don't have to feel it.
I don't believe that this was consentual at all. There is help. There are support groups and organizations that can help. Because i don't know where you are. Please check out Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. The website can help you locate centers near you. Or you can also call the hotline. That number is 1-800-656-hope.

Rape Counseling: Was it or wasn't it?
 

adaptive1

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Thats nice of you Daniel, but I dont have any stength of character and I am tired and I dont want to deal with this anymore.
 

Daniel

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As you say, the important thing is not to blame yourself:

...now you spend all your time blaming yourself for letting someone hurt you?
 

adaptive1

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But I have created so many problems for myself, I cant do my job anymore, my compulsive OCD behaviours have taken over my life and I did it all because I didnt want to deal with reality. I just cant see a way out of this, I am using a stupid oven timer now to be able to do one thing for more than ten minutes at a time. I am nothing but a freak of nature now.
 
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maladaptive, i am sorry for what has happened to you. no one should ever be subjected to what you have been subjected to and it is a traumatic experience. it is not surprising you are struggling right now.

it is quite common for rape victims to blame themselves. however, it is important for you to know that this is not your fault. you didn't do this to you. your assailant did this to you.

are you currently seeing a therapist?
 

Daniel

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I just cant see a way out of this...

It does take more time to heal than we would like. However, anxiety disorders, including OCD symptoms, are highly treatable and people usually recover to fully-functioning levels sooner or later, with the frequency and degree of relapse being lessened by maintenance treatment and social support.
 
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David Baxter

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You're not a freak of nature. You probably do meet the criteria for OCD but so do thousands, perhaps millions of other people.

What happened didn't cause OCD - you already had that tendency or vulnerability - but it may well have made it worse. OCD is about trying to make an uncertain and unpredictable world more certain and predictable and, while it doesn't really do that, being in a situation where you felt totally out of control may well exacerbate those tendencies.
 

adaptive1

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Thanks for your posts you guys, Dr. Baxter your reply was very helpful. I am really sorry for all the stupid posts I put on here in the last few months, I totally crashed to the point where I thought of doing something stupid to myself the last night I wrote on here. I decided its better to face my problems head on and this includes medication and a serious committment to dealing with my problems. Thanks so much for answering me though, you have no idea how much it helped.
 

Halo

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I am glad that you decided against doing something harmful to yourself and that you are making a committment to medication and to dealing with your problems. That is definitely a step in the right direction.

Another thing, you never have to be sorry for what you post on here...we are all here to listen and help anytime we can because that is what this forum is all about. People helping people. I am just glad that we were there to help you when you needed it.

Take care
 
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Nancy's right. The forum is here anytime you need it.

And I'm also glad you didn't do something harmful to yourself.
 

David Baxter

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Yes. What Halo said - exactly right.
 
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poohbear

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I'm sorry, too. Some people are just CREEPS and don't care what harm they do unto others. I some of your same issues, most likely related to my own assault(s):grouphug:-- in fact, I could add a few to the list! Please don't feel like a freak of nature. There are so many of us out there. There are so many others that can learn from us. Keep posting, it will help. It's helped me. Just in the last week. So, don't give up. Please.
 

adaptive1

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Thanks you guys, that is really nice to hear. Again I thank you for your kindness and support and wish you all a happy new year.
 

adaptive1

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I saw him tonight, it was so totally unexpected.

I am surprised at the depth of my anger, he didn't even acknowledge my existance. As if he didn't even know me, like I wasn't even worth the time. The lack of acknowledgement fuels my anger, I dont know what I expected, an apology, some kind of gesture? What was I thinking, up until now, I had some sort of delusion that he felt bad about all of this. He doesnt feel bad, he probably does not even remember.

I guess I just wanted something from him to make up for the nightmare that has been my life since he came into it. I sit here and feel like I could have an anxiety attack at the thought of ever running into him again, up until now I didnt even think it was a possiblity.

Why is it me that feels the guilt and the shame? Why is it me that has had to carry the pain of what happened for all this time? Why does he get to have a dating life and I cry at the thought of even having to go on a date again?

Why isnt he the one posting crazy messages on a forum at 1:00 in the morning, why am I the one that has to pay for something that he did?

I am done blaming myself, I know its no point blaming him now either, this message is counter productive, but I had no honest clue how angry I was until I saw him. I am so mad, I am shaking right now.

I have to move on and the thing is, seeing him made me so much more determined to get through all this other stupid OCD and all the rest of this stuff. I had no idea I was SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!! Why is it that I have never in my life ever felt like it was ok to express anger.

Please feel free to delete this post, I know I sound crazy, I just dont know how else to get all this out of my system. I am going to get better, enough is enough, I am not going to let this be it for me, he does not deserve to come out ahead here.

And Another Thing​

:hissyfit:
:hissyfit:
:hissyfit:


I am mad, I am mad, I am mad, I am mad, I am mad...

Did I mention I was mad????

Ok, done now, thanks, think its out of my system...

I am surprised how good that felt :confused:
 
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David Baxter

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Why is it me that feels the guilt and the shame? Why is it me that has had to carry the pain of what happened for all this time? Why does he get to have a dating life and I cry at the thought of even having to go on a date again?

Perhaps because you are a living, breathing, sensitive human being and he lacks the ability to really feel empathy or to care. Pity the poor women he's dating....

And, as distressing as all this is right now, be thankful that you are NOT like him. The fact that you are YOU is an advantage, though it may take a while for you to believe that.

I am done blaming myself, I know its no point blaming him now either, this message is counter productive, but I had no honest clue how angry I was until I saw him. I am so mad, I am shaking right now.

I have to move on and the thing is, seeing him made me so much more determined to get through all this other stupid OCD and all the rest of this stuff. I had no idea I was SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!! Why is it that I have never in my life ever felt like it was ok to express anger.

And anger can be a good thing, especially in these circumstances.

As painful and distressing as seeing him again was for you, this is actually a step forward for you, maladaptive1.

Just let me know when you want to change your name to adaptive1.
 
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good for you adaptive! let yourself be mad, feel what you're feeling. you have every right to your anger and more.
 

adaptive1

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I thank you both for your kindness and your sanity in the midst of my insanity:eek:

You have truly helped me through some of the darkness days I have ever known.

I would like to change my name now please, if thats possible, I don't know if the day will ever arrive where I will think, oh, I finally arrived and have it all figured out. Maybe we are all just what we think we are, if I think about myself as healthy and adaptive, maybe I will be.

Bottom line, I guess I would prefer to think of myself as someone that is just adjusting to some difficulties and is making it through ...

:dimples:
 
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Bottom line, I guess I would prefer to think of myself as someone that is just adjusting to some difficulties and is making it through ...
this describes things perfectly :)

congratulations on the name change!! :yahoo:
 

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