Can't bury it

[Lonewolf]

As a youngster, I mastered the art of burying my emotions and it got through the hardest times of my life like this!! It worked for me!!! I managed!!
But did I? Is this what has made most of my adult life a living hell? I don't remember any of the good times as a kid, there must have been some??
Since the **** hit the wall, I have somehow lost the skills I learnt to survive before I was 15 years old, I can't pretend anymore! I think I have buried so much, it's over flowing now!! I still repress my emotions when im in certain situations, but they all spill out when im alone!! And then they frighten me because I don't have control!!
I wish I could bring back the skill of burying it all again, maybe dig another hole?? I have had the painful past and present issues bought up to the surface alot recently and I would do anything to put it all together in a box and put it in the deepest hole I could dig! I could be happy, I wouldn't have the constant reminder everytime I am brave enough to look in the mirror! !
I have either got to bury it all or bury myself!! I am not getting any help at the moment apart from a support worker I can chat with!!! It's not getting any easier! ! Why can't I just bury it all??
And leave it there?? Why can't I become a hard nut and then nothing would worry or upset me, not a care in the world!! No fear of anything! Not needing anyone! People wouldn't mess with me!! Maybe even scared of me and that would give me some power back!!
I'd love to not give a hoot about anyone or anything! Will the ability to switch these thoughts and feelings off ever com back?? I had it once!!! And I am annoyed with the people who opened me up to this world of pain and anguish, I don't think has done me much good!!
Sorry, I don't mean to upset anyone, im hurting and im angry!!

 

[GDPR]

Re: can't bury it!!!

Sorry you're hurting.

I think,maybe,that we get to a point where we can't bury everything anymore because we are able to handle it.

I wish you could find some kind of help.Have you searched online for support groups for your specific issues?What about the one I told you about in a PM?Did you check it out yet? Are there any face to face support groups where you live?

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: can't bury it!!!

I was told that as a child we buried it all so we could survive it j ust happened but now we are adults the past will come back because we as adults will be able to confront it and do what is necessary to heal ourselves With support i hope you deal with past hun I understand the want to bury it i do and i too am angry for it being brought to surface as i was functioning now i am not but in time perhaps we both will gain control again hugs

 

[Lonewolf]

Re: can't bury it!!!

Thanks for the link in the PM, I have had a look at it and it may be of use to me!!!
Unfortunately, there are no groups for this here and im a bit concerned about attending one if i could ever find one, vulnerability and all that!!!
Thankyou all for everything you do!!! X

 

[Lonewolf]

Re: can't bury it!!!

Just need to feel safe!! Im finding life very scary! Have been watching horror films because I thought I could hide in the fact that they are someone elses nightmares im seeing, and not my own flashing infront of me! And now I am scared of every little noise and shadow so really I haven't done myself any good at all!! I am trying so hard not to give into the urge of ODing! Trying to distract myself, but I just end up back there!! Wondering! Contemplating!

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: can't bury it!!!

ODing will only cause you more problems hun so do n't go there ok you do not want to deal with after affects try turning on some quiet music to calm your mind or turn on a comedy somethng that will make you laugh ok I am sorry you do not feel safe but you are hun no one is there to harm you now h ugs

 

[GDPR]

Re: can't bury it!!!

Please don't do anything you will regret later. The way you are feeling will eventually pass.

I have been in your shoes many times,and I understand how hard it is not feeling safe and being afraid of every little sound,or even your own shadow on the wall.

Do you have a favorite movie?One that no matter how many times you have seen it,you love watching it again and again?Find one of those,curl up on the couch with a soft blanket,get yourself some hot tea or milk and just try to let yourself enjoy it.

(Leave the lights on though,all of them if you need to.When I am feeling that way I even sleep with the light on.)

---------- Post Merged on April 9th, 2014 at 08:15 AM ---------- Previous Post was on April 8th, 2014 at 09:32 PM ----------

Lonewolf,I woke up this morning thinking about you and wondering how you are feeling.I hope you are doing better.

Do you work?Or do you have any hobbies or anything to keep you busy? Just curious.I work part-time,which is difficult a lot of times,but it gives me a reason to get out of bed and a way to keep my mind occupied;that's why I hold on to this job.Sometimes I think about quitting(actually a lot of the time I do),but I don't want to go back to just being at home all the time and lost in my own thoughts.

If you don't work,is there some where you would like to volunteer? I volunteered at a homeless shelter years ago,I helped prepare and serve meals.It was very helpful. I don't know about where you live,but here,there's many different places to help out,animal shelters,hospitals,etc. If you do something like that,not only will it give you something to do to distract yourself,it will make you feel better about yourself.It feels good to help others.And it's a good way to make new friends too.

 

[GDPR]

Just wondering how you're doing Lonewolf.Hope you're doing okay.

 

[Harebells]

Are you ok Lonewolf? Haven't heard from you in a while...hope you are alright xx hope to hear from you soon...

 

[Lonewolf]

Hi! Ive been pre-occupide lots of stuff!
I took alot of meds and only woke up yesterday after a couple of days of being really knocked sideways by what I did to myself!
I have been trying to work through some stuff, but im struggling with the way it leaves me feeling! don't know if it's doing me any good?? It feels lonely and very painful! And as I have said before im i struggle with the emotional agonies!!
I have avoided s/h but not in the safest way, it may no be the most safe way, but its a way none the less!!!
The internet is a very dangerous place when you are not in a good state of mind and its so easy acesss sites that are potentially leathel and I got so sucked in by it, I almost signed up to a suicide pact!!
Thanks for asking about me, its comforting!
I fewl like im slipping away into my own terrifying world! Locked in!
Sorry, I apologise! It seems like I have never said anything positive on this forum!! Please know I do appreciate you guys being there, alot!! Wish I could be cheerful, but it doesn't appear to be in my vocabulary! Im a misery!!
I am sorry! I hope that someone will tell me if im just a miserable nuisance!! I apologise again!!

 

[forgetmenot]

I am glad you had the sense to stay clear of that suicide pact hun very dangerous to get involved with that ok You instead reach out here where we will help to support you in a good way hugs please stay safe hun

 

[Harebells]

Thanks so much for posting Lonewolf, it's great to hear from you, sorry to hear you are still struggling so much, you are doing great to keep surviving all of this. Have you had any more word on the therapy? Best wishes x

---------- Post Merged at 08:30 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 08:27 AM ----------

Please don't apologise for anything, it's great that you're here. You're not a nuisance, not in the least x

 

[Lonewolf]

Unfortunately there's no therapy in sight!! I guess i survived just to suffer some more!! Hey, why not, someone's got to do it and I'd rather it was me than anyone else!! Don't like seeing other people suffering for anything!
This is my penance!!!!
Im so sorry, i sound like a real marter, but i really wouldn't wish this on anyone else!!

 

[Harebells]

That sucks about the therapy, I wish mental health was made a higher priority in our society (instead of giving bankers huge bonuses etc etc etc....!) I know you wouldn't wish suffering on anyone but you deserve to live without suffering as much as all those others. Do you have any care worker, just as in anyone in general that you have regular contact with who knows what's going on with you? Sorry if you've said about that before.

 

[MHealthJo]

You have said positive things on the forum Lonewolf because you have told us the times when you have moved towards getting help, things that you have done sometimes to look after yourself and be nice to yourself, and things that you like and your pets. We are glad you have been able to continue holding on and when you have been able to look for whatever avenues might be positive things for you.