Please allow me to apologize in advance for the length of this post...
I'm certain that my story is rote. I know that I could find all of the answers that I need and more by reading each and everyone of these posts, or even searching the depths of my soul. But, I can't force my so-called husband to move out of our house even though he's been telling me for the past 3 or so months that he's not in love with me and that he no longer wants to be married. Of course, I could change the locks. I could put all of his things on the front lawn. I could somehow find a way to force him out of here. The only problem is that I need his help financially.
Two years ago, at 36 I decided to go back to school. At the time, I was working as a Real Estate Appraiser, and as we all know the field, as well as my career, took a complete nose-dive. I've been able to work very little since then, and in May I was officially laid off. I'd been taking out exorbitant amounts of student loans to supplement my lost income, all the while trying to find part-time work on the weekends. His income barely covers our mortgage, which we stopped paying about 6 months ago. Foreclosure is inevitable.
Which brings me full-circle to the point of why the man wants to continue staying here: he doesn't want to have to go elsewhere and pay a rent and at the same time help me maintain this house, which costs roughly $600 per month in utilities alone. So, he's basically squatting here, hiding in his bedroom, staying out until all hours of the night. I know that I can get an attorney to try to get the process rolling, but the fees!
Yes, one would think that when we began to fall behind on our mortgage, I should have dropped down to part-time status at school and gone out to find a job, however, I received a scholarship that will cover my full-time tuition on the stipulation that I use it during the next year or lose it. He seemed to be on-board with this endeavor, always saying that we'd just have to 'tighten our belts' and get through it. But that's the what he'd always say in lieu of the uncomfortable money conversation.
He would never sit down and talk with me about finances or work together to try to create a budget. He would choose only to fight with me, saying over and over that money is the number one thing that couples fight about - as if he's entitled to continue to punish me about the situation instead of actually trying to work it out. For the past couple of years, I've tried to convince him that we need to get rid of the house and downsize into something that we can afford. His response, "I refuse to fail at this." He has, however, no reservations about failing at a marriage, I suppose because because it's easier to blame that on me. I've even offered relinquish my bankcard to him and would accept an allowance instead. He saw this as a weakness on my part, and would say that I should be better able to control my spending. Yes, of course I should, and perhaps I should have prefaced all of this by admitting that I'm terrible when it comes to money - but, I was always willing to follow a structured plan had one been put in place. Ironically, however, whenever he wanted me out of his hair, he'd encourage me to spend money.
It may be pointless, but I feel that I must go even further back to the beginning of the end. In January, I went on a trip to Asia - a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for which I had reserved an airline ticket with air-miles (essentially free) 6 months prior. I had friends to stay with over there, so the trip actually cost very little. I had begged him to come with me, but he didn't want to spend the money - understandably. I'd grappled with the idea of cancelling for months. I'd even spoken with his family about it on several occasions and they urged me to go (ulterior motives? probably). Finally, two weeks before the trip, my husband scheduled an elective wrist surgery for a problem that he'd been suffering with for the past 18 years, to be performed two days before I left for Asia. I suppose that this was his way of telling me that he didn't want me to go. Perhaps I should've listened. Surely, I should have listened. But a huge part of me thought, "why couldn't he have made his feelings known long ago, before I even reserved the ticket?" He'd been on many trips before that didn't include me, albeit not to the other side of the planet. Needless to say, I went, and his family flew him home to Ottawa (we live in SE US) so that they could nurse him - and I became the worst wife on the face of the earth.
A few months later, he told me that his family had offered (more spite-work) to send him to Italy (he grew up there), to attend the marriage of his cousin, and that I wouldn't be coming. When he returned (May), I was using his computer-with his permission- and noticed that he'd applied for a job in Italy. When I confronted him, he said that if things didn't work out, he'd move there without me.
In the months that followed, he completely turned to ice where I was concerned. He would never answer my phone calls - I'd have to call three and four times, only to finally receive a call back hours later. He wasn't interested in any type of physical contact - which wasn't so out of the ordinary as things had been strained for a while in that area as well.
It wasn't until late August, when I was planning a surprise 40th birthday gathering for him, that I'd realized that things had truly progressed to the point of no return. I'd gotten hold of his contact list from an old cell phone. I called all of his friends, many of whom I'd never spoken to before. I began to realize that he'd been using these friends as alibis - amazingly, they unknowingly volunteered so much information - I didn't even have to ask for it. I confronted him, and of course he continued to lie, and lie, and lie, until he was finally convinced that I had spoken to ALL of his friends. He admitted that he was spending time with a woman from work - OF COURSE, they were just friends. Two days later, after he had professed his love for me and agreed to go seek therapy (I'd been begging him to do this w/me for the past 2 years), I found damning text messages to this woman (I miss you, can't wait to be with you, I miss your touch, and so on) sent that very evening that he had decided that he wanted to work things out. He still denies any involvement with this woman - of course does.
So there I sat/have been sitting, hurt beyond any hurt I'd ever experienced. Sure, I've been dumped before, probably even cheated on, but by my husband of 6 years, 8+ years together? He was so angry that I caught him in these lies - "how dare I call his friends", he said. Umm, trying to give you a surprise party? He put upon me any sort of blame one could imagine - he called me a leach, a deadbeat, a c***, attacked my character in any way possible, even criticized my body, said that I pushed him away and toward this other woman (the one that he's NOT seeing), said that I left him for school, that I'm the source of all of our financial problems, etc... He even went to the point of removing all of my family and friends from his Facebook - people that have seriously been nothing but kind to him.
Which brings us to the past month, of utter hell, living with a person that hides from me, won't even give me the time of day. I have to literally ambush him to get an opportunity to talk with him. Of course, his reacation to that is, "why are you even talking to me?", as if I have no right. Yes, I realize that I shouldn't even be trying to talk to him, because I only expose myself to more hurt and frustration. But, I need closure. I need to know what will happen tomorrow, next week, .... I'm the type of person that'd rather fight than deal with complete silence. To me, silence is a punishment. I realize now that he's been punishing me in this way since day one - witholding his love and communication each time I didn't perform in the way that he'd wanted me to.
He continues to tell me that he's looking for a place to live - more lies, I suspect. He says that he's leaving me because he wants peace. Is this peace? The scary thing is that he doesn't seem to be suffering one bit, while I am completely broken. Sure he's not suffering - he's getting attention and ego-stroking from someone else.
After a week, I finally broke the silence yesterday morning. He asked me what I wanted from him, what I was trying to gain by talking to him. "Do you want me back," he asked, to which I replied, "no." "So why are you even bothering me then?" I thought about it for a few minutes and said," I want my husband back, whoever that person was." Perhaps that person never existed, and this is who he really is, this horrible, unfeeling monster who would go out of his way to hurt me.
I don't want to be a victim. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, nor do I want to go on grieving endlessly. As horrible as he's been to me, part of me does want him back. Of course, logic tells me that nothing good will come of it. I know that I need to dig down deep and find a way to muddle through this situation, but even at my best, I've always struggled with self-empowerment, self-esteem...
Also, I don't want to seem naive. I know that this sort of thing happens every day. I realize that I could be 20 years, 30 years into this marriage, or worse, there could be children involved. I know that I will move on from this, but could I possibly begin the healing process while living under the same roof with this man?
Despite all that I've written thus far, of course our history has so many more layers to it that I could go on forever. But I guess that none of that matters now - what to do next is the question here.
I'm certain that my story is rote. I know that I could find all of the answers that I need and more by reading each and everyone of these posts, or even searching the depths of my soul. But, I can't force my so-called husband to move out of our house even though he's been telling me for the past 3 or so months that he's not in love with me and that he no longer wants to be married. Of course, I could change the locks. I could put all of his things on the front lawn. I could somehow find a way to force him out of here. The only problem is that I need his help financially.
Two years ago, at 36 I decided to go back to school. At the time, I was working as a Real Estate Appraiser, and as we all know the field, as well as my career, took a complete nose-dive. I've been able to work very little since then, and in May I was officially laid off. I'd been taking out exorbitant amounts of student loans to supplement my lost income, all the while trying to find part-time work on the weekends. His income barely covers our mortgage, which we stopped paying about 6 months ago. Foreclosure is inevitable.
Which brings me full-circle to the point of why the man wants to continue staying here: he doesn't want to have to go elsewhere and pay a rent and at the same time help me maintain this house, which costs roughly $600 per month in utilities alone. So, he's basically squatting here, hiding in his bedroom, staying out until all hours of the night. I know that I can get an attorney to try to get the process rolling, but the fees!
Yes, one would think that when we began to fall behind on our mortgage, I should have dropped down to part-time status at school and gone out to find a job, however, I received a scholarship that will cover my full-time tuition on the stipulation that I use it during the next year or lose it. He seemed to be on-board with this endeavor, always saying that we'd just have to 'tighten our belts' and get through it. But that's the what he'd always say in lieu of the uncomfortable money conversation.
He would never sit down and talk with me about finances or work together to try to create a budget. He would choose only to fight with me, saying over and over that money is the number one thing that couples fight about - as if he's entitled to continue to punish me about the situation instead of actually trying to work it out. For the past couple of years, I've tried to convince him that we need to get rid of the house and downsize into something that we can afford. His response, "I refuse to fail at this." He has, however, no reservations about failing at a marriage, I suppose because because it's easier to blame that on me. I've even offered relinquish my bankcard to him and would accept an allowance instead. He saw this as a weakness on my part, and would say that I should be better able to control my spending. Yes, of course I should, and perhaps I should have prefaced all of this by admitting that I'm terrible when it comes to money - but, I was always willing to follow a structured plan had one been put in place. Ironically, however, whenever he wanted me out of his hair, he'd encourage me to spend money.
It may be pointless, but I feel that I must go even further back to the beginning of the end. In January, I went on a trip to Asia - a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for which I had reserved an airline ticket with air-miles (essentially free) 6 months prior. I had friends to stay with over there, so the trip actually cost very little. I had begged him to come with me, but he didn't want to spend the money - understandably. I'd grappled with the idea of cancelling for months. I'd even spoken with his family about it on several occasions and they urged me to go (ulterior motives? probably). Finally, two weeks before the trip, my husband scheduled an elective wrist surgery for a problem that he'd been suffering with for the past 18 years, to be performed two days before I left for Asia. I suppose that this was his way of telling me that he didn't want me to go. Perhaps I should've listened. Surely, I should have listened. But a huge part of me thought, "why couldn't he have made his feelings known long ago, before I even reserved the ticket?" He'd been on many trips before that didn't include me, albeit not to the other side of the planet. Needless to say, I went, and his family flew him home to Ottawa (we live in SE US) so that they could nurse him - and I became the worst wife on the face of the earth.
A few months later, he told me that his family had offered (more spite-work) to send him to Italy (he grew up there), to attend the marriage of his cousin, and that I wouldn't be coming. When he returned (May), I was using his computer-with his permission- and noticed that he'd applied for a job in Italy. When I confronted him, he said that if things didn't work out, he'd move there without me.
In the months that followed, he completely turned to ice where I was concerned. He would never answer my phone calls - I'd have to call three and four times, only to finally receive a call back hours later. He wasn't interested in any type of physical contact - which wasn't so out of the ordinary as things had been strained for a while in that area as well.
It wasn't until late August, when I was planning a surprise 40th birthday gathering for him, that I'd realized that things had truly progressed to the point of no return. I'd gotten hold of his contact list from an old cell phone. I called all of his friends, many of whom I'd never spoken to before. I began to realize that he'd been using these friends as alibis - amazingly, they unknowingly volunteered so much information - I didn't even have to ask for it. I confronted him, and of course he continued to lie, and lie, and lie, until he was finally convinced that I had spoken to ALL of his friends. He admitted that he was spending time with a woman from work - OF COURSE, they were just friends. Two days later, after he had professed his love for me and agreed to go seek therapy (I'd been begging him to do this w/me for the past 2 years), I found damning text messages to this woman (I miss you, can't wait to be with you, I miss your touch, and so on) sent that very evening that he had decided that he wanted to work things out. He still denies any involvement with this woman - of course does.
So there I sat/have been sitting, hurt beyond any hurt I'd ever experienced. Sure, I've been dumped before, probably even cheated on, but by my husband of 6 years, 8+ years together? He was so angry that I caught him in these lies - "how dare I call his friends", he said. Umm, trying to give you a surprise party? He put upon me any sort of blame one could imagine - he called me a leach, a deadbeat, a c***, attacked my character in any way possible, even criticized my body, said that I pushed him away and toward this other woman (the one that he's NOT seeing), said that I left him for school, that I'm the source of all of our financial problems, etc... He even went to the point of removing all of my family and friends from his Facebook - people that have seriously been nothing but kind to him.
Which brings us to the past month, of utter hell, living with a person that hides from me, won't even give me the time of day. I have to literally ambush him to get an opportunity to talk with him. Of course, his reacation to that is, "why are you even talking to me?", as if I have no right. Yes, I realize that I shouldn't even be trying to talk to him, because I only expose myself to more hurt and frustration. But, I need closure. I need to know what will happen tomorrow, next week, .... I'm the type of person that'd rather fight than deal with complete silence. To me, silence is a punishment. I realize now that he's been punishing me in this way since day one - witholding his love and communication each time I didn't perform in the way that he'd wanted me to.
He continues to tell me that he's looking for a place to live - more lies, I suspect. He says that he's leaving me because he wants peace. Is this peace? The scary thing is that he doesn't seem to be suffering one bit, while I am completely broken. Sure he's not suffering - he's getting attention and ego-stroking from someone else.
After a week, I finally broke the silence yesterday morning. He asked me what I wanted from him, what I was trying to gain by talking to him. "Do you want me back," he asked, to which I replied, "no." "So why are you even bothering me then?" I thought about it for a few minutes and said," I want my husband back, whoever that person was." Perhaps that person never existed, and this is who he really is, this horrible, unfeeling monster who would go out of his way to hurt me.
I don't want to be a victim. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, nor do I want to go on grieving endlessly. As horrible as he's been to me, part of me does want him back. Of course, logic tells me that nothing good will come of it. I know that I need to dig down deep and find a way to muddle through this situation, but even at my best, I've always struggled with self-empowerment, self-esteem...
Also, I don't want to seem naive. I know that this sort of thing happens every day. I realize that I could be 20 years, 30 years into this marriage, or worse, there could be children involved. I know that I will move on from this, but could I possibly begin the healing process while living under the same roof with this man?
Despite all that I've written thus far, of course our history has so many more layers to it that I could go on forever. But I guess that none of that matters now - what to do next is the question here.
