Can't or won't stop, possibly attention seeking?

[Cat Dancer]

I tell myself I can't stop self mutilation. I tell myself I need to do it. I say I deserve to punish myself that way. My therapist says I can choose to stop. It's MY choice, totally. I think I am looking for excuses to do it for some reason. I get something out of it. It's more that I DON'T want to stop than that I can't stop. I was not doing it for several months so it's obvious I can choose not to harm myself. So why am I doing it now?

Maybe I want attention? I don't know. I SO don't want to be that way. I don't want to be manipulative. I think self harm can be attention seeking and manipulation. I don't think it is MOST of the time, but some of the time and I wonder if that is what I'm doing. I don't know if I'm crying out for help or trying to express something I simply cannot find the words to express?

I am so confused. I hate this. I just keep wondering if I can hold onto this behavior and be healthy mentally at the same time.

And with warmer weather the effects of it are more obvious. I cannot wear short sleeves or shorts without people staring at my wounds and scars. It's very obvious they are not from accidents. Then I feel angry at myself for ALL OF IT. I try so hard to understand and I've been trying to understand for so long and I still don't get it. I want to put this on the backburner for awhile and just keep the self mutilation. Just for now. I don't want to stop right now. I want to want to stop. I know that's horrible and sick. I'm sorry.

 

[busybee]

Hi Cat Dancer,

Gee this is right out of my knowledge zone and experience. You sound like a young person, and as a mum I just want to be able to hold you, and gently stroke your hair. Sometimes words cannot express the way we feel. When you push your feelings down deep inside and hide behind these actions, is it about things you can control because so much is happening over which you have no control.

I have no answers for you but I am here if you need to chat.

Busybee

 

[Jazzey]

So why am I doing it now?

Are there certain emotions that you're struggling with right now, CD? For me, I only SI when I'm really quite angry. It usually starts off being angry at a situation or someone and quickly reverts to being angry at myself for having those emotions. The SI is just a way to express it (for lack of a better way). About a month ago now, my T told me that I needed to own the scars. I'm not sure what precisely she meant in saying it, but I interpreted it in my own way for my own purposes and haven't SI'd since.

It's not because I haven't been angry since then. Rather, I appreciate where those scars came from now. I was able to anchor the SI'g to that emotion. And, for whatever reason now, when I'm angry I get the urges, but I'm even angrier at the idea of having to be accountable to another set of scars.

I don't know if that makes sense. But, I do not believe that it's attention-seeking. Can you anchor your SI'g to any specific emotion?

And with warmer weather the effects of it are more obvious. I cannot wear short sleeves or shorts without people staring at my wounds and scars. It's very obvious they are not from accidents. Then I feel angry at myself for ALL OF IT. I try so hard to understand and I've been trying to understand for so long and I still don't get it. I want to put this on the backburner for awhile and just keep the self mutilation. Just for now. I don't want to stop right now.

Yes, the scarring is / can be really embarrassing. I've started doing activities that I used to enjoy again but, that require exposing those scars - like swimming. Sometimes, people stop and ask me about them. So, I glare at them (the people, not the scars) and tell them "they're old". The response is more for me than for them - it's acknowledging that there won't be any fresh ones appearing, because I have to believe that.

So, back to you. Why are you SI'g? What is the emotion that you're feeding when you're doing it? You don't have to apologize for doing it but, putting it on the backburner isn't going to resolve it for you. You're going to have to do the heavy lifting on this one....Does your T know about your SI'g?

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi CD perhaps you are dealing with some heavy things in your therapy bringing up emotions that are too difficult to express or understand. It is the pain of these emotions that can start the SH again. I don't think it is attention seeking at all just a way to release the inner suffering. I hope you can perhaps look at it as each time you do not SH it is you having the control not the emotions I hope this makes sense take care okay you are so special just wanted you to really hear that okay

 

[kelsischanging]

Hi CatDancer,
I hear what you're saying and I understand what you are going through. I SIed for 3 plus years. It's a hard thing to deal with. It is a choice to stop but just because it's a choice does not mean that it's an easy choice or that it will be easy after you stop. Just like a drug addict makes a choice to get clean doesn't meant they don't have cravings to use again. It's the same way with SI. I chose to stop 6 months ago but I had choosen to stop many times before that. If you choose to stop you might have slip ups but that's ok...you can do it!!

I know you just want to put this on the "back burner" and not deal with it and that's understandable but you will be so much healthier and happier in the long run if you take the time to do some hard work and get through this...do you have a therapist?? If so do you talk to them about this?? If you have a therapist tell them how you have this pulling feeling that you don't want to spend the rest of your life using SI as a coping mechanism but seem to be afraid of what might happen if you do stop. Please know we are all here for you!:hug: