Child Abuse question?

[Heather]

Will I ever be able to get over the fact that I was abused as a child? Or will I just simply get better than I am now?

Heather...

 

[Ashley-Kate]

...

The holw point of therapie heather is to get over it .. to talk about it so that it is no longuer always in your head and to help you deal with it in a better way than what you are presently doing .. by talking about it you will then surely feel released from it .. it won<T erase the fact that it does exist and it did happen but it will help you move on and cope with it you will not only feel better you will feel free... i think that<s what everyone<s been telling my(my psychologist & psychiatriste..)
hope this was of use to you
talk to you later
chow
ashley
ashley-kate

 

[comfortzone]

Hi Heather,

Your child abuse experiences are a part of your life, a chapter of your life. These memories will regularly affect your life but that chapter does not need to be the focus of your life. It is important to work through your feelings and to see how those experience impact the present. Healing will take time and patience. Regular therapy sessions are very important as well as a support system to help you along the way. I wish the best for you in your healing process. Take care,

 

[Heather]

Hi Ashley and Comfortzone,

Thanks for the replies

I am getting better through therapy and I do hope that it stops being the focus of my life.

Thanks Dr Dobson for wishing me the best.

Heather...

 

[ThatLady]

I think it's also important to remember that our experiences, good and not-so-good, are what helps to give us the empathy to help another deal with similar experiences when the situation arises. One day, you may find that your childhood experiences will give you the tools to help someone else. For that reason, while we must work our way through the emotional scarring that occurs as a result of negative experiences, we also need to see the value of those experiences once we've learned to deal with them appropriately.

 

[Heather]

Yeah I understand where you are coming from ThatLady thanks for the reply, I am just sick of the pain. I will get over it though...

Heather...

 

[ThatLady]

I can imagine you are sick of it, hon. It's got to be very difficult to live with something like that. Yet, you're working hard to learn how to cope with the experience and put the pain of it behind you. That's a big YES!!! for you!

 

[comfortzone]

Hi Heather,

I have found that the words we use impact our lives. I noticed you said "get over it." Getting over pain leads one to think of an obstacle that is being jumped and unmanaged (which could possibly be encountered again). I tend to look at such pain as something we have to work through sort of like one of those icebreaking ships. The treatment we are in can be like the icebreaking ship...breaking THROUGH the issues of life and bringing healing to those areas of life. My hope for all is to be able to get through the negative and find a lifestyle that is more satisfying. Take care,

 

[Heather]

Thanks ThatLady -- I am working hard, 2 steps forward 10 steps backwards though, lol!!! But I am proud of myself for one thing -- I can now say I am angry that it happened to me and I didn't deserve it (this took a while, I always blamed myself), but now I sometimes winge that I am living everyday in pain for something I didn't do, but this is better than the blame!

Thanks comfortzone -- Thanks for what you said. I am bad I have a habit of saying 'i will get over it' meaning i probably won't and 'it's all good' meaning that it is actually bad.

Heather...

 

[Lana]

Hi Heather;
In the last decade, I have gone "through" the past. I won't sugar-coat it, it was a rough trip. But, if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. The pain does subside. Sometimes it comes to the surface. The difference now is that I know what it is, recognize it and am able to cope with it effectively. Part of going "through" it all means accepting that it did happen, and that it wasn't my fault. The other part is that while the abuse did have a tremendous affect and control over me then, it doesn't have the same privilege now.

Be patient with yourself, take that one step at a time, and when you need to take a couple back, keep moving forward anyways.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

while the abuse did have a tremendous effect and control over me then, it doesn’t have the same privilege now.

That's a very good way to put it... it reminds you that it can only affect you if you allow it too, and that you can learn NOT to give it that power.

I'm not at all trivializing how difficult it can be to learn that - just emophasizing that you CAN learn it, as Lana says.

 

[Heather]

Thanks Lana and David,

I have to admit that I am having a problem understanding about the it only has affect if you allow it to. I guess because I have been abused by a number of people (as a large portion of people have been) and so I am still feeling as though I have a sign saying abuse me I dunno but I know you know what you are talking about I am just struggling but am getting better.

Heather...

 

[Lana]

Hi Heather;

Here's an example: If you walked up to someone and said to them, "I want you to feel bad." What, do you think, would happen? (If you're not sure, try that on a friend and see what happens)

Complying with another's requests and wishes is allowing that person to have an affect on you and how you feel. In some cases, being responsive to another's request is a good thing, showing compassion and care. But it may become a problem if those requests have a negative impact on you. So, as adults, we ask ourselves, "is this good for me?" before we decide how we will respond.

In the case of child abuse, children are not equipped to make such determinations. That's what makes the abusers bad, not the children. As an adult, the situation can be much different, if you want it to be so.

Life is not perfect, people are not perfect, and sometimes there will be disappointments. But ultimately, we determine who will have an affect on our lives and in what capacity. So, we can choose to let the not-so-good past control us and dictate how we feel and act. Or, we can choose to take that control back.

I think you're on the right track, Heather, and you will get better. It just takes a bit of practice. )

 

[Heather]

Thanks again Lana,

I know life isn't perfect, either are people, believe me! I have had a lot of crap in my 24 years!

Thanks I hope I am on the right track! It is just hard when I have a lot going on and life is confusing me right now!

Heather...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

To add to what Lana said, one reason it is a difficult thing to learn to do is because it happened initially when you were a child. For young children, it is essentially an egocentric universe - if something good happens, it is because you are a good person; if something bad happens, it is because you are a bad person. Child abusers of various types know this and play upon this to blame the child victim.

Now, later, as an adult, memories of the abuse (or other traumatic memories) are qualitatively different than other (nontraumatic) memories - they trigger emotional reactions which are consistent with the incident itself, i.e., consistent with the reactions of a 7 year old child at the time of abuse - helplessness, powerlessness, inappropriate guilt or responsibility or shame or blame, etc. In a sense, part of you becomes that child again. Even when new abusive or traumatic incidents occur, you tend to be triggered into the child mode again and take on blame and shame that does not belong to you.

What happens in therapy is that you learn to identify these "child" reactions and in time to replace them with "adult" reactions - when that happens, the blame and shame is placed where it actually belongs, on the head of the abuser not the victim. This usually happens at an intellectual; level before it happens at an emotional level but in due course it will affect both. Once you fully accept that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the abuser, the memories are no longer able to cast you back into helplessness and shame - and then they cannot hurt you any more.

As I said earlier, i am not at all trying to suggest this is an easy process. I'm merely trying to reassure you that it can and will happen for you if you persist.

 

[Heather]

Thanks David,

That reply was really helpful, they have all been helpful but that one made things a little clearer I guess.

Well I am pretty sure I am prepared to take the path all the way (this is one of the reasons I am here).

Heather...