making_art
Member
Children & Separation or Divorce
Jocelyn Block, M.A., and Melinda Smith, M.A.
February 2011
Cooperative parenting with your ex can give your children continued stability and close relationships with both parents—but it certainly isn’t easy. In reality, putting aside relationship issues to co-parent amicably can be extremely stressful and difficult.
Despite the many challenges, though, it is possible to initiate and maintain a cordial working relationship with your ex for the sake of your children. You have the power to remain calm, stay consistent, and avoid or effectively resolve conflict with your ex—all in the name of putting your children’s needs first.
Co-parenting after a separation or divorce
Joint custody arrangements, especially after an acrimonious split, can be exhausting and infuriating. It can be exceedingly difficult to get past the history of hurts and built-up resentment you may have with your ex. Making shared decisions, seeing one another at drop-offs, or just speaking to someone you’d rather just forget about can seem like impossible tasks. But while it’s true that co-parenting isn’t an uncomplicated or perfect solution, it’s the best way to get your children’s needs met and ensure their closeness to both of you.
It may be tough going, especially at first, but you can learn to effectively co-parent and still keep your sanity and self-respect. It can be helpful to begin thinking of your relationship with your ex as a completely new one—one that is entirely about the well being of your children, and not about either of you. Your marriage may be over, but your family is not; doing what is best for your kids is your most important priority. The first step to being a mature, responsible co-parent is to always put your children's needs ahead of your own.
Co-parenting is the best option for your children
Through your parenting partnership, your kids should recognize that they are more important than the conflict that ended the marriage—and understand that your love for them will prevail despite changing circumstances. Kids whose divorced parents have a cooperative relationship:
The key to co-parenting is focusing on your child—and your child only. Yes, this is hard—really hard. It means that your own emotions—any anger, resentment, or hurt—must take a back seat to the needs of your children. Admittedly, setting aside such strong feelings may be the hardest part of learning to work cooperatively with your ex, but it’s also perhaps the most vital. Co-parenting is not about your feelings, or those of your ex spouse, but rather about your child’s happiness, stability, and future.
Separating feelings from behavior
It’s okay to be hurt and angry, but your feelings don’t have to dictate your behavior. Instead, let what’s best for your kids—you working cooperatively with the other parent—motivate your actions.
You may never completely lose all of your resentment or bitterness about your break up, but what you can do is compartmentalize that and remind yourself that those are your issues, not your child's. Resolve to keep your issues with your ex away from your children.
It may seem that there’s nothing you can do about your stress level, especially if you’re dealing with a painful divorce or the difficulties of being single again. But you have more control than you think:
Peaceful, consistent, and purposeful communication with your ex is essential to the success of co-parenting—even though it may seem absolutely impossible. It all begins with your mindset. Think about communication with your ex as having the highest purpose: your child’s well being. Before contact with your ex, ask yourself how your talk will affect your child, and resolve to conduct yourself with class. Make your child the focal point of every discussion you have with your ex-partner.
No matter what, communication with your ex is going to be a tough task. Remember that it isn’t necessary to meet in person—speaking over the phone or exchanging emails is fine for the majority of conversations. The goal is conflict-free communication, so see which type of contact works best for you. Whether talking via email, phone, or in person, the following methods can help you initiate and maintain effective communication:
If you are truly ready to rebuild trust after a separation or divorce, be sincere about your efforts. Remember your children’s best interests as you move forward to improve your relationship.
Parenting is full of decisions you’ll have to make with your ex, whether you like each another or not. Cooperating and communicating without blow-ups or bickering makes decision-making far easier on everybody. If you shoot for consistency, geniality, and teamwork with your ex, the details of child-rearing decisions tend to fall into place.
Aim for consistency
It’s healthy for children to be exposed to different perspectives and to learn to be flexible, but they also need to know they’re living under the same basic set of expectations at each home. Aiming for consistency between your home and your ex’s avoids confusion for your children.
Major decisions need to be made by both you and your ex. Being open, honest, and straightforward about important issues is crucial to both your relationship with your ex and your children’s well being.
As you co-parent, you and your ex are bound to disagree over certain issues. Keep the following in mind as you try to come to consensus with your ex.
Conflict is a normal, and even healthy, part of relationships. After all, two people can’t be expected to agree on everything at all times. Since conflict is inevitable, learning to deal with it in a positive way is crucial. When handled right, conflict provides an opportunity for growth.
Read: Conflict Resolution Skills: Managing and Resolving Conflict in a Positive Way
Joint custody tips for divorced parents: Making transitions easier
The actual move from one household to another, whether it happens every few days or just on weekends, can be a very hard time for children. Transitions represent a major change in your children's reality. Every reunion with one parent is also a separation with the other; each “hello” is also a “goodbye.” In joint custody arrangements, transition time is inevitable, but there are many things you can do to help make exchanges and transitions easier, both when your children leave and return.
When your child leaves
As kids prepare to leave your house for your ex’s, try to stay positive and deliver them on time. You can use the following strategies to help make transitions easier:
The beginning of your children’s return to your home can be awkward or even rocky. You can try the following to help your child adjust:
Sometimes kids refuse to leave one parent to be with the other. Although this can be a difficult situation, it is also common for children in joint custody.
Jocelyn Block, M.A., and Melinda Smith, M.A.
February 2011
Cooperative parenting with your ex can give your children continued stability and close relationships with both parents—but it certainly isn’t easy. In reality, putting aside relationship issues to co-parent amicably can be extremely stressful and difficult.
Despite the many challenges, though, it is possible to initiate and maintain a cordial working relationship with your ex for the sake of your children. You have the power to remain calm, stay consistent, and avoid or effectively resolve conflict with your ex—all in the name of putting your children’s needs first.
Co-parenting after a separation or divorce
Joint custody arrangements, especially after an acrimonious split, can be exhausting and infuriating. It can be exceedingly difficult to get past the history of hurts and built-up resentment you may have with your ex. Making shared decisions, seeing one another at drop-offs, or just speaking to someone you’d rather just forget about can seem like impossible tasks. But while it’s true that co-parenting isn’t an uncomplicated or perfect solution, it’s the best way to get your children’s needs met and ensure their closeness to both of you.
It may be tough going, especially at first, but you can learn to effectively co-parent and still keep your sanity and self-respect. It can be helpful to begin thinking of your relationship with your ex as a completely new one—one that is entirely about the well being of your children, and not about either of you. Your marriage may be over, but your family is not; doing what is best for your kids is your most important priority. The first step to being a mature, responsible co-parent is to always put your children's needs ahead of your own.
Co-parenting is the best option for your children
Through your parenting partnership, your kids should recognize that they are more important than the conflict that ended the marriage—and understand that your love for them will prevail despite changing circumstances. Kids whose divorced parents have a cooperative relationship:
- Feel secure. When confident of the love of both parents, kids adjust more quickly and easily to divorce and have better self-esteem.
- Benefit from consistency. Co-parenting fosters similar rules, discipline, and rewards between households, so children know what to
expect, and what’s expected of them. - Better understand problem solving. Children who see parents continue to work together are more likely to learn how to effectively and
peacefully solve problems. - Have a healthy example to follow. By cooperating with the other parent, you are establishing a life pattern your children can carry into
the future.
The key to co-parenting is focusing on your child—and your child only. Yes, this is hard—really hard. It means that your own emotions—any anger, resentment, or hurt—must take a back seat to the needs of your children. Admittedly, setting aside such strong feelings may be the hardest part of learning to work cooperatively with your ex, but it’s also perhaps the most vital. Co-parenting is not about your feelings, or those of your ex spouse, but rather about your child’s happiness, stability, and future.
Separating feelings from behavior
It’s okay to be hurt and angry, but your feelings don’t have to dictate your behavior. Instead, let what’s best for your kids—you working cooperatively with the other parent—motivate your actions.
- Get your feelings out—somewhere else. Friends, therapists, or even a loving pet can all make good listeners when you need to get negative feelings off your chest. Exercise can also be a healthy outlet for letting off steam. Never vent to your child.
- Stay kid-focused. If you feel angry or resentful, try to remember why you need to act with purpose and grace: your child’s best interests are at stake. If your anger feels overwhelming, looking at a photograph of your child may help you calm down.
- Use your body. Consciously putting your shoulders down, breathing evenly and deeply, and standing erect can keep you distracted from your anger, and can have a relaxing effect.
You may never completely lose all of your resentment or bitterness about your break up, but what you can do is compartmentalize that and remind yourself that those are your issues, not your child's. Resolve to keep your issues with your ex away from your children.
- Never use kids as messengers. When you have your child tell the other parent something for you, it puts him or her in the center of your conflict. The goal is to keep your child out of your relationship issues, so call or email your ex yourself.
- Keep your issues to yourself. Never say negative things about your ex to your children, or make them feel like they have to choose. Your child has a right to a relationship with his or her other parent that is free of your influence.
It may seem that there’s nothing you can do about your stress level, especially if you’re dealing with a painful divorce or the difficulties of being single again. But you have more control than you think:
- Stress Management: How to Reduce, Prevent, and Cope with Stress
- Quick Stress Relief: How to Manage and Relieve Stress in the Moment
Peaceful, consistent, and purposeful communication with your ex is essential to the success of co-parenting—even though it may seem absolutely impossible. It all begins with your mindset. Think about communication with your ex as having the highest purpose: your child’s well being. Before contact with your ex, ask yourself how your talk will affect your child, and resolve to conduct yourself with class. Make your child the focal point of every discussion you have with your ex-partner.
No matter what, communication with your ex is going to be a tough task. Remember that it isn’t necessary to meet in person—speaking over the phone or exchanging emails is fine for the majority of conversations. The goal is conflict-free communication, so see which type of contact works best for you. Whether talking via email, phone, or in person, the following methods can help you initiate and maintain effective communication:
- Set a business-like tone. Approach the relationship with your ex as a business partnership where your “business” is your children’s healthy adjustment and well-being. Speak or write to your ex as you would a colleague—with cordiality, respect, and neutrality. Relax and talk slowly.
- Make requests. Instead of making statements, which can be misinterpreted as demands, try framing as much as you can as requests. Requests can begin "Would you be willing to…?" or “Can we try…?”
- Listen. Communicating with maturity starts with listening. Even if you end up disagreeing with the other parent, you should at least be able to convey to him or her that you’ve understood his or her point of view. And listening does not signify approval, so you won’t lose anything by allowing your ex to voice his or her opinions.
- Show restraint. Keep in mind that communicating with one another is going to be necessary for the length of your children's entire childhood—if not longer. You can train yourself to not overreact to your ex, and over time you can become numb to the buttons he or she tries to push.
- Commit to meeting/talking consistently. Frequent communication with your ex will convey the message to your children that you and their other parent are a united front. This may be extremely difficult in the early stages of your divorce or separation.
- Keep conversations kid-focused. You can control the content of your communication. Never let a discussion with your ex-partner be about your needs or his/her needs; it should always be about your child's needs.
If you are truly ready to rebuild trust after a separation or divorce, be sincere about your efforts. Remember your children’s best interests as you move forward to improve your relationship.
- Ask his or her opinion. This fairly simple technique can effectively jump-start positive communications between you and your ex. Take an issue that you don't feel strongly about, and ask for your ex's input, showing that you value his or her input.
- Apologize. In the case that there is something you’re sorry about, take the time to genuinely apologize—even if it happened a long time ago. Apologies can be very powerful in moving your relationship away from being adversaries.
- Chill out. If a special outing with your ex is going to cut into your time with your child by an hour, graciously let it be. Remember that it’s all about what is best for your child; plus, when you show flexibility, your ex is more likely to be flexible with you.
Parenting is full of decisions you’ll have to make with your ex, whether you like each another or not. Cooperating and communicating without blow-ups or bickering makes decision-making far easier on everybody. If you shoot for consistency, geniality, and teamwork with your ex, the details of child-rearing decisions tend to fall into place.
Aim for consistency
It’s healthy for children to be exposed to different perspectives and to learn to be flexible, but they also need to know they’re living under the same basic set of expectations at each home. Aiming for consistency between your home and your ex’s avoids confusion for your children.
- Rules. Rules don’t have to be exactly the same between two households, but if you and your ex-spouse establish generally consistent guidelines, your kids won’t have to bounce back and forth between two radically different disciplinary environments. Important lifestyle rules like homework issues, curfews, and off-limit activities should be followed in both households.
- Discipline. Try to follow similar systems of consequences for broken rules, even if the infraction didn’t happen under your roof. So, if your kids have lost TV privileges while at your ex’s house, follow through with the restriction. The same can be done for rewarding good behavior.
- Schedule. Where you can, aim for some consistency in your children’s schedules. Making meals, homework, and bedtimes similar can go a long way toward your child’s adjustment to having two homes.
Major decisions need to be made by both you and your ex. Being open, honest, and straightforward about important issues is crucial to both your relationship with your ex and your children’s well being.
- Medical needs. Effective co-parenting can help parents focus on the best medical care for the child, and can help reduce anxiety for everyone. Whether you decide to designate one parent to communicate primarily with health care professionals or attend medical appointments together, keep one another in the loop.
- Education. School plays a major role in maintaining a stable environment for your kids, so be sure to let them know about changes in your child’s living situation. Speak with your ex ahead of time about class schedules, extra-curricular activities, and parent-teacher conferences, and be polite to him or her at school or sports events.
- Financial issues. The cost of maintaining two separate households can strain your attempts to be effective co-parents. Set a realistic budget and keep accurate records for shared expenses. Be gracious if your ex provides opportunities for your children that you cannot provide.
As you co-parent, you and your ex are bound to disagree over certain issues. Keep the following in mind as you try to come to consensus with your ex.
- Respect can go a long way. Simple manners are often neglected between co-parents, even though they should be the foundation for team parenting. Being considerate and respectful includes letting your ex know about school events, being flexible about your schedule when possible, and taking his or her opinion seriously.
- Keep talking. It might sound tedious, but if you disagree about something important, you will need to continue to communicate about the topic. Never discuss your differences of opinions with or in front of your child. If you still can’t oagree, you may need to talk to a third party, like a therapist or mediator.
- Don’t sweat the small stuff. If you disagree about important issues like a medical surgery or certain school for your child, by all means keep the discussion going. But if you want your child in bed by 7:30 and your ex says 8:00, try to let it go and save your energy for the bigger issues.
- Compromise. Yes, you will need to come around to your ex spouse’s point of view as often as he or she comes around to yours. It may not always be your first choice, but compromise allows you both to “win,” and makes both of you more likely to be flexible in the future.
Conflict is a normal, and even healthy, part of relationships. After all, two people can’t be expected to agree on everything at all times. Since conflict is inevitable, learning to deal with it in a positive way is crucial. When handled right, conflict provides an opportunity for growth.
Read: Conflict Resolution Skills: Managing and Resolving Conflict in a Positive Way
Joint custody tips for divorced parents: Making transitions easier
The actual move from one household to another, whether it happens every few days or just on weekends, can be a very hard time for children. Transitions represent a major change in your children's reality. Every reunion with one parent is also a separation with the other; each “hello” is also a “goodbye.” In joint custody arrangements, transition time is inevitable, but there are many things you can do to help make exchanges and transitions easier, both when your children leave and return.
When your child leaves
As kids prepare to leave your house for your ex’s, try to stay positive and deliver them on time. You can use the following strategies to help make transitions easier:
- Help children anticipate change. Remind kids they’ll be leaving for the other parent’s house a day or two before the visit.
- Pack in advance. Depending on their age, help children pack their bags well before they leave so that they don’t forget anything they’ll miss. Encourage packing familiar reminders like a special stuffed toy or photograph.
- Always drop off—never pick up the child on "switch day." It’s a good idea to avoid "taking" your child from the other parent so that you don’t risk interrupting or curtailing a special moment. Drop off your child at the other parent’s house instead.
The beginning of your children’s return to your home can be awkward or even rocky. You can try the following to help your child adjust:
- Keep things low-key. When children first enter your home, try to have some down time together—read a book or do some other quiet activity.
- Double up. To make packing simpler and make kids feel more comfortable when they are at the other parent's house, have kids keep certain basics—toothbrush, hairbrush, pajamas—at both houses.
- Allow the child space. Children often need a little time to adjust to the transition. If they seem to need some space, do something else nearby. In time, things will get back to normal.
- Establish a special routine. Play a game or serve the same special meal each time your child returns. Kids thrive on routine—if they know exactly what to expect when they return to you it can help the transition.
Sometimes kids refuse to leave one parent to be with the other. Although this can be a difficult situation, it is also common for children in joint custody.
- Find the cause. The problem may be one that is easy to resolve, like paying more attention to your child, making a change in discipline style, or having more toys or other entertainment. Or it may be that an emotional reason is at hand, such as conflict or misunderstanding. Talk to your child about his or her refusal.
- Go with the flow. Whether you have detected the reason for the refusal or not, try to give your child the space and time that he or she obviously needs. It may have nothing to do with you at all. And take heart: most cases of visitation refusal are temporary.
- Talk to your ex. A heart-to-heart with your ex about the refusal may be challenging and emotional, but can help you figure out what the problem is. Try to be sensitive and understanding to your ex as you discuss this touchy subject.
- Children and Divorce: Helping Your Kids Cope with the Effects of Separation and Divorce
- Coping with a Breakup or Divorce: Moving on After a Relationship Ends
- Stepparenting and Blended Family Advice: Bonding with Stepchildren and Dealing with Problems
- Separation Anxiety and Separation Anxiety Disorder: How to Ease Your Child’s Separation Anxiety
- Relationship Help: Help for Building Healthy and Exciting Love Relationships
- Co-Parenting After Divorce – A 4-page booklet that includes a checklist of what to include in a co-parenting plan and descriptions of different types of custody arrangements. (Montana State University).
- Co-Parenting After Divorce – A 6-page booklet that details many issues co-parents face such as decision-making, communicating effectively, scheduling, developing a co-parenting plan, and helping the children adjust. (University of New Hampshire)
- Ten Commandments of Co-Parenting – A list of co-parenting basics. (Co-Parenting 101)
- Children First: Co-Parenting Through Separation and Divorce – Outlines the basic issues in forming a parenting partnership and addresses conflict management and focusing on the children’s needs. (North Dakota State University)
- Parenting After Divorce – Discusses how to move beyond a hostile or conflicted relationship so that your children can benefit from ex-spouses parenting cooperatively. (Phillip M. Stahl, Ph.D.)
- Non-Residential Parenting After Divorce – Tips for the parent who does not have custody or who lives a long distance away, and can’t be involved with the children everyday. (Montana State University)
