Cognitive Dissonance

[Drewau2005]

Hi

I was wondering if someone could offer me advice on how to get someone with cognitive dissonance to go and see a professional.

My new wife, according to a friend of mine and who has met her, dissociates to a large extent. It really is like walking on eggshells and she will take offense at seemingly innocuous comments, but will often not 'react' straight away but store it up for later and then use it as a rationale for her behaviour. It has been extreme of late as I brought it to a head lately suggesting that I didn't want to be with her . I did this to try and bring our communication issues to the fore but she responded by going away for a number of weeks and not telling me where she was going. I have dealt with this in various ways ringing her, sending her texts, money, flowers etc but all to no avail. I said what I said to get a reaction because I thought it would engage us in conversation but it has backfired. Her life is characterized by running away from situations that challenge something in her. As I write she still has not contacted me despite repeated attempts. We are newly married and just back from our honeymoon and she hasn't moved in as yet, hence my elevating the situation. I love her but her behaviour and my reactions to her behaviour, do not for a happy marriage make. How do I get her/us to therapy when she takes no ownership of her behaviour? That is, it is mine and everyone else's fault. She is well qualified but has had a number of jobs due to personality problems with management.
Thanks
Drew

 

[Yuray]

Hi Drew
Not sure whether cognitive dissonance is the real culprit here. Is the friend who told you about your wifes past dissociative behaviours in a position to make the diagnosis, and if so perhaps he could help with a remedy.

Someone who leaves a new spouse for a few weeks without contact has deeper issues than cognitive dissonance.

Yuray

 

[David Baxter PhD]

As Yuray implied, you are perhaps talking about dissociation, not cognitive dissonance (everyone engages in cognitive dissonance to a certain extent). But then your subsequent comments aren't particularly suggestive of dissociation either:

It really is like walking on eggshells and she will take offense at seemingly innocuous comments, but will often not 'react' straight away but store it up for later and then use it as a rationale for her behaviour. It has been extreme of late as I brought it to a head lately suggesting that I didn't want to be with her.

The fact that comments are "innocuous" to you doesn't mean that they aren't offensive to others, including your wife. I would suggest that rather than sending her to a therapist to "fix her problems" you try to get her to accompany you to a couples counsellor to address the issues and conflicts that you are both having as a newly-married couple.