healthbound
Member
I know I'm rambling...but I'm going to try and tell a quick story about an experience I had today that relates to what I'm trying to say. 
I had a dentist appointment today. I haven't met anyone that loves to go to the dentist, but still, I noticed that I seemed to be so preoccupied with the fact that I had to be at the dentist at 2pm today that I almost felt immobilized for the hours leading upto it.
I pushed myself a bit and just continued to get done what I had to get done.
Then, finally it was time for me to go. All of the sudden, I did not want to go. But again, I pushed myself and got in the car. For some reason, as I was driving there, I began to remember the night my sister died. It was strange because I was particularly remembering some details about driving from my place to hers. The memories were vivid, but I seemed to be experiencing them a bit differently than I had in the past. All of the sudden I realized I was remembering that night. It struck me as odd that those memories would pop into my mind like that as I was not driving the same route and I couldn't see the building she was living with at the time etc.
It was a few blocks later that I realized the connection. This was my first visit to see this dentist. Well, it was my first in about 12 years. My son's father still goes to him, and I had recently arranged for my son to go back to seeing him and so I decided to also go back to him. I started going to him when I was pregnant. I introduced him to my son's father, my son and to my sister. I heard of him through a friend of mine who was his assistant. That friend and my sister became really good friends and spent a lot of time together. Also, I the receptionist looks really familiar to me - and I know I know her from my teen years, but I can't seem to place where. I know that the dentist would have heard about my sister's death because my our mutual friend (his assistant) was impacted by her death too. I was pretty sure the receptionist (although I'm not certain) knew about her death and definitely knew me at a very tumultuous time in my past.
I definitely feel safe with him...I know him, remember him and trust him. But, knowing that he and the receptionist know me in other contexts was scary to me.
Once I realized what I was thinking, I felt sad. And that was it. I just felt really sad. Her death was and still is a sad thing.
Actually - I just realized that this story doesn't really relate to what I was saying - lol. Oh well, I'm glad I shared it anyway. I guess one way it relates is that I'm doing some different things compared to the last year - and the last decade, really. The fact that I switched dentists, felt scared but chose to go anyway knowing what I know makes me think I'm making progress. Like, I'm beginning to allow myself to accept more of the present moment instead of recalling and reliving some of my older coping mechanisms. If I were, I probably would have made the appointment and then cancelled it or not shown up because I slept through it - only later to wake up feeling guilty and wondering how I could have done that.
I had a dentist appointment today. I haven't met anyone that loves to go to the dentist, but still, I noticed that I seemed to be so preoccupied with the fact that I had to be at the dentist at 2pm today that I almost felt immobilized for the hours leading upto it.
I pushed myself a bit and just continued to get done what I had to get done.
Then, finally it was time for me to go. All of the sudden, I did not want to go. But again, I pushed myself and got in the car. For some reason, as I was driving there, I began to remember the night my sister died. It was strange because I was particularly remembering some details about driving from my place to hers. The memories were vivid, but I seemed to be experiencing them a bit differently than I had in the past. All of the sudden I realized I was remembering that night. It struck me as odd that those memories would pop into my mind like that as I was not driving the same route and I couldn't see the building she was living with at the time etc.
It was a few blocks later that I realized the connection. This was my first visit to see this dentist. Well, it was my first in about 12 years. My son's father still goes to him, and I had recently arranged for my son to go back to seeing him and so I decided to also go back to him. I started going to him when I was pregnant. I introduced him to my son's father, my son and to my sister. I heard of him through a friend of mine who was his assistant. That friend and my sister became really good friends and spent a lot of time together. Also, I the receptionist looks really familiar to me - and I know I know her from my teen years, but I can't seem to place where. I know that the dentist would have heard about my sister's death because my our mutual friend (his assistant) was impacted by her death too. I was pretty sure the receptionist (although I'm not certain) knew about her death and definitely knew me at a very tumultuous time in my past.
I definitely feel safe with him...I know him, remember him and trust him. But, knowing that he and the receptionist know me in other contexts was scary to me.
Once I realized what I was thinking, I felt sad. And that was it. I just felt really sad. Her death was and still is a sad thing.
Actually - I just realized that this story doesn't really relate to what I was saying - lol. Oh well, I'm glad I shared it anyway. I guess one way it relates is that I'm doing some different things compared to the last year - and the last decade, really. The fact that I switched dentists, felt scared but chose to go anyway knowing what I know makes me think I'm making progress. Like, I'm beginning to allow myself to accept more of the present moment instead of recalling and reliving some of my older coping mechanisms. If I were, I probably would have made the appointment and then cancelled it or not shown up because I slept through it - only later to wake up feeling guilty and wondering how I could have done that.
