- Thread starter Bruins95
- Start date
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Welcome to Psychlinks, Bruins.
However, you'll need to give us a bit more detail if you're seeking advice. What do you lie about? Under what circumstances? How long has this been an issue? Do you lie to anyone else other than your wife? etc. etc.
However, you'll need to give us a bit more detail if you're seeking advice. What do you lie about? Under what circumstances? How long has this been an issue? Do you lie to anyone else other than your wife? etc. etc.
Just recently she discovered that I was unemployed (three week period), had taken out a $25K loan without her knowledge to cover periods of unemployment. I have had seven jobs in five years for a lot lower pay than we are accustomed to and I always lie about the pay or status of employment. I have arranged to intercept our mail to hide bills from her.
I had a job for 20 years up to five years ago (they are bankrupt) and have not found the right one to replace it. Financially we are in bad shape while I earn $50K/year currently.
There are no lies at this point and I'm not working to cover any currently either.
I may have gone too far, we had a verbal bout this last weekend, her statements were that I don not treat her as the partner we should be. She does not trust a word out of my mouth. She no longer loves me and can not stand when I touch her. We are parents to two children 15 & 11. Our behavior with each other is respectful yet cold.
I had a job for 20 years up to five years ago (they are bankrupt) and have not found the right one to replace it. Financially we are in bad shape while I earn $50K/year currently.
There are no lies at this point and I'm not working to cover any currently either.
I may have gone too far, we had a verbal bout this last weekend, her statements were that I don not treat her as the partner we should be. She does not trust a word out of my mouth. She no longer loves me and can not stand when I touch her. We are parents to two children 15 & 11. Our behavior with each other is respectful yet cold.
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
It sounds like you should be considering couples counseling, Bruins. I'm not convinced that the main issue here is "compulsive lying".
ThatLady
Member
I agree with David, Bruin. It sounds like there are some underlying issues here that need to be addressed though marital counselling. It is possible to regain trust, but it takes work and that work has to be done the right way. A therapist can help you to learn how to make it the most productive work you can do.
Good luck to you. I'm really very sorry for your troubles.
Good luck to you. I'm really very sorry for your troubles.
^^Phoenix^^
Member
Hi Bruin
Welcome to the forums, I am sorry that you are having a hard time. From what I gather from your posts, your 'lying' seems to be all related to the same thing. The fact that you are not making the money that you once were. Are you dealing with some shame at the moment about making less and not being able to provide as you once did? Or are you lying about other things as well.
When did your wife tell you that she didn't love you? about what topics had you lied to her when she said this? Obviously I can't say for certain, but she may have said it to protect herself, or maybe she feels like she is not being treated with love (a common response to finding out a partner has lied)
I aggree with David and TL that you should consider counselling. Learning to communicate with each other again, may help you alleviate any shame that you may feel, which may help in preventing your need to 'cover up'
Welcome to the forums, I am sorry that you are having a hard time. From what I gather from your posts, your 'lying' seems to be all related to the same thing. The fact that you are not making the money that you once were. Are you dealing with some shame at the moment about making less and not being able to provide as you once did? Or are you lying about other things as well.
When did your wife tell you that she didn't love you? about what topics had you lied to her when she said this? Obviously I can't say for certain, but she may have said it to protect herself, or maybe she feels like she is not being treated with love (a common response to finding out a partner has lied)
I aggree with David and TL that you should consider counselling. Learning to communicate with each other again, may help you alleviate any shame that you may feel, which may help in preventing your need to 'cover up'
I have read each posting over and over, embarrassment is a heavy issue with me, not able to provide at the level I know I am capable of is not good. I spoke to my wife about the postings and she wants to talk about visiting a counselor asap. We spoke last night for the first time as partners. I want to protect her and fail to accept that we are partners.
I have not lied to her about anything other than finances all related to employment.
I'll continue use of this board regardless of situation with us.
I have not lied to her about anything other than finances all related to employment.
I'll continue use of this board regardless of situation with us.
ThatLady
Member
It's great to hear the two of you were able to sit down and talk about the problem, and that your wife is willing to accompany you for family therapy.
The feelings you're experiencing aren't unusual in our over-achieving society, Bruins95. We're all inundated with input that says we MUST achieve, we MUST succeed, we MUST outdo our peers. It's not surprising that, if things go wrong, we feel we've failed when, in fact, it may be a case in which circumstances that were beyond our control got the better of us. That's not a failure on our part. It's simply the luck of the draw turning against us for a time. It can be very depressing, and can have a detrimental effect on our efforts to regain that which we have lost.
It's not easy to get a job when you don't have a job. It seems stupid to me, but that's the way it is. It's not easy to take a job that's beneath that to which you may have become accustomed; especially, after 20 years in the workforce during which you did well. It feels demeaning to find yourself without a job, even though it isn't your fault.
I do hope family counselling will help to put you on the right track. Some financial counselling is probably a good idea, as well. That way, you can start to get your finances on track, and that will help relieve some of your anxiety.
Good luck to you, and please keep us posted. :hug:
The feelings you're experiencing aren't unusual in our over-achieving society, Bruins95. We're all inundated with input that says we MUST achieve, we MUST succeed, we MUST outdo our peers. It's not surprising that, if things go wrong, we feel we've failed when, in fact, it may be a case in which circumstances that were beyond our control got the better of us. That's not a failure on our part. It's simply the luck of the draw turning against us for a time. It can be very depressing, and can have a detrimental effect on our efforts to regain that which we have lost.
It's not easy to get a job when you don't have a job. It seems stupid to me, but that's the way it is. It's not easy to take a job that's beneath that to which you may have become accustomed; especially, after 20 years in the workforce during which you did well. It feels demeaning to find yourself without a job, even though it isn't your fault.
I do hope family counselling will help to put you on the right track. Some financial counselling is probably a good idea, as well. That way, you can start to get your finances on track, and that will help relieve some of your anxiety.
Good luck to you, and please keep us posted. :hug:
Bruin,
I think that it is great that you both sat down and spoke last night as partners and she was willing to see a counsellor with you to hopefully work oput the issues that you have together. That is definitely a step in the right direction.
I also think that continuing to use this forum regarding of your situation with her and the counsellor is good because we have been known to be good listeners with some good advice.
Good luck with the counsellor and let us know how you are doing.
Take care.
I think that it is great that you both sat down and spoke last night as partners and she was willing to see a counsellor with you to hopefully work oput the issues that you have together. That is definitely a step in the right direction.
I also think that continuing to use this forum regarding of your situation with her and the counsellor is good because we have been known to be good listeners with some good advice.
Good luck with the counsellor and let us know how you are doing.
Take care.
^^Phoenix^^
Member
It is good news that you have been able to sit down and discuss going to see a therapist. It seems as though all is not lost! I think that the therapist will help you come to terms with how you are feeling in terms of the 'provider' etc, and perhaps you can begin to see your wife in terms of an active body in the relationship, etc. Keep us posted on how your doing.
stargazer
Member
Welcome to the Forums. I agree with what others have said here--it's not clear to me that you're a compulsive liar in general, but it seems more likely that you were embarrassed about financial loss, and maybe afraid that your wife would no longer support you (spiritually, emotionally) if you were to reveal the true nature of your financial condition. I would guess that, if you've talked about this with others, perhaps male friends, you've been truthful. And as you yourself have said, you've been truthful with your wife in other areas.
I hope the marital counseling works for you. Please stay in touch with us, and know that we are here to support you.
I hope the marital counseling works for you. Please stay in touch with us, and know that we are here to support you.
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