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TiredofLying

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Three days ago, I had an epiphany: I lie so much, I am slowly holding myself back from true happiness.

Yes, we all lie at times. Children lie to get out of trouble, lovers tell lies about things they don't want their partners to know, small white lies.

I always thought that my small white lies didn't amount to much, but slowly I realize that my lies weren't small and they did amount to a lot. As far as I'm aware it started as a young girl. My mother died suddenly when I was three years old and my father remarried two years later to a wonderful woman, whose approval was very important to me.

Growing up I remember lying to my grandmother that my teacher lived next door to me, and making up conversations to my mother about who I played with at school. As I got older, I lied to my parents about more and more things. Never illegal or bad things to worry about, but I would lie about small things: what I ate for lunch, what movie I saw at a friend's house, basically any small thing that I worried they wouldn't be entirely happy with. This sort of coping strategy eventually became second nature to me and I lied without any premeditation about the simplest of things. If ever caught I would feign confusion like I didn't know what they were talking about or would backtrack. I never got in trouble for small lies.

Then I went to college and like most lied to their parents about drinking and sex. But then I started to lie to my friends too. I lied about imaginary boyfriends back home, making my family life sound terrible even though they are wonderful, and once when a boyfriend dumped me to get attention from him and everyone else, I lied and told everyone I was pregnant and had a miscarriage. I didn't tell my parents, but I did tell that to my grandmother to get sympathy for failing a class.

I have suffered from depression and gotten counseling, but abused anti anxiety medication to the point that my family stopped supporting me through college. Since then I have resolved my depression, but lie to therapists to make myself sound better and more blameless.

Then, I got a job and told them that I had a college degree, even though it wasn't a requirement for the job and I was offered the job before I told them that. Now, I still work there and everyone thinks I have my degree and am going to graduate school at night, when really I'm still going to finish a bachelors. Recently, I lied about something that cost a client $1,300 and when my mistake was discovered for almost the first time in my life I told the truth and I felt good in a way I never knew I could.

I have met the love of my life. We had an unplanned pregnancy and I made the toughest decision a woman can make. However, I told my boyfriend that it was ectopic and wasn't a viable pregnancy and that my cervical dyspalsia (a mild condition) was so severe that even if it wasn't, I wouldn't have been able to carry the baby. To top it off, when he asked if they dysplasia was due to HPV, I lied and told him that I had been tested and that wasn't the cause, when I haven't been tested at all. And he just asked out of concern.

And I still lie about small things too, what I ate for lunch, juicy gossip gets embellished.

Lately, for the first time in my life, I hear myself lying again and hate myself. I feel like a monster or an addict who can't stop. I just want to stop lying about pointless things. I have a therapist now, but have lied about so much (including the abortion) I feel like its not a place I can admit this.

I ask anyone out there who has any advice for me to please help. How do I get out of this? How do I stop? How do I even begin to stop?

I can't leave my job and I won't leave my boyfriend but I desperately wish for a clean slate.

What do I do? The thought of coming clean to everyone in my life gives me anxiety attacks, but I desperately wish for the courage to do it. Any advice would be appreciated and potentially save my happiness.
 

Retired

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Welcome to Psychlinks, TOL!

I wonder if the reason the truth is re-manufactured is because we think that's what the other person wants to hear, and that they will be more pleased with that version than with the truth.

Trouble is, it's really difficult to remember what we told whom about what, and trying to keep the story going can be stressful.

What would be the worst case scenario if you told the truth to your boyfriend?
 

Halo

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Yes welcome to Psychlinks TOL :welcome2:

In addition to what Steve said above, I really think that coming clean to your therapist is the best start. I know that it would be difficult but your therapist is probably the person that will understand the best, not judge you and your actions and will most likely be in a position to help you determine the cause of your behaviour.

Again, I am sure that it will be difficult to come clean to your therapist but if you are having a lot of anxiety about how to bring it up in therapy, you may consider writing a letter or an email ahead of time and giving it to your therapist.
 

ladylore

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Welcome TOL.:welcome2:

I agree with Halo - Starting with your therapist would be your best bet.

I found in my own life that once I committed to telling the truth no matter what it is now automatic. The best part is, is that people truely like the real me.
 

meagan80

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I dated a guy for three years that was a compulsive liar, I would ask him did you eat breakfast. He would say yes, I had a bowl of cereal, and then i would see a pan with cooked egg stuck to it in the sink,.?:confused:? I could never understand why he felt the need to lie. He would lie, and I would beg andcry andtell him just tell me the truth and I wont be mad, and he never would,even holding proof in my hand. Your post helps me understand the problem a lil more, I always felt like he just wanted to hurt me. I have trust issue's now, its been 10 years since our relationship ended, I find myself constantly thinking about whether or not by boyfriend is lying to me or being sneaky. I would definately talk to your conselor and try to start with the truth there, I wasnt sure if you know how your lying affects others in your life also, so maybe that can be another motivation for getting better :), and thank you your explanation helped me a lil to view it more as a probelm he has instead of feeling like someone he wanted to hurt. Wish you the best of luck.
 

Laj

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Gosh! I thought lying was just a quirk in a person's character...some have made it into an art! Lying about money to your spouse is financial infidelity. Secret credit cards...lavish meals with "friends" that wife does not know about...should I confront him or let it pass but spend freely on myself? I have been frugal as he tells me that is how to survive. Any thoughts? I am just tired of trying to be a step ahead....
 

MHealthJo

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I am so sorry this is happening to you Laj.

I don't know what is the next step you want to take, but telling the truth and being trustworthy is incredibly important in a relationship and I don't see how a relationship can work when these things can't be relied on. You deserve to be with someone who just tells the truth and is open and honest about money or what's going on in their life, who considers this just a natural and normal thing to do and believes it is important.
 

Laj

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I just found out he has gotten a loan out, stays with former girlfriends while visiting New York (I am in Hawaii for a family medical emergency), and he says because his retirement income is more than mine, I am depending on him too much...I did not come into this marriage empty handed!
Also, he is now using pre-paid phone cards to hide his calling log. He doesn't like it when I ask how his day went and what did he do. He say these questions are intrusive. I would walk away but our finances are interlocked so to speak. He has managed to transfer all my money out of Hawaii into our "joint" account. Whew! No honor in this guy.
 

David Baxter

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You should probably get some legal advice, Laj.


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Laj

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Thank you for the advice. And now that I am back home and away from him, I will explore options, including trying to find employment. I have tried talking to him but did I mention he also has intermittent explosive disorder? This is what I believe I am dealing with.
 

David Baxter

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That sounds like a dangerous mix for any home environment.


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Laj

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He presented himself as always taking care of others, making monetary donations to causes dear to him. He presented himself as always giving back to people who helped him along the way. He remembers their birthdays, anniversaries, etc. But if he thinks about people he's known that are always taking, he works himself into a fury, lamenting about EVERY thing or bad decision he's ever made. Thank you, David and MHealthJo for your comments.

---------- Post Merged at 07:51 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 02:01 AM ----------

Thank you MHealthJo for your comment and David, you are right about getting legal counsel. But he controls all the money, reviewing every purchase I make. I have to call him and give him the merchants names, dates and dollar amounts. This is for the sake of verifying legitimate purchases on the charge card...making sure unknown charges do not slip by...so he says. While he, on the sly, opens secret credit card/ATM accounts. After I caught him, him he said he needed to open charge card because he never buys anything for himself...this explanation doesn't even make sense, does it. Opening a secret account because he never buys anything for himself? Absurd.
 

Laj

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I know there is a way to ask the same question in multiple ways to catch someone in a lie. Can anyone give me an example how to do this Thank you!
 

David Baxter

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Do you really need to do that at this point? Is there anything to be gained?

Even if you are successful, he will just turn on you in anger and make it all about how it was your fault. It will always be your fault somehow.


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Laj

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David, thank you for being a friend for over 10 years! You've helped me through so many difficult life situations. I felt very isolated until I found you and this website. I am not out of the woods yet but you have shown me different paths to take. Just validating and responding to my calls for help has kept me sane.

---------- Post Merged at 06:05 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 05:41 AM ----------

You are so right. He is quite an act to watch getting out of sticky situations without missing a heartbeat. Very clever.

---------- Post Merged at 06:27 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 06:05 AM ----------

Do you know what's ironic? He admires people with outstanding qualities... educated, generous, kind, good sense of humor, adventurous, honest.(What attracted me to him). He prides himself in having these people as friends. Yet, his "private life" is one of secrets and lies.
I must tell you. Even when we are at home, going on errands, I have to ask him where we are going that day. He gets aggravated because I asked. His answer is I have things I have to do. "But where are we going so I can plan what I need to get too!" I feel like a fool getting into the car not knowing where we are going! This is not an isolated occurrence. This is every time we run errands. Has anyone ever heard of such a person?
 

David Baxter

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He is controlling and abusive. It's all about what he wants, not about you. His objective is to keep you off balance.


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Laj

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It is exactly all about what he wants. He had been single all his life until he married (me) at age 59. He was medically retired (physical) in his early 40's and has been doing pretty much whatever he's wanted. He has been his own boss. I think he doesn't like having to be accountable for anything or to anyone! I really don't know why he thought he needed to be married, unless it was to combine incomes. Who knows?!
His explosions are unexpected because the events "leading" up to it are inconsequential, minor, insignificant. His lamenting doesn't stop until he has exhausted himself. Then he acts as if nothing happened. While I am a wreck. Yep, pretty unhealthy.
You're right, David. It will always be my fault. And it does keep me off balance in all of our conversations. Now, I always let him take the lead because I never know what will set him off. And the energy exerted is not worth it. Any come-back quips when he starts his tirade? I've already told him to quit acting like a brat....and you know what that started...whew. He is the poster picture of "Entitlement"...
 

David Baxter

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Come back quips would probably further enrage him, escalating the situation, which could be unsafe.

Better to just walk away. Don't go down to his level.


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Laj

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I have been quiet and reflective during his tirades. Per your sage advice I concur with you to continue to remain calm.
 

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