TiredofLying
Member
Three days ago, I had an epiphany: I lie so much, I am slowly holding myself back from true happiness.
Yes, we all lie at times. Children lie to get out of trouble, lovers tell lies about things they don't want their partners to know, small white lies.
I always thought that my small white lies didn't amount to much, but slowly I realize that my lies weren't small and they did amount to a lot. As far as I'm aware it started as a young girl. My mother died suddenly when I was three years old and my father remarried two years later to a wonderful woman, whose approval was very important to me.
Growing up I remember lying to my grandmother that my teacher lived next door to me, and making up conversations to my mother about who I played with at school. As I got older, I lied to my parents about more and more things. Never illegal or bad things to worry about, but I would lie about small things: what I ate for lunch, what movie I saw at a friend's house, basically any small thing that I worried they wouldn't be entirely happy with. This sort of coping strategy eventually became second nature to me and I lied without any premeditation about the simplest of things. If ever caught I would feign confusion like I didn't know what they were talking about or would backtrack. I never got in trouble for small lies.
Then I went to college and like most lied to their parents about drinking and sex. But then I started to lie to my friends too. I lied about imaginary boyfriends back home, making my family life sound terrible even though they are wonderful, and once when a boyfriend dumped me to get attention from him and everyone else, I lied and told everyone I was pregnant and had a miscarriage. I didn't tell my parents, but I did tell that to my grandmother to get sympathy for failing a class.
I have suffered from depression and gotten counseling, but abused anti anxiety medication to the point that my family stopped supporting me through college. Since then I have resolved my depression, but lie to therapists to make myself sound better and more blameless.
Then, I got a job and told them that I had a college degree, even though it wasn't a requirement for the job and I was offered the job before I told them that. Now, I still work there and everyone thinks I have my degree and am going to graduate school at night, when really I'm still going to finish a bachelors. Recently, I lied about something that cost a client $1,300 and when my mistake was discovered for almost the first time in my life I told the truth and I felt good in a way I never knew I could.
I have met the love of my life. We had an unplanned pregnancy and I made the toughest decision a woman can make. However, I told my boyfriend that it was ectopic and wasn't a viable pregnancy and that my cervical dyspalsia (a mild condition) was so severe that even if it wasn't, I wouldn't have been able to carry the baby. To top it off, when he asked if they dysplasia was due to HPV, I lied and told him that I had been tested and that wasn't the cause, when I haven't been tested at all. And he just asked out of concern.
And I still lie about small things too, what I ate for lunch, juicy gossip gets embellished.
Lately, for the first time in my life, I hear myself lying again and hate myself. I feel like a monster or an addict who can't stop. I just want to stop lying about pointless things. I have a therapist now, but have lied about so much (including the abortion) I feel like its not a place I can admit this.
I ask anyone out there who has any advice for me to please help. How do I get out of this? How do I stop? How do I even begin to stop?
I can't leave my job and I won't leave my boyfriend but I desperately wish for a clean slate.
Yes, we all lie at times. Children lie to get out of trouble, lovers tell lies about things they don't want their partners to know, small white lies.
I always thought that my small white lies didn't amount to much, but slowly I realize that my lies weren't small and they did amount to a lot. As far as I'm aware it started as a young girl. My mother died suddenly when I was three years old and my father remarried two years later to a wonderful woman, whose approval was very important to me.
Growing up I remember lying to my grandmother that my teacher lived next door to me, and making up conversations to my mother about who I played with at school. As I got older, I lied to my parents about more and more things. Never illegal or bad things to worry about, but I would lie about small things: what I ate for lunch, what movie I saw at a friend's house, basically any small thing that I worried they wouldn't be entirely happy with. This sort of coping strategy eventually became second nature to me and I lied without any premeditation about the simplest of things. If ever caught I would feign confusion like I didn't know what they were talking about or would backtrack. I never got in trouble for small lies.
Then I went to college and like most lied to their parents about drinking and sex. But then I started to lie to my friends too. I lied about imaginary boyfriends back home, making my family life sound terrible even though they are wonderful, and once when a boyfriend dumped me to get attention from him and everyone else, I lied and told everyone I was pregnant and had a miscarriage. I didn't tell my parents, but I did tell that to my grandmother to get sympathy for failing a class.
I have suffered from depression and gotten counseling, but abused anti anxiety medication to the point that my family stopped supporting me through college. Since then I have resolved my depression, but lie to therapists to make myself sound better and more blameless.
Then, I got a job and told them that I had a college degree, even though it wasn't a requirement for the job and I was offered the job before I told them that. Now, I still work there and everyone thinks I have my degree and am going to graduate school at night, when really I'm still going to finish a bachelors. Recently, I lied about something that cost a client $1,300 and when my mistake was discovered for almost the first time in my life I told the truth and I felt good in a way I never knew I could.
I have met the love of my life. We had an unplanned pregnancy and I made the toughest decision a woman can make. However, I told my boyfriend that it was ectopic and wasn't a viable pregnancy and that my cervical dyspalsia (a mild condition) was so severe that even if it wasn't, I wouldn't have been able to carry the baby. To top it off, when he asked if they dysplasia was due to HPV, I lied and told him that I had been tested and that wasn't the cause, when I haven't been tested at all. And he just asked out of concern.
And I still lie about small things too, what I ate for lunch, juicy gossip gets embellished.
Lately, for the first time in my life, I hear myself lying again and hate myself. I feel like a monster or an addict who can't stop. I just want to stop lying about pointless things. I have a therapist now, but have lied about so much (including the abortion) I feel like its not a place I can admit this.
I ask anyone out there who has any advice for me to please help. How do I get out of this? How do I stop? How do I even begin to stop?
I can't leave my job and I won't leave my boyfriend but I desperately wish for a clean slate.
What do I do? The thought of coming clean to everyone in my life gives me anxiety attacks, but I desperately wish for the courage to do it. Any advice would be appreciated and potentially save my happiness.
? I could never understand why he felt the need to lie. He would lie, and I would beg andcry andtell him just tell me the truth and I wont be mad, and he never would,even holding proof in my hand. Your post helps me understand the problem a lil more, I always felt like he just wanted to hurt me. I have trust issue's now, its been 10 years since our relationship ended, I find myself constantly thinking about whether or not by boyfriend is lying to me or being sneaky. I would definately talk to your conselor and try to start with the truth there, I wasnt sure if you know how your lying affects others in your life also, so maybe that can be another motivation for getting better 
