This last year, a little less then, has been a trying one indeed. Full of surprises, changes, broken trust, goodbyes etc...
I left my ex last sept. and i don't regret it. It was what I NEEDED to do. Yet with that decision came the realization of the broken trust that came from that relationship, the 'abuse',(not physical, he was an addict and had a temper) the ending of a relationship for it wasn't all bad thru out our time, the loss of a friend, for he was my best friend, pain, tears, anger, not knowing, and leaving my safe zone i had known with the agora for quite some time. I closed the chapter on that 'relationship'. Yet the memories of betrayl still stand at times..for i have been betrayed in the past .........
Then came the move. I moved all my stuff within a night..some forgotten there, and headed on over to a place, my 'new' home', that i had never seen before.( My parents were the ones for the first time to step up and help me and signed the lease, checked the place out etc. ) As well as i hadn't been in a car ..nor that distance in very long time. Panic , anxiety came with it. It was a change..a GOOD one..but a change still that surfaced alot of shit..and mystery.
I slowly came to adjust, and still am, ...trying to get back out..
My world, due to agora etc has been a sheltered one and net has become my bud haha. Yes I have mustered up the courage since being here to talk to the maintance people and a few neighbours at times.
The loss of a few good friends, 3, happened since then. As well as having to question on a few occasions my doctor. 4 people that I put my full trust into, that i shared my most inner thoughts, feelings, laughs, u name it..
The first to go was a different loss...in a way it was mutual..but wasn't..if that makes sense?? I loved the laughs, I loved the way that person made me feel, I felt alive again..a glow.. However circumstances came between us talking and then when i could/we could again..it was to late..for that person had i believe moved on. OK. Fair deal ..seriously. I tried to re connect
..it failed. And so I say/said goodbye.
The second, he reached out to me. Offering a helping hand, advice..etc..regarding agora and my meds. At first relecuctant to open up due to past I did.I trusted and shared. Then..poof..gone..without explanition...just a rude, uncalled for email and nada. Ok bye..
Then..my best friend, support bud, etc.. of 2 yrs?? i think its been..well i'll just leave that story..for i myself don't even know what truely happened..for it happened so suddenly..no warning..and once again no reply..no explaination..just silence..I have to let go ...but its fresh...
I don't do well with good byes..sudden ones especially..These goodbyes have all impacted me to one degree or another over the last year..and i find myself now doubting even more ...questioning if i should take a risk again..
I don't blame anyone..i don't hate anyone..
Problems here with the apart./living condtions got me..for first it was non stop partiers, then that stopped. Then constant problems with the fire alarms going off at all horus of the night, then I had a bug problem (not my fault) haha. That has stopped finally just a few weeks ago.
Agora and relapse..
Still stuff with parents..aka them not understanding, them repeatedly telling me i belong locked up. ( no i am not suicidal in any way)
Sometimes not sleeping well due to i am assuming the above
So yeah a lot has changed..and alot that i haven't written about yet..has impacted/has had an impact on who i am today I think.
Now i have it in the back of my head do i belong in the hospital like my parents keep drilling in my head? And it hurts..I mean i can eat, cook, clean, go short distances, etc....???????? or do i just need more help? what is the critirea for going into the hospital for agora/panic??
How do i learn not to fear even being comfy with myself at home, alone?
Is it normal to become more anxious etc with the loss of my few friends and support people?
Due to the agora being so long will i get better? is there indeed hope? I haven't given up..just wondering..and yeah i'm tired and frustrated and scared.
How am i going to make it to my doctors in a month or less after this last relapse i'm stuck in? The thought scares the crap out of me..travelling..etc..even seeing her..Last time i was a mess!!!!! i barely made it there..and she wanted me to up my dosage..i didn't i'm scared. not about taking abit more..but what if it doesn't help? what if i do and i got to go back sooner but i fail to make it there as I did about 2mths ago, for i had called a cab, etc..but when it came i froze in panic..i couldn't get in and went back home.
Phew..long post..and lots of thoughts..I'll leave this for I know that it is alot and some i haven't gone into in depth detail etc. and well I want to do some more reading here and there to.
Why did writting this make me anxious?
Thanks for reading if you made it this far lolol.
I left my ex last sept. and i don't regret it. It was what I NEEDED to do. Yet with that decision came the realization of the broken trust that came from that relationship, the 'abuse',(not physical, he was an addict and had a temper) the ending of a relationship for it wasn't all bad thru out our time, the loss of a friend, for he was my best friend, pain, tears, anger, not knowing, and leaving my safe zone i had known with the agora for quite some time. I closed the chapter on that 'relationship'. Yet the memories of betrayl still stand at times..for i have been betrayed in the past .........
Then came the move. I moved all my stuff within a night..some forgotten there, and headed on over to a place, my 'new' home', that i had never seen before.( My parents were the ones for the first time to step up and help me and signed the lease, checked the place out etc. ) As well as i hadn't been in a car ..nor that distance in very long time. Panic , anxiety came with it. It was a change..a GOOD one..but a change still that surfaced alot of shit..and mystery.
I slowly came to adjust, and still am, ...trying to get back out..
My world, due to agora etc has been a sheltered one and net has become my bud haha. Yes I have mustered up the courage since being here to talk to the maintance people and a few neighbours at times.
The loss of a few good friends, 3, happened since then. As well as having to question on a few occasions my doctor. 4 people that I put my full trust into, that i shared my most inner thoughts, feelings, laughs, u name it..
The first to go was a different loss...in a way it was mutual..but wasn't..if that makes sense?? I loved the laughs, I loved the way that person made me feel, I felt alive again..a glow.. However circumstances came between us talking and then when i could/we could again..it was to late..for that person had i believe moved on. OK. Fair deal ..seriously. I tried to re connect
..it failed. And so I say/said goodbye.The second, he reached out to me. Offering a helping hand, advice..etc..regarding agora and my meds. At first relecuctant to open up due to past I did.I trusted and shared. Then..poof..gone..without explanition...just a rude, uncalled for email and nada. Ok bye..
Then..my best friend, support bud, etc.. of 2 yrs?? i think its been..well i'll just leave that story..for i myself don't even know what truely happened..for it happened so suddenly..no warning..and once again no reply..no explaination..just silence..I have to let go ...but its fresh...
I don't do well with good byes..sudden ones especially..These goodbyes have all impacted me to one degree or another over the last year..and i find myself now doubting even more ...questioning if i should take a risk again..
I don't blame anyone..i don't hate anyone..
Problems here with the apart./living condtions got me..for first it was non stop partiers, then that stopped. Then constant problems with the fire alarms going off at all horus of the night, then I had a bug problem (not my fault) haha. That has stopped finally just a few weeks ago.
Agora and relapse..
Still stuff with parents..aka them not understanding, them repeatedly telling me i belong locked up. ( no i am not suicidal in any way)
Sometimes not sleeping well due to i am assuming the above
So yeah a lot has changed..and alot that i haven't written about yet..has impacted/has had an impact on who i am today I think.
Now i have it in the back of my head do i belong in the hospital like my parents keep drilling in my head? And it hurts..I mean i can eat, cook, clean, go short distances, etc....???????? or do i just need more help? what is the critirea for going into the hospital for agora/panic??
How do i learn not to fear even being comfy with myself at home, alone?
Is it normal to become more anxious etc with the loss of my few friends and support people?
Due to the agora being so long will i get better? is there indeed hope? I haven't given up..just wondering..and yeah i'm tired and frustrated and scared.
How am i going to make it to my doctors in a month or less after this last relapse i'm stuck in? The thought scares the crap out of me..travelling..etc..even seeing her..Last time i was a mess!!!!! i barely made it there..and she wanted me to up my dosage..i didn't
i'm scared. not about taking abit more..but what if it doesn't help? what if i do and i got to go back sooner but i fail to make it there as I did about 2mths ago, for i had called a cab, etc..but when it came i froze in panic..i couldn't get in and went back home.Phew..long post..and lots of thoughts..I'll leave this for I know that it is alot and some i haven't gone into in depth detail etc. and well I want to do some more reading here and there to.
Why did writting this make me anxious?
Thanks for reading if you made it this far lolol.
