Controlled by fear

[kelsischanging]

I know the truth, and the truth is that I need to stop cutting. I am a very logical person, and I know that cutting is not logical. How can making permenant scars help me feel better....how can physical pain help me when I'm in deep emotional pain. I know cutting is not an effective coping mechanism or else I wouldn't need to keep cutting for the same reasons...I know all of this, but i'm not sure I can stop....why??...because I'm to afraid. What happens if I'm at school and I start to feel stressed or overwhelmed...What happens when my mom and I get into one of our marathon screaming matches...what happens when someone makes a hurtful comment...what happens when I have one of those days when I wake up and don't want to get out of bed...what do I turn to....I've tried distraction, but distraction is not a solution only a temporary avoidance of the issues....I'm a senior in high school and next fall I'll be going away to college and I know that if I don't have this at least semi under control by that time disaster could strike in my life to the point of me doing something stupid and ending up dead....I know the truth and the truth is that this isn't working in my life....now I just need to know how to let go of that fear....
Kelsey

 

[kelsischanging]

controlled by fear

I know the truth, and the truth is that I need to stop cutting. I am a very logical person, and I know that cutting is not logical. How can making permenant scars help me feel better....how can physical pain help me when I'm in deep emotional pain. I know cutting is not an effective coping mechanism or else I wouldn't need to keep cutting for the same reasons...I know all of this, but i'm not sure I can stop....why??...because I'm to afraid. What happens if I'm at school and I start to feel stressed or overwhelmed...What happens when my mom and I get into one of our marathon screaming matches...what happens when someone makes a hurtful comment...what happens when I have one of those days when I wake up and don't want to get out of bed...what do I turn to....I've tried distraction, but distraction is not a solution only a temporary avoidance of the issues....I'm a senior in high school and next fall I'll be going away to college and I know that if I don't have this at least semi under control by that time disaster could strike in my life to the point of me doing something stupid and ending up dead....I know the truth and the truth is that this isn't working in my life....now I just need to know how to let go of that fear....
Kelsey

 

[Eunoia]

controlled by fear

hey kels. if you were to stop cutting and then be in a situation were you feel overwhelmed like at school or when in an argument with your mom, the point is that you would replace si w/ another, healthier behaviour in order to cope. clearly, it makes no sense and seems incredibly scarry to take away your #1coping mechanism. but that's why it helps to do so only if you know how to deal w/ the situations in a way where you no longer need to si.

I think distraction is good in the st. It's a quick fix and it's a beginning to learning to not use that familiar coping mechanism. But you're right, they don't always work and in the end you're still left dealing w/ what got you upset/stressed in the 1st place. I found that sometimes even if I was able to restrain from si at the moment, I still wanted to after say an hr but was too exhuasted to do so.. and I still felt like shit so no whatever distraction I used didn't "fix" the problem but got me through not si. but si doesn't fix the problem either. wouldn't it be nice to find some way of dealing w/ things where you don't end up feeling bad about it in the end and where you could actually work on some of those issues?? hell yes.

so you set yourself a time limit of one year to get things "under control". you have an entire year to work on this then, don't expect things to chanfge over night and maybe once you stop for a while you will turn back to si, but that's ok. it's a process that will take time and determination and strength- and new coping skills.

can you talk to someone to get you started in the right direction in terms of stoppin to si?? someone to help you understand what triggers you and how you can work on that in a healthy way?? until then, I think maybe looking at some of the things you do use as distractions could become new ways of coping... ie. instead of "distracting" yourself by drawing a picture/listening to music/baking/talking to a friend, why don't you makethat your coping mechanism, so that when you feel like you have to si you automatically turn to that. does that make any sense??

How can making permenant scars help me feel better....how can physical pain help me when I'm in deep emotional pain.

physical pain puts a "face" to your emotional pain. it almost "validates" your feelings in a visible way. and everyone knows scars are supposed to hurt, so seeing your pain validates it. also, it gives you something else to focus on. something tangible. and obviously there's the whole connection to endorphins being released etc. when you si. it makes some people feel alive- in that they see, yes, I'm bleeding, ok, these feelinsg seem abnormal/unknown/scary to me, but bleeding is normal so I'm ok... you know what I mean. It makes perfect sense in that moment, right? but in the LT I think si does not help you deal w/ issues... and it begins to dawn on you that maybe si in itself is a problem too.

try talking to someone about it. that would be the beginning to trying to stop if you're at a loss at to what to do from here...

 

[Eunoia]

controlled by fear

hey kels. if you were to stop cutting and then be in a situation were you feel overwhelmed like at school or when in an argument with your mom, the point is that you would replace si w/ another, healthier behaviour in order to cope. clearly, it makes no sense and seems incredibly scarry to take away your #1coping mechanism. but that's why it helps to do so only if you know how to deal w/ the situations in a way where you no longer need to si.

I think distraction is good in the st. It's a quick fix and it's a beginning to learning to not use that familiar coping mechanism. But you're right, they don't always work and in the end you're still left dealing w/ what got you upset/stressed in the 1st place. I found that sometimes even if I was able to restrain from si at the moment, I still wanted to after say an hr but was too exhuasted to do so.. and I still felt like shit so no whatever distraction I used didn't "fix" the problem but got me through not si. but si doesn't fix the problem either. wouldn't it be nice to find some way of dealing w/ things where you don't end up feeling bad about it in the end and where you could actually work on some of those issues?? hell yes.

so you set yourself a time limit of one year to get things "under control". you have an entire year to work on this then, don't expect things to chanfge over night and maybe once you stop for a while you will turn back to si, but that's ok. it's a process that will take time and determination and strength- and new coping skills.

can you talk to someone to get you started in the right direction in terms of stoppin to si?? someone to help you understand what triggers you and how you can work on that in a healthy way?? until then, I think maybe looking at some of the things you do use as distractions could become new ways of coping... ie. instead of "distracting" yourself by drawing a picture/listening to music/baking/talking to a friend, why don't you makethat your coping mechanism, so that when you feel like you have to si you automatically turn to that. does that make any sense??

How can making permenant scars help me feel better....how can physical pain help me when I'm in deep emotional pain.

physical pain puts a "face" to your emotional pain. it almost "validates" your feelings in a visible way. and everyone knows scars are supposed to hurt, so seeing your pain validates it. also, it gives you something else to focus on. something tangible. and obviously there's the whole connection to endorphins being released etc. when you si. it makes some people feel alive- in that they see, yes, I'm bleeding, ok, these feelinsg seem abnormal/unknown/scary to me, but bleeding is normal so I'm ok... you know what I mean. It makes perfect sense in that moment, right? but in the LT I think si does not help you deal w/ issues... and it begins to dawn on you that maybe si in itself is a problem too.

try talking to someone about it. that would be the beginning to trying to stop if you're at a loss at to what to do from here...

 

[Heather]

controlled by fear

Hi Kels,

I can't add anything really than what has already been said, but I do want you to know that I am struggling with si as well I am still using it as a coping mechanism even though like you I know that it is not a usefu strategy.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and if I get anywhere with stopping I will let you know what worked, even though you are different and the same things may not work but it is worht a try right!

Heather...

 

[Heather]

controlled by fear

Hi Kels,

I can't add anything really than what has already been said, but I do want you to know that I am struggling with si as well I am still using it as a coping mechanism even though like you I know that it is not a usefu strategy.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and if I get anywhere with stopping I will let you know what worked, even though you are different and the same things may not work but it is worht a try right!

Heather...

 

[Meg]

controlled by fear

Hi Kels,
It sounds like you have a lot to cope with at the moment, hun. I know that trying to deal with cutting isn't fun! I guess I just wanted to say that what you have written reminds me of myself a little while ago, knowing that what you're doing isn't really helping in the long run, but being scared about how you'll cope if you can't cut. That moment where it all gets unbearable and the impulse to cut hits and you just don't care about the consequences is the critical one, or at least that's how it was for me. Somehow, you need to be able to stop and think 'no, wait!' Distraction didn't work for me either, so I thought I'd share what I turned to in order to make myself remember to stop and think about what I was doing, and help myself avoid cutting.

1. I acknowledged to myself that I wanted and needed to stop. Sounds like you've already done that, good first step .
2. This was kind of a personal thing, but I did something to mark a turning point. This might sound weird perhaps, but I went and got a second piercing in my left ear - I wanted something other than new scars to represent my pain. I'm not saying 'go get your ear pierced', just that it helped me to do something symbolic like that. It might not be for everyone.
3. I bought a journal. And I wrote LOTS, totally uncensored. I didn't worry about what I was writing, I just let it all come out. When I read back over what I'd written I was totally shocked, I couldn't believe it had come for me. It was like I could see how illogical my thoughts were and how I was being way too hard on myself. When I could see that I wasn't making sense, I could slow down enough to realise that I would only regret it if I cut. I guess the problem with this is that it'd be awful if anyone ever read it! Another option could be to type it onto the computer but not save it afterwards, maybe. I think I've posted that before, sorry if it's repetitious.
4. Don't be too hard on yourself if you slip up from time to time after you decide to stop. It doesn't make you a failure, it's just another step on the way. Try to be realistic and gentle with yourself.
5. I called lifeline when I felt like cutting. I rang and just talked things over with someone who wouldn't judge me, and it worked. I felt so much better and calmer afterwards, and proud that I had reached out to someone rather than striking out at myself.
6. Relaxation! Remove yourself from the stressful situation if you can, and take deeeeeeep breaths, taking longer to breathe out than in.
7. Don't drink too much...it's always harder to avoid it if your impulse control is..well.. inhibited!
8. I got counselling... I was so embarassed about the fact that I cut that just admitting it to my therapist made me determined to stop just so I could prove that I could! Apart from that, of course, a therapist can give great insights into exactly what it is that makes you want to cut, and that makes it easier to figure out what will work best to avoid it.
9. Get rid of whatever you use to hurt yourself with, or, if you can't quite manage that, make it hard to get to. I wrapped my..er...implement.. up in paper and put heaps and heaps of sticky-tape around it. It'd take ages to get it all off! Long enough, hopefully, for me to think twice.

Even if those things don't work for you, I hope they might help you to find coping strategies of your own that do. Hopefully when you find some of them the fear of letting go of cutting as a coping mechanism will lessen.

Good luck with it! If there's anything I can do to help, just let me know
Meg

 

[Meg]

controlled by fear

Hi Kels,
It sounds like you have a lot to cope with at the moment, hun. I know that trying to deal with cutting isn't fun! I guess I just wanted to say that what you have written reminds me of myself a little while ago, knowing that what you're doing isn't really helping in the long run, but being scared about how you'll cope if you can't cut. That moment where it all gets unbearable and the impulse to cut hits and you just don't care about the consequences is the critical one, or at least that's how it was for me. Somehow, you need to be able to stop and think 'no, wait!' Distraction didn't work for me either, so I thought I'd share what I turned to in order to make myself remember to stop and think about what I was doing, and help myself avoid cutting.

1. I acknowledged to myself that I wanted and needed to stop. Sounds like you've already done that, good first step .
2. This was kind of a personal thing, but I did something to mark a turning point. This might sound weird perhaps, but I went and got a second piercing in my left ear - I wanted something other than new scars to represent my pain. I'm not saying 'go get your ear pierced', just that it helped me to do something symbolic like that. It might not be for everyone.
3. I bought a journal. And I wrote LOTS, totally uncensored. I didn't worry about what I was writing, I just let it all come out. When I read back over what I'd written I was totally shocked, I couldn't believe it had come for me. It was like I could see how illogical my thoughts were and how I was being way too hard on myself. When I could see that I wasn't making sense, I could slow down enough to realise that I would only regret it if I cut. I guess the problem with this is that it'd be awful if anyone ever read it! Another option could be to type it onto the computer but not save it afterwards, maybe. I think I've posted that before, sorry if it's repetitious.
4. Don't be too hard on yourself if you slip up from time to time after you decide to stop. It doesn't make you a failure, it's just another step on the way. Try to be realistic and gentle with yourself.
5. I called lifeline when I felt like cutting. I rang and just talked things over with someone who wouldn't judge me, and it worked. I felt so much better and calmer afterwards, and proud that I had reached out to someone rather than striking out at myself.
6. Relaxation! Remove yourself from the stressful situation if you can, and take deeeeeeep breaths, taking longer to breathe out than in.
7. Don't drink too much...it's always harder to avoid it if your impulse control is..well.. inhibited!
8. I got counselling... I was so embarassed about the fact that I cut that just admitting it to my therapist made me determined to stop just so I could prove that I could! Apart from that, of course, a therapist can give great insights into exactly what it is that makes you want to cut, and that makes it easier to figure out what will work best to avoid it.
9. Get rid of whatever you use to hurt yourself with, or, if you can't quite manage that, make it hard to get to. I wrapped my..er...implement.. up in paper and put heaps and heaps of sticky-tape around it. It'd take ages to get it all off! Long enough, hopefully, for me to think twice.

Even if those things don't work for you, I hope they might help you to find coping strategies of your own that do. Hopefully when you find some of them the fear of letting go of cutting as a coping mechanism will lessen.

Good luck with it! If there's anything I can do to help, just let me know
Meg

 

[Eunoia]

controlled by fear

just to add something on to Meglet's post, it is actually possible to write stuff on a computer (ie. diary style) and then save it as a password protected file. I know not all programs or computers do that, but ie. windows xp has that option. It definately comes in handy!! this way you can still express yourself as candidly as you want but you don't have to worry about someone being able to read your thoughts which would be possible if you use a notebook or just a regular word document on the computer. personally, I think writing down how you feel and just whatever else comes into my mind has helped A LOT. and yes, it is quite interesting going back over what you wrote some other time, it can put a completely different perspective on things.

 

[Eunoia]

controlled by fear

just to add something on to Meglet's post, it is actually possible to write stuff on a computer (ie. diary style) and then save it as a password protected file. I know not all programs or computers do that, but ie. windows xp has that option. It definately comes in handy!! this way you can still express yourself as candidly as you want but you don't have to worry about someone being able to read your thoughts which would be possible if you use a notebook or just a regular word document on the computer. personally, I think writing down how you feel and just whatever else comes into my mind has helped A LOT. and yes, it is quite interesting going back over what you wrote some other time, it can put a completely different perspective on things.

 

[kelsischanging]

controlled by fear

thank you all for your posts...I'm always up for trying new things!! Meglet...I'm definitly going to put a lot of tape around the box that I keep all my "supplies" in...I know that sometimes if it takes me longer to get to my stuff that I am a lot more calm...thanks again for all the posts and suggestions

 

[kelsischanging]

controlled by fear

thank you all for your posts...I'm always up for trying new things!! Meglet...I'm definitly going to put a lot of tape around the box that I keep all my "supplies" in...I know that sometimes if it takes me longer to get to my stuff that I am a lot more calm...thanks again for all the posts and suggestions