Coping with the urge to contact an ex

[stef]

Hi, as the subject states.

In the case i witness it's about an ex-girlfriend. How to cope with that impulsion to call/chat/text her? I mean even if one wants his ex girlfriend back, it is better not to get in touch with her for a while - according to the books. So how to resist the temptation?

thanks

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Re: Cope with the compulsion to contact ex

Call your buddies and go out for an evening (not necessarily a bar) and just have a good time at the movies or a restaurant or a backyard barbecue... For example, if you have a big enough barbecue/gathering and you're in charge of details and invitations and food prep and so on (if that kind of thing isn't too stressful) that would take up a lot of your time and occupy your thoughts instead of thinking about your ex. Or have a BYOB/potluck where everyone brings something for themselves/to share and uses your barbecue to cook it...

Do something that satisfies your need to interact with someone and you'll be able to let your ex go a bit easier.

It's good not to communicate for a while in case it unintentionally comes across as harassment...

 

[Yuray]

Re: Cope with the compulsion to contact ex

Jolly has some good ideas. Because your post is vague it is hard to zero in on something. Was it a bad breakup? Initiated by whom? For what reasons? Is this the first breakup with her? For how long? Are your intentions to get back together?.........or,.....was it a mutual breakup with no bad feelings and you just want to talk with someone familiar?

Fighting impulse can be draining. Its easy to convince one's self that contact would be okay with a hope that things would improve, but the result could be disasterous. What do you think?

Should I Call My Ex? Read These 5 Tips First!

 

[stef]

Re: Cope with the compulsion to contact ex

Yuray,

In this case, i guess it was a bad breakup. Long relationship: 10 years both in their 40ies. Girlfriend having had a short affair which left her with guilt feelings(?) and sort of disconnected from him so that she started sleeping on the sofa. When boyfriend cross-examine her, girlfriend confesses and justifies the cheating with a long list of old problems in the relationship he never heard of before.
He decides to break up but is devastated and chat with her regularly. She seems sad and confused but not so much into recover of the situation (that's what he investigates).

 

[Yuray]

Re: Cope with the compulsion to contact ex

With actions like 'cross examination', and 'investigates', it will be one person humbling themself to another. It would be difficult to resolve the issue that way. It is best for both parties to acknowledge what happened, forget the blame, and try to move forward with counselling if possible.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hey Stef,

I agree with Yuray on the counseling.

Yikes, is the boyfriend controlling in any way? I too got some red flags when you said 'cross examination' and 'investigates.' Are these just words you chose, or do you mean he is acting a bit like a detective and has people watching everything she does? Did you get the ex girlfriend's full side of the situation? Be careful, because if you only get the ex boyfriend's side of the story, that can be very one-dimensional. I might be jumping to conclusions, but could he be playing to your sympathies to help him stalk his ex girlfriend and get information about her? Are you her friend or his?

The only reason I ask is that I have had an alcoholic/drug addicted and emotionally abusive (and also he threatened me with physical harm a couple of times) boyfriend who stalked me (no one else knew, although some suspected)... When we broke up he left me voice messages, and letters at my home, and tracked me down and left a message on my car. I told him I had contacted the police about him and to leave me alone (on his voice mail and to his friends because he wouldn't pick up the phone when I did call him directly). I was just to the point of not thinking about him anymore when I got a Christmas card mailed to my parent's house from him. That was the last thing I needed at Christmas.

I had another boyfriend who had an ex girlfriend who had a baby by him. He kept talking about how he didn't have custody of the girl, and how his ex would hardly ever let him see the baby, and how she did this and that, and how things were her fault that he was so miserable. I started to feel very badly for him and very angry at her, because I only heard his side of the story. Eventually, after a lot of confusion, we broke up, because I don't think he ever truly was over her when I thought he was. Adding to the problem was his use of steroids which I only found out about later. For all I know there might have been a restraining order or a court order only allowing him to see his baby girl when there was supervision, because he mentioned rages he had been in while taking steroids where he broke things "unintentionally" or got into fights (although he didn't say he got into physical fights with his previous girlfriend, but it's probable).

So is this boyfriend trying to save the relationship? Why doesn't he just be more direct and tell her that he is willing to go with her to a marriage/relationship counselor if he wants to save the relationship instead of tiptoe-ing around in this fashion trying to get information? If I had a boyfriend like that I would probably have issues like she does, wanting to tell him things, but it seems to make him paranoid, and he starts acting like a CSI agent and interrogating her like she's his prisoner and he has a right to drag information out of her like she's beneath him or something...

Sorry, I could be jumping the gun here a bit...

 

[stef]

About cross-examination. My apologies is my wrong translation from my mother-language. Maybe it's better to say "He get her to confess".

On the other hand, yes he has become a bit paranoid aka suspicious but i think it is normal after a cheating confession. He investigates about the possibility of counselling with her of course.

I am a friend of him. No he does not ask me to discover information about her. He tries it himself eve if he should not do.

 

[Banned]

I think there's a definite "cooling down" period at the end of any relationship. Even bad break-ups need time to grieve, assess, and make decisions. If the girl had an affair something was likely lacking in the relationship for her - not in a fault-assigning way because that's counterproductive but maybe they grew apart after ten years together.

I think definitely finding something else to fill that emotional and physical gap in the short term is a good idea, and when heads clear and emotions are level then there may be an opportunity to chat down the road. As long as emotions are flying, any contact is not likely to be productive and may in fact be harmful to either or both parties.

 

[stef]

I think there's a definite "cooling down" period at the end of any relationship. Even bad break-ups need time to grieve, assess, and make decisions. If the girl had an affair something was likely lacking in the relationship for her - not in a fault-assigning way because that's counterproductive but maybe they grew apart after ten years together.

There seems to be the old "cliche" according to which he was too much busy working and on leave for work and she felt neglected and lonely.

I think definitely finding something else to fill that emotional and physical gap in the short term is a good idea, and when heads clear and emotions are level then there may be an opportunity to chat down the road. As long as emotions are flying, any contact is not likely to be productive and may in fact be harmful to either or both parties.

Yes, that's what I notice myself: flying accusations on both parts. But how long last a short term? Because my friend is sort of freaking out...

 

[Banned]

Short term, long term...there's no concrete definition. It's however much time both parties need, and they are likely to be very different.

 

[JennyS]

There is no way to know when it is appropriate to contact the ex. I know that third parties like therapists or coaches or parents my try to control it by giving a directive, what really will determine if we will or won't is what we get out of it. This is simplistic of course but it is the truth. What is the payoff and what is the payoff in not doing it. Our responsibility to our-self is to respect our feelings and needs. The problems is that they can be in opposition. In other words we can want opposite things and we end up getting nothing if both sides are equally powerful. We end up in a stalemate.
One way or the other we have to let out our feelings and let them work themselves out.
They will no matter what but we can speed it up.