"Crunch times" in therapy

[pocono]

My therapist checked in on me by phone twice this weekend. We have an appointment scheduled for first thing this morning, which means i can't stay in bed all day. He is going to help me look at my work calendar for the week and try to figure out what I can realistically do.

He is being extra nice to me right now, which feels weird.....I can't imagine that he likes me or cares about me in this state, but his actions suggest otherwise. I'm fighting back the feeling that maybe he is a fraud to.

 

[Into The Light]

how did things go this morning, pocono?

 

[pocono]

I think I managed to "bracket" my anger with him for right now, which is good. I need him in the ally category for now. I was able to feel that some today.

He has scheduled an appointment for me with the Psychiatrist who is on call for my own Dr. who is out of the country until mid-March. He called him today and gave him some background to make that easier on me tomorrow.

I would say I worked at about 50% capacity today. I dropped some things and kept those I felt were most important. My therapist and I looked at the rest of my week's schedule, and he helped me think about what else to drop without too much cost.

My sadness and anger do feel more contained today. My anxiety, however, is growing. I am very anxious about the appointment tomorrow with a new Dr. I found out his office is in his house. I have to walk around the back of the house and down a few stairs to enter his office. And he wants an hour meeting. These things make me very frightened, although I can reason with myself that they should not.

I hate myself when I get this frightened and vulnerable. On a good day, I have no problem meeting new situations with curiosity rather than fear. These have, clearly, not been good days!

My own therapist knows this Dr. somewhat and believes him to be an ok guy. And he really thinks I need to have this visit. So, I have agreed to trust his judgement here, although it doesn't mean i won't be scared!

 

[Cat Dancer]

It's good that you trust your therapist. He sounds really great. And I understand about being frightened. Just remember the trust you have in your therapist and how he's wanting what is best for you and hold on to those thoughts.

I wish I could send you some strength and courage and peace. I am thinking of you and believe in you that you can get through this.

I can relate to how you feel about yourself when you're frightened and vulnerable. You're having such a tough time lately. It's not your fault though. You're holding on and doing the best you can. I'm glad you're coming here and sharing with us. I wish I could help more.

My thoughts are with you.

 

[pocono]

Thank you Janet. This was a nice message to wake up to. I'm quite nervous about this afternoon. I wish I could bring someone with me, but logistically that just isn't possible. (That is as much rationalization as anything, I suppose. I probably could get someone to go with me, but then I would have to be vulnerable with them as well!.) So, I'll try to bring this encouragement with me instead.

 

[foghlaim]

Hope all goes well with your apt...

Like Janet said, you will get thru this. ((hugs))

take care

 

[Halo]

Good Luck Pocono with your appt this afternoon and sending you lots of strength your way. I will be thinking of you.

Take care and let us know how it goes.
:hug:

 

[ThatLady]

Keep us posted, please, pocono. :hug:

 

[Cavi]

Hi Pocono...I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you, I can relate so much to what you have written but can't offer much help....RIMH

 

[pocono]

I am home, collapsed in bed after the stress of this appointment. It was good news/bad news.

The good news was he was really very nice - calm, gentle, very attentive to what was happening to me as we were meeting. And he prescribed something which might, potentially, help me as soon as tomorrow if I respond to it well. (It is kind of a supplement to my anti-depressant. I had started a separate post under the depression category abut the medication, so I'll write about that there, I guess.....I'm still figuring out how people separate things in this forum.)

The bad news was in spite of how kind and helpful he was, it was a pretty horrific experience -- as I feared. His office is in a house. I had to enter from around the back. It was all wood paneled. And, I guess for noise control, he actually had two doors separating the waiting area from his office.

This office greatly resembles a place where I experienced the worst of the trauma when I was younger -- a basement room in my own house. Just being in the office and feeling as vulnerable as I did triggered flash backs and dissociation while I was trying to talk with this man.

Like I said, he was kind. He also recognized clearly and early what was happening to me and asked me what I usually do when that happens. I usually get up, walk around, find a bookcase or something else with clearly defined edges and hold onto those edges. He encouraged me to do that in his office, which I did. Somehow we got through the visit.

But I am so tired and discouraged. I have to go back to his office on Sat. for a follow up to see how these new meds are working, and I can hardly stand the thought. Why can't he practice in some nice office park, on the third floor, with a view of a parking lot or something?

It is over for now anyway. And maybe I'll get lucky and the medication will help both the depression and the anxiety.

Thank you for all your kind words this morning. They did and do help.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I am sorry about the flashbacks and that you were triggered.

I'm glad he was kind and I really hope the medication will help you.

Thinking of you.

 

[ThatLady]

I'm sorry the appointment was so difficult for you, pocono, but it sounds like you handled it very well. Perhaps, being exposed to this location will help you in the long run. The therapist sounds like a very kind and considerate person, and he's working to help you deal with the feelings you're having. This could turn out to be a really useful experience for you. :hug:

 

[pocono]

ThatLady, I just read your post and am surprised by your insight.

I have to go back to the Dr.'s office this Tues. I spoke with my therapist on Friday about how I am going to handle going back into that room. I had an idea, which may be a little crazy, but my therapist didn't think so.

I asked him if it would be ok if i actually pretend it is the room where the bad things happened. I asked if there is any kind of therapy where trauma victims ever are encouraged to return to the scene of the trauma.

For whatever reason, i got more energy out of imagining it is the room -- and gearing up to go back and confront it, then trying to convince myself that it isn't and fighting back all the feelings that will come anyway.

My therapist encouraged me to try this fantasy out. I'm going to try to say something to the Dr. like "You know, this room looks an awful lot like another room from my childhood where the trauma happened." I'm hoping that I can be active in this situation, rather than passive and frightened.....

Has anyone ever heard of anyone trying something like this before?