Dark feelings come with the night

[Sylvia]

journal entry Monday, May 16, 2005

I feel so weak as though everything amounts to nothing. As if life meant to be this great thing is nothing. It was very good that Dr.C called me back because I knew that I needed help today. I usually think I can fix things myself when I can't. After talking with her I felt like a little girl. I feel so much pain inside. I can't seem to take it. Over the past three days I have thought of death often in the darkness which overtakes me. There is no "art" to dying Ms.Sylvia Plath but it does feel "like hell" to feel as though you want to die. Like hell, like hell truly it is...I knew too well. I suffer yes and yet I live still with pain inside. At odds with myself, my thoughts, and my mind. How I want to give in and keep myself away from everything if only to heal myself. I cannot live with such self-hatred, it kills everything happy and it is slowly doing me in. Why do I always feel so alone? To think of death so longingly--such hell that feeling brings to me again and again.I am only a little girl (referring to inner child)..17 and a little girl am I. I cannot get away from the emptiness inside in the dark night. Emptiness and darkness have almost become one in the same.

~ Sylvia

 

[Suzette]

dark feelings come with the night

Dear Sylvia,

I read your post. You are in so much pain and darkness... that must be indeed almost unbearable.

Apart from your longing not to feel anymore (to die), what is it that you feel you need in this situation? From others, or what you want to do yourself?

There seems to go so much hatred towards yourself (that is a power you have), is there any way you can somehow try to direct the power into another direction? It is like all arrows go towards you and you seem to choke. Ofcourse you choke then.

If you could pick one arrow, in what way would you like to turn it around, what direction would it go to....? To whom... or to what...?

I know it is a difficult question but I have to ask him cause this seems unbearable. Noone deserves this Sylvia.


Suzette

 

[David Baxter PhD]

dark feelings come with the night

Very well put, Suzette...

 

[Suzette]

dark feelings come with the night

David: thank you...

Sylvia:

I honestly hope you will post again. Keep talking, no matter what you want to say... just keep posting. Whether you feel angry, numb, extremely down, a bit better, it does not matter. If you think I am stupid or asking you weird or difficult questions, then please say so. I don't fall from my chair from that, I just need to know what is on your mind. This also counts for others, I am sure!

I hope to hear from you.

Love,

Suzette

 

[exhausted]

dark feelings come with the night

How old are you? If I knew, perhaps I could help.
SusieQ

 

[ithappens]

dark feelings come with the night

did you pick the name sylvia plath because of the writer?
i think that she's a great author, and i just wanted to commend you on such a great name choice, too bad more of us can't be as creative as you are
i also just wanted to say that no matter what, please don't end up like her, you seem like a great person, n that would just be a shame

 

[Sylvia]

dark feelings come with the night

I want to thank you all for replying.

Suzette what you said is right although not entirely easy to answer. I will do my best though.I wrote that passage in my Journal because my threshold for the emotional pain had broken.one thing I need is to build up a better support system. Right now the only one who is part of that is my psychologist. subconsciously I have undertaken the goal of trying to make people understand me. Of course this is impossible for those who haven't experienced depression.I need human connection as much as I deny myself that. other people see potential in me but I am blind to that which doesn't help.

I would like to redirect my self-hatred into something positive. Although I must say it is easier said than done. I'm trying to get the bottom of that I really am. I feel really depressed and suicidal I can't focus on anything else. otherwise things just seem gray.I'm not quite sure yet where I would redirect my focus because first I need to figure out how to redirect it.

one thing I can't figure out is;why do I feel so guilty for asking for help? I feel like I'm a nuisance to everyone! My family my psychologist and everyone here.I feel so mixed up I can't help myself.

for the record I am 17 years old.

ithappens- the origin of the name is such. I am inspired by her poetry. Intrigued by her life and death. I wrote a paper on her and learned much about her life. It was very twisted and complex. She was surely talented. I really wish that I could have met her because she is quite fascinating apart from her death. Although I am suicidal with hope I won't end up like Sylvia Plath. She gave in as I often want to but can't. Lady Lazarus...

~ Sylvia

 

[Suzette]

dark feelings come with the night

Sylvia

When I saw you wrote again I made a small jump in my chair! I was feeling insecure towards you because I was afraid I had come across as a bit judgemental, which I did not meant at all. But apparently this was not the case

You write: "subconsciously I have undertaken the goal of trying to make people understand me."

Now that is a HUGE step. Congratulations... That is what you have achieved perhaps because you felt completely broken, down and numb.

"other people see potential in me but I am blind to that which doesn't help."

Well, that is perfectly normal when you feel so down. When one feels so down, one feels worthless, a nuisance. It would be strange actually when you would have not have those thoughts. It belongs to your situation.

"I would like to redirect my self-hatred into something positive. Although I must say it is easier said than done. I'm trying to get the bottom of that I really am. I feel really depressed and suicidal I can't focus on anything else. otherwise things just seem gray.I'm not quite sure yet where I would redirect my focus because first I need to figure out how to redirect it."

The fact that you are open to it is already an achievement. Also done by yourself, and yourself only...

You know, right now I think of a speed skater. When you ask a speed skater who is used to skate in circles to the left from his childhood on, from now on to only skate in circles to the right, he would feel the same. The only thing he is good at is making circles to the left. The right he has no clue about. He is completely not familiar with it... yet...

So far from me this moment, since I have to go to sleep (oops, 5 a.m. here...). But I wanted to post before that, since I am happy you are writing again!

I will write you again Sylvia!

A big hug from


Suzette

 

[ThatLady]

dark feelings come with the night

I don't think it's unusual for people to feel guilty, or a nuisance, when asking for help. I think it's probably pretty common to feel that way. We feel like we're encroaching on other people's time and energies when we should be able to handle things for ourselves.

For me, I found the answer by turning things around. If someone else asked me for help, how did it make me feel? Why, rather good, actually. I was flattered that another would consider me so worthy. I was also really glad to be able to do something for someone else. When I looked at it that way, I realized that asking for help is, in a way, giving a gift. It's allowing someone else to be an integral part of your life. That's an honor, dear, not a burden. )

 

[Suzette]

dark feelings come with the night

ThatLady: yes I agree. But for me, did not look at it myself that way until someone really told me to turn it around!

Sylvia: I read that your therapist is away for three weeks. That would scare me very much too. Especially when she seems the only link to be able to express yourself in a way that works for you. Otherwise you would not be missing her/him that much. So you are capable of expressing yourself somehow and also experience help. That is a good thing.

I know Sylvia, that I asked you a very difficult question before. It's just like it seems as if somewhere in your past you decided unconsciously not to express annoyance or irritation towards people. Perhaps it was not even taught to you, perhaps your parents told/taught you not to.

So, when you are angry with someone (who isn't for some reason at a time?) it seems to go back to yourself. Somehow you tell yourself to shut up although I think you are not aware of it.

It is like telling a tree not to let his leaves drop at fall. If the tree would listen imagine what he would feel like after five years: piled up with things it actually wanted to drop.

Can you relate to this? Would it apply to you?

Furtheron I am so curious what you think you need yourself to even try to make you feel a little bit better. What is the first thing that comes to mind thinking about it...? That is important. Your desires, your view on it, what you want.

 

[Suzette]

dark feelings come with the night

Sylvia,

Has your therapist left yet on holiday? How are you doing...?

 

[Sylvia]

dark feelings come with the night

my therapist leaves on holiday this week and she won't be back until the 16th of June.I can't quite say that I am doing well. My lungs fill with air and my heart beats as an automatic function. I lived because I have to otherwise I do not feel alive.

last Saturday in your post you mentioned if I knew what I need for myself. To be honest I do not really know what I want. The first thing that comes to mind is understanding and acceptance. I see what you're saying about the tree and yes I could apply that to myself.

Friday did not go well at all. a student who had graduated a few years ago came to talk to our health class about depression. depression is not quite easy to talk about with other people. In fact I don't think I could have the courage to discuss how it affects my life in front of an audience. Some boys in the class were very disrespectful. They weren't listening to what she had said and they were making fun of her for feeling suicidal. How could they? Those bastards! she left the room crying and could not finish her presentation.

this made me feel so horrible! so I wrote a letter to the young woman who was so coldly disrespected and told her how I understand the feelings that she expressed. I hope that by doing so I can make some good out of such a bad situation. She had come to our class wanting to educate us hoping that she could make something good out of her horrible experience with depression and self-mutilation.

anyway how are you doing? I look forward to hearing from you...

~ Sylvia

 

[David Baxter PhD]

dark feelings come with the night

Some boys in the class were very disrespectful. They weren't listening to what she had said and they were making fun of her for feeling suicidal. How could they? Those bastards! she left the room crying and could not finish her presentation.

That's appalling, Sylvia... and an indication of how much work needs to be done to increase awareness of mental health issues.

I think your action after the class was commendable... I hope it helped that young woman.

 

[Suzette]

dark feelings come with the night

Hi Sylvia,

Good to hear from you, good to hear from you...

I did not expect you to feel better, that would be not realistic. As long as you write down like you do now, it's good. You know what, I wish I could be as honest as you can. I cannot remember that I ever dared to share how down I really felt. You have to write a book one day, it is amazing how you can express yourself.

As for myself: I am doing reasonably fine.

....

See? Now I get stuck cause I cannot express myself. Let's try. I feel very tense, have intense dreams, sometimes feeling I move back in time. This is a new phase in my recovery. But apart from that I feel quite determined and that I really enjoy somehow. I have not felt this determined ever.

I never really know what I actually feel or think until I have my weekly crying fit. Usually after that I do know. So I am actually more or less waiting for that. I have to find my way in this new phase in my life.

You write you need understanding and acceptance. I hope you experience that Sylvia. If you need something else too, please write that. Advice, or tips.

What you told about what happened at school, oh my... I don't understand that your teacher did not throw those boys out since they were making fun of someone who is that courageous to be open about it. But apart from that, some of your class mates might have admired this lady, just like you did. What a good thing to do to write her, she must consider that a comfort.

Sylvia, I am wondering: does it relief you somehow to write down how you feel and what you experience? I am so curious about that. Is it a help or is it something you have to force yourself to....?

It is incredible that you are capable of doing this in the situation you are in. It amazes me.

Hope to hear from you,

A big smile to you

Suzette

 

[Sylvia]

dark feelings come with the night

I try to be honest the best I can. Frankly I have trouble expressing the true depth of my feelings at times. This mostly relates to my suicidal feelings which tends to scare people and they react negatively and make things worse for me. Otherwise I am good at expressing myself with words. Writing seems to be the only thing I'm good at. It does bring me some relief to write down how I feel but sometimes pen and paper just isn't enough. And that is when a usually hurt myself.

you are determination seems like a good thing but don't get too caught up in it. the only reason I say that is because if you try too hardyou mayget frustrated and lose your determination in a search for perfection. Just remember that perfection isn't reality only an ideal hardly ever achieved by anyone. We are all only human after all.

although sometimes when I'm really depressed I don't like to write at all. and yet sometimes it is the only thing that keeps me going. This may sound strange I have a passion for the written word if nothing else at all.

maybe you should try to write down what you feel and see if that works as good as crying...? Maybe one day you don't have to wait to cry to know how you feel.

~ Sylvia

 

[Suzette]

dark feelings come with the night

Hi Sylvia,

Even when I notice things I cannot do or cannot do yet, it does not really bother me. Because I know that the things that are not in balance with me, will in time. If I would keep paying attention to that when I don't feel I want to, it's no use: it's not the right time yet.

But with determination I mean that I don't feel that I get completely upset anymore when people think different than I do. When I sense things, I know I can rely on that. For years I used to doubt myself completely (got in panic also) when somebody else would say: "you should be doing this! otherwise you don't survive!" And I lived in such fear already. So I am glad I don't go into that anymore, unless I agree. Then it does ring a bell here.

I think it is too early for me that I am capable of writing down exactly how I feel. I don't want that either. I am happy as it is that it slowly seems like I can also start my own life now. First time and I am already 39! Never felt this before.

The only time when I really want to change things is when it's bothering me really much. Then I have to pay attention to it and I also want to because I have to.

 

[Suzette]

dark feelings come with the night

Sylvia,

I've been thinking. Wouldn't it be something for you to have your own website or weblog?

If things are too difficult to cope with, it helps me to write it on the internet because the presence of all the people helps me to.

You can also add images then of the things that feel are appropriate. It will all be yours, nobody can hurt you when they cannot reply. And you also might help others with your writing.

Something for you?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

dark feelings come with the night

Wouldn't it be something for you to have your own website or weblog?

If things are too difficult to cope with, it helps me to write it on the internet because the presence of all the people helps me to.

I think some people have discovered that owning a site or blog can be a little too public... posting in a forum like this can be anonymous... owning a website requires you to reveal certain information about the owner. Depending on your circumstances, that may or may not be a concern...

 

[Suzette]

dark feelings come with the night

Oh, yes, if you cannot be anonymous I wouldn't do it either.

How about Yahoo for example? When I started my website (did not work out) I do not recall that I had to give my personal information. You can almost just start.

Oh.... or do you mean that someone can recognize you by the things you post?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

dark feelings come with the night

No, sorry... I was talking about when you register a domain name like www.psychlinks.ca -- if you use one of the free site builders like Yahoo/Geocities or one of the online blogs like www.blogger.com it should be okay. You still DO have to be careful about what details you post online, though...