Defeating self

[Cat Dancer]

I told him I feel desperate and I do feel that way. I think the physical effects of the starving and purging are causing psychological consequences. I feel so low and hopeless. I don't know what my therapist can really do for me though. How can he help me?

Thanks for all your responses. I meant to say that, but I forgot. I'm not really thinking correctly right now and I know I'm not. I don't want to die from this. I want to get better. But I feel so bad.

 

[Daniel E.]

I think the physical effects of the starving and purging are causing psychological consequences.

This is why I liked (or didn't dislike) your idea of hospitalization yesterday. I would think that going to an in-patient or out-patient hospitalization program even for just a few days could only help normalize one's eating behavior.

 

[Peanut]

Nice Janet. I think that's a great step writing that letter. I think you can breath at least a little sigh of relief that you did that, and now your therapist really should make a move to help you. I don't think you're expected to know what to do to make yourself get well, but you did do your part by being honest with your therapist about what you need help with. I also think Daniel's suggestion of small steps toward getting well was very good and maybe something to shoot for in the meantime. Maybe while you're waiting you could set some small goals for yourself along the lines of what Daniel was talking about. You really did a big thing though, and I think it should be underscored how big of a move it was. Now it should be expected that your therapist will respond with the help you need soon. Until then you have us (and after that of course)!

 

[ThatLady]

I'm really glad you wrote and mailed that letter, Janet. Please, keep us posted and let us know when your therapist responds. In the meantime, we're here. :hug:

 

[Misha]

This is why I liked (or didn't dislike) your idea of hospitalization yesterday. I would think that going to an in-patient or out-patient hospitalization program even for just a few days could only help normalize one's eating behavior.

Janet, I'm sooo sorry that I didn't jump in on this thread earlier. I wish I had been able to offer you support on this journey the last few days. I also struggle with bulimia/anorexia and depression/other mental illness, self injury, the likes.

In regards to the quote above (perhaps other than the 'few days' part), this is very much true in my experience. I spent years living consumed by my eating disorder and nothing would help me. When I "snapped" and went into hospital the first time I attempted suicide, I became a chronic patient because nothing would help me, no meds, no therapy, nothing.

Then I went inpatient in an eating disorder program here. As my body began to trust that I would feed it and not throw up, my metabolism has learned to level off. That in itself has improved my mood. But what has happened is that the medications I am on (finally the right ones - this doctor knows what he's doing!! and yes, you can come here...) started working, because as my metabolism kicked in I was able to metabolise the meds, which (of course) wasn't happening before. It's a long process. I was inpatient for a few months, then outpatient.... it's been 7 months in the program total so far, and I hope to be done by the end of the year. That's a longer than average run, but my behaviours were very engrained.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: give your body a chance to be healthy enough to heal. Put yourself in an environment where you are safe and can care for yourself enough to give the meds a chance. You are a wonderful, beautiful person, and no matter how long you have been fighting this, or how much damage it has done, you deserve to come out the other end.

If you ever have any questions about my treatment experiences, Dr. names, treatment ctrs. I know of, or anything, send me a PM and I'll get right back to you, ok? I'll be thinking of you!!

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks, Misha. You know how exhausting this is. I'm so exhausted. I wonder if the eating disorder does affect the medications metabolizing in my system. I had never thought of that. I guess it could. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote and I'm so glad you're getting help and on the right track although I know it can't be easy. You're brave.

Maybe one day I'll be able to face this head on and deal with it. That's what I'm trying to do anyway.

 

[ladylore]

Hi Janet,

In my opinion I think you are facing it head on. And Misha hit the nail on the head, it just takes time for your body to readjust. And much of what we talk about in the forum when it comes to mental health are chemical imbalances. I hope you do get a great therapist that understands what you are going through and the proper medical attention, as Misha suggested. And yes, we are here to lean on too. Take gentle care of yourself.

Ladylore

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks, Ladylore.

I am trying to take one day at a time.

 

[ladylore]

Your welcome Janet

Hope your having a peaceful long weekend.:2thumbs:

Ladylore

 

[Misha]

Janet, Hope you are doing well. You have been on my mind lots lately.
Just wanted to check in.
Also wanted to give you an extra resource in case you wanted to check it out. There is another forum I frequent as well as this one, that offers more specific eating disorder support. It can be found at www.joyprojectonline.com. In case you ever need it !
Again, hope all is well! Create a good day!
Misha

 

[Daniel E.]

It can be found at www.joyprojectonline.com.

And the sister site seems excellent with sample meal plans, relapse prevention strategies (like "radical acceptance"), stories of recovery, etc.:

http://www.joyproject.org/

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks. I am still struggling. It's just an ongoing process of struggling. I felt more hopeful yesterday than I do today. It seems I'm climbing a mountain and I'm very tired.

Thanks for the new resource.

 

[Misha]

Thanks for adding the main Joy Project site there Daniel... I always forget to include that link...

 

[Cat Dancer]

Still going downhill with this. I physically feel so rundown even though I'm honestly trying to eat, but nothing will stay down. It's just gotten to the point where it's automatic, what I eat doesn't want to stay down, and I don't want it to either. I am so disgusting. I feel so weak. I don't think maintaining the weight I am at would be a bad thing, even though I'm underweight, but I want to be even more underweight. I guess it's just part of the illness/disease, what it does to your brain. It gives a desperate feeling, no matter what you do, if you eat, don't eat, purge, don't purge. There's just a feeling that you can't win the battle no matter what. Or at least it is with me. I honestly would go to an inpatient treatment program if there was one available anywhere near me. I am at a point of wanting to stop this before it gets critical.