• Quote of the Day
    "The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well."
    Alfred Adler, posted by David Baxter

MMJ

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2004
Messages
14
Points
1
Hello,
I have been looking around this forum for a couple of hours now (not all in one day) and I’m not sure what to post this under so I thought it best fitted here.

I’ve been having a lot of problems lately with the way my life and how my moods have been going. I’ve been depressed for a while now and It’s not like me to be depressed like this for so long. When I did get depressed it lasted for the max 3 or 4 days and that only happened a couple of times. Usually I wasn’t depressed anymore by the time the next day came. But for the past 2 to 3 months I have been almost full time depressed and it’s scaring me.

I’m a senior in High School. Last year I failed a few classes due to my time away from school and I’m making them up because I need to graduate. So this year I’m really trying to concentrate but it seems I just can’t and all I do is break down and just start crying.

My mother has been so angry with me because I don’t do anything. I don’t want to talk to my mom. She’ll blow up at me if I say anything is wrong with me. I feel bad about this because I used to tell my mother everything but now I feel I can’t talk to her anymore. I can’t talk to my sister because she’ll tell my mother and the same for my brother. (I’m the youngest in my family) My mother is going through metapause and I don’t know if it’s that or if it’s just me but she’s always super angry or super nice. She’s usually only nice when we have people over or my brother comes for a visit. Any other times I feel she’s always yelling about something I didn’t do or something I need to do or something I did that was done wrong. I really don’t want to be mad at her because I know she’s going through a lot right now.

When I started to notice a problem was arising, (actually my friend noticed and pointed it out to me) I started to look for some help. And I thought I might be suffering from a fear of mine almost like a phobia. It’s embarrassing to talk about but I really thought it was a problem… and I still do. So, I started to look for some Self-help books for that and I felt completely hopeless as the only things I could find were online and I can't order stuff for myself yet. I didn’t want to ask my mother but I asked my brother but he’s busy with his school work and stuff so he’s probably forgotten by now.
So I looked again and I found this forum. I’ve looked around here and started to read. I think I’m more depressed and stressed out then suffering from my fear even though is still bothers me quite a bit.

I talked to a close online friend of mine about some of the problems and stressors and my whole phobia problem I have been going through and talking to her always makes me feel better. That is until recently. Now when I talk to her I feel like I’m dumping all my problems on her and I hate it. I don’t want her to worry but I want some kind of help. I don’t have a job so I can’t pay for anything even if I could get help. I don’t want to bother my mother, as I said before she’ll just yell at me or freak out. I’ve tried talking to some of my other friends but no one seems to really understand or they think I’m joking except my one online friend I mentioned.
I cry almost every night it seems and I almost burst into tears at school randomly. I’ve never felt so sad before. First time in my life I have ever wanted to just disappear and it scares me. I don’t believe in suicide. I’ve had many friends over the years who’ve trying to do that and I could never help them. Thankfully none of them ever went through with any of it and are now living good lives. I never want to hurt myself like that. I DO want to see what tomorrow brings. I know there’s help somewhere and even if it takes a few years I’ll get help somehow or another. I just wish I could do something now about all this. I don’t want to fail my classes. I never seem to get enough sleep. I have a driving test to take soon. And I just don’t know anymore.

Sorry this post is so long.
 

Ash

Member
Joined
Aug 17, 2004
Messages
261
Points
16
Please don't apologize for the post size! I'm glad that you're here and that you are taking the initiative to figure out what's wrong. I'm also glad that you're able to look at this objectively enough that you don't want to commit suicide. That says A LOT!

Would you be able to talk to a professional about this? I realize that it must be hard considering your mother's reactions. However, you simply can't let this go on too long. You need help. Have you thought about talking to your school counselor? Sometimes they can be very helpful, especially if you're not getting the help elsewhere.

My mother is going through metapause and I don’t know if it’s that or if it’s just me but she’s always super angry or super nice. She’s usually only nice when we have people over or my brother comes for a visit. Any other times I feel she’s always yelling about something I didn’t do or something I need to do or something I did that was done wrong.

I can really relate to that. My mother is exactly the same way. Everyone outside of the family loves her because she's extremely different around them than she is with me. It's hard not to take it personally but you have to keep in mind that it's HER issue and not YOURS. I know that doesn't make the situation any easier to deal with but you can't internalize it.

I'm not sure that you mentioned in your post what your phobia is. Would you mind sharing?
 

David Baxter

Administrator
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Mar 26, 2004
Messages
37,570
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If you are able to describe the "phobia" here, you might be surprised to learn that many others have exeprienced a similar problem and can help you by sharing their own experiences. On the other hand, it seems you are embarrassed about whatever it is -- if you would feel more comfortable, send me a Private Message (see "Messages" at the top of the page or "send message" under my name at the left) or via email.
 

MMJ

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2004
Messages
14
Points
1
Ash said:
Would you be able to talk to a professional about this? I realize that it must be hard considering your mother's reactions. However, you simply can't let this go on too long. You need help. Have you thought about talking to your school counselor? Sometimes they can be very helpful, especially if you're not getting the help elsewhere.

I'm actually too scared to. I wish I could get help by myself but I don't have the money or the transpertation. I have thought about talking to my school counselor but truthfully I don't like him and I don't know the school psychologist and I'm scared to ask who it is.
 

Ash

Member
Joined
Aug 17, 2004
Messages
261
Points
16
MMJ said:
I'm actually too scared to. I wish I could get help by myself but I don't have the money or the transpertation. I have thought about talking to my school counselor but truthfully I don't like him and I don't know the school psychologist and I'm scared to ask who it is.

If you don't like the counselor then definitely don't go talk to him. That would only be added stress. Do you trust any of your teachers? Even if it's only to ask who the psychologist is? I'm worried about you.
 

MMJ

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2004
Messages
14
Points
1
Ash said:
If you don't like the counselor then definitely don't go talk to him. That would only be added stress. Do you trust any of your teachers? Even if it's only to ask who the psychologist is? I'm worried about you.

I actually have been thinking about this all day and I belive my other art teacher would help me. I never really thought about it but she's always been nice and suportive. I think I might ask her. Thank you very much.
 

Ash

Member
Joined
Aug 17, 2004
Messages
261
Points
16
MMJ said:
I actually have been thinking about this all day and I belive my other art teacher would help me. I never really thought about it but she's always been nice and suportive. I think I might ask her. Thank you very much.

I hope that you do. Please keep us updated!
 

sammy

Member
Joined
Aug 1, 2004
Messages
113
Points
18
Hi MMJ,
Yes, keep us updated :)
Keep talking here if you can, as people here do want to listen...

I remember my mom going through menopause... it was hurtful to me, as she had always been so caring, so sacrificial...

I was sharing a flat (apartment) with some people when I was 19 and there was weird stuff going on there... tarot/occult and loads of pot...and the people got nasty, so I phoned my dad, in tears when it was really bad, and he came and took me home...
my mom just moaned that I was home (and I was already very upset), ...but that just wasn't like her...and she dropped comments about me getting dad to do what I wanted etc...

I know now what was going on in her menopausal mind, but I didn't then and felt she didn't love me...
She came through it though... :D and got back to normal.

Try and think of it as being a phase with your mom, and because it's physical she doesn't have much control over it...

But I'm sure she still loves you. :)
 

MMJ

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2004
Messages
14
Points
1
Thank you, Sammy. I do try and remember that. Sometimes it's hard... and it just started about a few months ago so It's really frightening to me I suppose.

The teacher I spoke of wasn't there today. I'm going to have to wait till next week. I thought of perhaps leaving a note in the psychiatrist’s "box" but I'm not even fur if she has a box. I found her name on my School's Website but no picture or anything. I'm still going to ask my art teacher.

I will keep posting. Thank you so much! I actually feel better just talking about it.
 

sammy

Member
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Aug 1, 2004
Messages
113
Points
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I thought of perhaps leaving a note in the psychiatrist’s "box" but I'm not even fur if she has a box. I found her name on my School's Website but no picture or anything. I'm still going to ask my art teacher.

that sounds good- well done!
(((hugs)))
Marion
 

jubjub

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Joined
Jul 24, 2004
Messages
120
Points
16
I have been reading this thread and one thought crossed my mind. Have you started taking any prescribed medications recently that may be affecting your mood? That is to say, medications for any physical problem, not for depression. Sometimes medications can affect your mood.

In my case, for instance, many years ago I was taking birth control pills and I developed terrible headaches and cried at the drop of a hat no matter where I was or what I was doing. I stopped taking them and all those symptoms went away.

I just thought I'd mention this in case you are taking any recent new medications. It's not something that people usually come up with on their own. I know that is probably not the case with you, but I thought I'd mention this for what it's worth.

Anna
 

MMJ

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2004
Messages
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Points
1
Thank you for mentioning it. But I don't take any medications. I wouldn't of thought of that even if it was the case. Thank you.
 

MMJ

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Joined
Sep 22, 2004
Messages
14
Points
1
I asked my teacher. She said I have to talk to my consoler to schedule a time with the psychologist. Which is cool but now I don't know what to tell my consoler. I know he's going to ask questions. I hate answering questions. I don’t know what I’d tell him.
I think it might just be best I wait till I can afford to see someone myself in a year or so. I'm afraid they'll contact my mom or something if I go to my consoler. My mom doesn't need any more problems in her life.
 

jubjub

Member
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Jul 24, 2004
Messages
120
Points
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I don't know which city you are living in, or even which country for that matter, but maybe it would be worth investigating whether there are any free help agencies that offer counselling to students, such as programmes (everyone always laughs when I spell it that way - okay, programs!)funded by the United Way or the YWCA, for example a drop in centre or a crisis house. That might be worth a try. You have nothing to lose and you may find help sooner than you think. They might be able to at least refer you in the right direction.
 

David Baxter

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Or... just see the counsellor and tell him it's something personal that you do not want to discuss with anyone but the psychologist. If he insists, make something up like, "I'm having trouble with anxiety or depression" or something. If he has any inegrity or ethics at all, he should respect your privacy.
 

MMJ

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2004
Messages
14
Points
1
Just an update.
I haven't been here in a long while. I just went to my doctor's as I was having a lot of problems with my medication for my sinuses. He said it was stress and depression. I finally got to talk to him alone and I told him a number of things that have been on my mind so much. Allot having to do with my mom and such.

I feel a lot better. Though I feel a little bad because my mom had to leave the room and she worries now if she's stressing me and stuff. It's scary how ill stress can make someone.

I'm going to get some blood work done to make sure I don't have anything else.

I never did talk to my school counselor. It just fell behind me. I have so many things to do I just kind of grinded down to a halt. But I know I can talk to my doctor now. He's been my friend since I was little. XD He was there when I was born! But still. I feel comfortable talking to him. He said I can call him anytime if I need to talk. It really makes me feel better.

I just hope my school understands. I have missed a lot of days due to medication allergies and stress. Most of them I had to leave early but they end out counting as full days in the school book if I miss so many hours. So, I'm going to go in and schedule an appointment with my counselor and hopefully I can work something out so I can graduate this year!

And for the first time in a long time...

I'm not upset about turning 18! :D

Thank you, everyone.

I'll update if anything else comes up.
 
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