I used to be depressed, I used to cry a lot. I don't cry these days, the tears have dried up and all that remains are dark and tormenting thoughts that I just don't seem to be able to shake.
When I'm with family members I don't feel so bad, but once I'm on my own, it all seems so bleak, the dark thoughts enter my mind but I can't really put into words the way I feel.
I worry about everything, about my parents dying, my sibblings dying, and how I don't want to be around to experience their deaths - I want to go before them. I worry about my future, how bad it will be, and it will be bad - I'm in my early 30s, heading towards my mid-thirties and still live at home and can't support myself, don't have much independance, don't have a girlfriend and don't think I ever will. I used to, but my self-confidence and self-esteem just don't exist, so I've acccepted I'll never have another.
I think about how short life is and try to figure out if there's any point in living. I think about killing myself a lot, and I know how I'll do it. I don't cry and I'm not always this way, my thoughts are calm, the depression has changed... I used to get so worked up and just cry, but it isn't like that anymore. This kind of depression is scaring me. I've distanced myself from friends, I don't see them anymore. My thoughts of suicide seem so rational and calculated, it doesn't seem like a knee-jerk reaction anymore. I'm trying to convince myself that my family will get over my death, it will get easier for them and in 50 years time it won't matter, they'll all be dead anyway.
I don't even know why I'm writing this, I know some people who bothered to read this post might reply, offering kinds words of encouragment, but they won't change the way I feel. I sometimes have moments of hope, but they are moments, but they are soon engulfed with the rotting darkness that lurks within my mind. Live and be unhappy, or die and be nothing. It's a no-brainer.
When I'm with family members I don't feel so bad, but once I'm on my own, it all seems so bleak, the dark thoughts enter my mind but I can't really put into words the way I feel.
I worry about everything, about my parents dying, my sibblings dying, and how I don't want to be around to experience their deaths - I want to go before them. I worry about my future, how bad it will be, and it will be bad - I'm in my early 30s, heading towards my mid-thirties and still live at home and can't support myself, don't have much independance, don't have a girlfriend and don't think I ever will. I used to, but my self-confidence and self-esteem just don't exist, so I've acccepted I'll never have another.
I think about how short life is and try to figure out if there's any point in living. I think about killing myself a lot, and I know how I'll do it. I don't cry and I'm not always this way, my thoughts are calm, the depression has changed... I used to get so worked up and just cry, but it isn't like that anymore. This kind of depression is scaring me. I've distanced myself from friends, I don't see them anymore. My thoughts of suicide seem so rational and calculated, it doesn't seem like a knee-jerk reaction anymore. I'm trying to convince myself that my family will get over my death, it will get easier for them and in 50 years time it won't matter, they'll all be dead anyway.
I don't even know why I'm writing this, I know some people who bothered to read this post might reply, offering kinds words of encouragment, but they won't change the way I feel. I sometimes have moments of hope, but they are moments, but they are soon engulfed with the rotting darkness that lurks within my mind. Live and be unhappy, or die and be nothing. It's a no-brainer.