Depressive Cycle

[stargazer]

This is all in another thread of mine, but I can't find it off the top; and I don't quite have the time/energy right now.

I am finding myself depressed and wanting to stop working, so as to continue on disability. My rational mind tells me this is unreasonable, because all that will happen is that I will become frustrated that I'm not working, and that it will be hard to make ends meet on disability alone. Emotionally, however, I feel compelled to escape some of the discomforts of my responsibilities.

Also, this is all part of a pattern I have. I wish I could find the other thread.

It's not that the job is itself depressing, although it is stressful at times, like any other job. It's just that I am perceiving it in a negative light. For those of you who know that this involves music, some of which I myself have composed, I begin to see the music as somewhat worthless; in that it was composed during a bout of mania, and it seems to me to reflect that mania. Now that I see and hear other people performing it, I keep getting these uncomfortable feelings as though I am subjecting them to a past mania of mine, and inflicting that mania upon them. So, I am belaboring the idea that what I am doing, and have been doing, is immoral and unethical.

This leads to perceptions that are somewhat sensitive, and I might go to the Members Only thread for those, especially if I am unable to put a halt to them quickly. The music itself is better than some of its trappings. I think that slowly, the people I am working with are catching on to me. So, I have been feeling a little paranoid.

I will also call my therapist, now.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I will also call my therapist, now.

That's a good idea. I think your therapist is in the best position to advise you now.

What are your current medications, SG?

 

[stargazer]

What are your current medications, SG?

Depakote for bipolar (and to help with anger issues) at 2000mg a day. Valium as needed to sleep, but I almost never take it. I tried respirdal (sic.) twice but had bad reactions to it, seeming to increase anger-related behaviors that depakote has been effective in reducing.

That's a good idea. I think your therapist is in the best position to advise you now.

I called but she's unavailable. They advised me to call during her lunch break, but it sounded like everyone was all stressed out on this particular Monday, and I am hesitant to disturb her lunch.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Depakote is a mood stabilizer. That works pretty well to keep someone with bipolar level most of the time. But many bipolar individuals also benefit from the addition of an antidepressant at certain times (sometimes on a seasonal basis). Not the antidepressant bis added to the medication; it doesn't replace Depakote. This would be worth discussing with your doctor when you can.

 

[stargazer]

I think respirdal (risperdal?) is an anti-psychotic. I have a friend who's a schizophrenic paranoid who takes it. It works for him, but it made me feel very strange, even after taking it for quite a few days. I couldn't handle it, really.

Maybe if they gave me an anti-depressant instead, it would be more helpful. I can talk to the doctor about this next time we meet.

As far as today went, I was able to talk one-to-one with my therapist during my break between 4pm and 5pm. It was helpful. She said some good things, and the rest of the work day went pretty well. The depression eventually lifted.

I have noticed that my depressive swings tend not to last very long, compared to the periods of hypomania. Every now and then, however, there's a big one.