Diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder

[Andy]

I have been diagnosed with AvPD. I am not trying to start anything here, I actually came into this thread to see if there were any other people on here that were DIAGNOSED with it as well.

I know everyone has issues and seeks out answers but please go to a Dr. if you think you have a mental illness. Don't diagnose yourself. AvPD is a very painful disorder and is not something that can be decided that you have because you relate to symptoms. I don't say that to be insensitive. I just would like to reiterate that you see a professional.

(Wow I'm starting out really well on this site lol)

Anyway, any diagnosed AvPD's out there?

 

[Into The Light]

not me, but i thought i'd respond to your thread to bump it a bit and see if others will reply.

how are you coping with this disorder?

 

[Andy]

lol Well thanks for giving it the bump.
Honestly I am not doing well with this disorder at all.
I find it especially hard to find anyone to relate to. I find people but they usually say that they think that this is what they have. Anything on the internet is usually just describing the disorder.

Anyway, thanks for asking, maybe there is someone lurking around here...:dimples:

 

[Into The Light]

i don't really know anything about it, do you want to talk a bit about how it affects you? (only if you are comfortable with that)

are you getting any kind of therapy to help cope?

 

[ladylore]

I wasn't diagnosed with that disorder/illness. I was diagnosed with PTSD, hence because of anxiety I do avoid some things, places.....

 

[NicNak]

I wasn't diagnosed with that disorder/illness. I was diagnosed with PTSD, hence because of anxiety I do avoid some things, places.....

I am this same way, due to anxiety as well. I avoid a lot of things I shouldn't :blush:

 

[Andy]

I can try to explain a little bit I guess. I don't know how well I can do that as I have never really put it into words before. I also have other mental health issues to (Bipolar, Eating disorder to name a couple) so sometimes I find it hard to figure out where one ends and the other begins.

First off, I tend to ramble and I jump from one thing to the next so bear with me.

Hmmmm. Well, for starters I have a really long psych history prior to being diagnosed with AvPD so instead of writing a novel here I will just sort of explain how it has morphed into this the last 5 years or so. When I was little I had selective mutism, which I believe contributed to my social phobia which seems to have brought out the severity of the AvPD in me.

I have slowly gone from having a job and friends and a social life to living alone in my apartment, without a job and my friends are still my friends but they have stopped calling me and I them. I am alone 24/7. The only time I see people are when I go to appointments or the store which is incredibly stressful not only because I feel like everyone is looking at me and laughing at me but because I am not around people often I AM socially awkward and I can feel people watching me be clumsy, hearing me stutter if I talk, and then I start to think that they think I am whacked out on drugs or something because I am acting odd but also I have an eating disorder so on top of that I hate being around all the food and I am self conscious about my nasty appearance so I am even more awkward.

When I do go out with friends which is literally maybe 5 times a year (every year it gets less) I have to drink. And boy do I drink! lol

I am suppose to be out there finding a partner, starting a family,having a career, traveling - something! I am at the age where everyone I know is getting themselves figured out, finding out where they want to be or go. I sit here in my apartment, with such little stimulation for my brain that I seriously think I am losing brain cells at an alarming rate!

Anyway, that's a little bit. I'm afraid I didn't really explain it all that well - I just made myself sound like a neurotic (more so) lady that patrols supermarkets. There is so much more to all of this I just am not good with putting stuff out there. I'm better at answering questions.

As far as treatment. I had a psychologist for 6 years. She was a wonderful woman but she kept me on as a client 2 years after her retirement so my psychiatrist suggested I let her retire. lol

I have had my psychiatrist for either 7 or 9 years (can't remember - doh! See there go those brain cells) He is a great guy as well. He has referred me to groups, the therapist there tells him I won't do well in that group. I asked him to refer me to a place that helps people like me get work but with full disclosure (employer knows of my issues) they sent me back saying I wasn't ready for work, my psychiatrist got me hooked up with a worker to help me with exposure therapy. After I finally got comfortable with that girl she left on mat leave. Agreed to try another girl - she quit her job... I ask my psychiatrist for some other group or something/anything and the poor guy is so over worked he has no idea who I am by the next time I see him. I could go on and on and on no exaggeration.

I have pushed myself to keep asking for help because I know the longer I am secluded like this the worse off I become (and I know I am getting worse) but after being passed on from one place to the next it gets kind of hard to have any sense of hope, when even the professionals have no idea what to do with you.

So here I am. I want so,so much to be "normal" but I have come to the conclusion that obviously I am quite the complex freak that no one knows what to do with so I have resigned to existing in my apartment.

Now, I am going to post this and stress over it. Who's read it. Who's laughing at me. Did I offend anyone. Did it make sense. blah,blah,blah :bonk:

Okay....here goes...

 

[NicNak]

I will assure you, that no one is lauging at you, and you have not offended anyone with this post. :support:

I really related to this

so sometimes I find it hard to figure out where one ends and the other begins.

Sometimes I don't understand this about myself either.

You should be proud of yourself! You have put great efforts forth to seek help and to get treatments and such. That in itself is very difficult.

I am not a professional, but this I find a bit concerning.

I ask my psychiatrist for some other group or something/anything and the poor guy is so over worked he has no idea who I am by the next time I see him.

If this happened with my Psychiatrist, I would find it off setting. Maybe raising this concern with your Psychiatrist might be helpful?

I am glad you shared your story with us. :support: and as I said, no one here will judge you on it, trust me

 

[Jazzey]

I am suppose to be out there finding a partner, starting a family,having a career, traveling-something!

Who says that there's a time limit? I'm pushing forty and I'm ok with just enjoying the journey STP.

Who's read it. Who's laughing at me. Did I offend anyone. Did it make sense.

I've read it. I'm not laughing at you. Nothing is offensive about this post and yes, the post made sense. If anything, I'm really impressed with how open you are - I don't see anything weird about this post or you.

But I do have a few questions. Was it a conscious decision to let go of the friends around you? If so, why?

I don't have avPD, so please forgive my ignorance. Is it just the fear of being around people and being judged? Even with loved ones?

Thanks for posting this STP. And I do hope that you find some real solutions really soon.

 

[Into The Light]

there is nothing in your post that would make anyone laugh at you or be offended with you. if anything my heart goes out to you.

one thing that i do know indeed is that isolation only gets worse if you don't do something about it. having suffered from major depression i can relate to withdrawing from people and it being difficult to break through that isolation. at least a forum like this is a start, you are connecting with others even if it's virtual.

 

[Andy]

Thank you NicNak. I appreciate that you took the time to read that as it was rather long. Thank you for the kind words.

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Hi Jazzey Thanks for reading and for your kind words.

You asked me some questions! This is good. I can answer questions. I think...

"Who says that there's a time limit? I'm pushing forty and I'm ok with just enjoying the journey STP".

I agree with that 100%. Enjoy the journey for sure.
The only thing with that for me is that very little journey's happen to pass through my apartment. I'm assuming you have a family (correct me if I am wrong). These things take time. I mean if I were to meet some one and go that route I don't plan on dating him for a couple weeks and then having his child (god I hope not anyway! Not that there is anything wrong with that). I don't mean that to sound rude, I'm just trying to explain.

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's always good to be reassured that I'm not as weird as I think I am

"But I do have a few questions. Was it a conscious decision to let go of the friends around you? If so, why?"

Friends would phone and ask me to go out but it was always to drink. I would go. I did way to much partying probably up until about 7 years ago. Anyway, I use to be able to handle it with all my meds but it slowly got worse and now I am ok with once in awhile but that's it. All my friends live in my home town (I live in the city) so when they go out they usually make it a good one. The only time my friends go out is to blow off steam and drink after work so after me saying no so many times, eventually they stop calling. The other friends are all doing couple type things and starting families.

"I don't have avPD, so please forgive my ignorance. Is it just the fear of being around people and being judged? Even with loved ones?"

It's partly that. Plus I can sort of feel how others feel (that makes no sense) and turn everything around on myself to the point that anything I do,say,breathe makes me cautious that it's bothering the other person. Bagh. I'm sorry I really can't describe it. I think I saw a thread here that gives off the actual symptoms and characteristics.
It's not just the fear of people though.


So it turns out I am not good at answering questions either. I appreciate the reply though Jazzey. Thank you

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Thank you Into The Light,
Yes I agree about the isolation. That's why I am so desperate and panicky to get something going. A little socialization at least once a week. I feel like I am so close to losing that last smidgen of drive to helping myself.

Anyway, I feel like I came onto this site and for someone who was so apprehensive sure babbled on. This isn't even the half of it either. lol

Thank you so much for reading and your kind words as well.

 

[piper240]

I am sure not laughing at you and really responded to your post. You sound like a person wanting very much to improve your life.

Maybe it isn't too surprising that you find many people who understand what you are saying and say they have those feelings too. It seems to me that part of being human is we all have good feelings and bad. When we seek help, formally or informally, it is because some of the bad feelings have gained too much power and need to be managed better, and at the same time we need to reach down and find the positive, constructive feelings again.

Think it is time to get out of that apartment, without waiting for someone to invite you out. What do you like? Animals? Kids? The elderly? Could you reach out to help someone else, perhaps not face to face at this point, but by cleaning up gardens for the elderly this spring, help at the animal shelter, sign up with a boys/girls club to clean up playgrounds before summer approaches, etc. It's great medicine and you often meet other interesting and productive people along the way!

All the best to you!

 

[white page]

Hi STP

Thank you so very much for your very valuable post, which made perfect sense , it is very important for all of us to understand better how you feel and the type of distress you experience , though not suffering from your disorder I can relate to parts of it , Have you thought about group therapy ?,
this would help you to resocialize to a certain extent , or is the thought of being in a group too difficult for you to cope with at the moment . ?

my best wishes wp

 

[Andy]

Thanks for the reply Piper.

I agree that many people do have similar feelings and they may be able to relate to what I am saying to a degree. On the other hand I have not found anyone who understands the actual degree to where I am at. I am not saying "oh woe is me, I am the only one with problems" I am just saying that I think when I explain my situation to people, they do not grasp my situation.

I did some volunteering at a cat shelter (irony: thoughts of the hermit cat lady come to mind) which I didn't mind. Until the turnover of volunteers started to get a little to much.

With that being said-If I could just go out and do all the stuff you suggested just like that, I would be out there with a job.

That is why I asked and for help. I am not waiting from someone to invite me out, I am trying to get someone to help me out. I am beyond the point where I can just choose to make myself slowly get comfortable with a situation. This is what I mean about not understanding. This reminds me of people telling me to "just eat" when I was really sick. I would love to be able to do what you suggested, I really would. It's just not as simple as that in my eyes.

I am sorry if this came off rude or obnoxious. I really appreciate your support and suggestions, I am just really frustrated because I already feel alone in this and having to explain it-not just to you but others makes me feel even more so.

I hope I didn't offend you with my reply to your comment.

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Thanks for your reply White Page,

I wrote in a post below about group therapy. Basically,the therapists told my psychiatrist that they thought group therapy would do more harm than good. My psychiatrist was suppose to look into other groups but I have to remind him every time and by the time I see him a month later it's the same thing.

Anyway, thanks for your reply. I appreciate it.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Some resources that may be of interest:

Psychology Today's Diagnosis Dictionary: Avoidant Personality Disorder

Avoidant Personality Disorder: Overview - eMedicine Psychiatry

Personality Disorders: Mental Health Disorders: Merck Manual Home Edition

Psych Central: Avoidant Personality Disorder Treatment

 

[jay-o]

I know that you were looking for people diagnosed with AvPD, but I am quite confident that this is a disorder I have. I read about it for the first time about 10 years ago and it wasn't a case of me feeling similar to some of the DSM-IV criteria, it was like reading my life story.

This is just a theory of mine, but I think finding people actually diagnosed with AvPD is likely at a much smaller ratio then it would be for other personality disorders because of the intrinsic behaviour that they exhibit. After all, it is called avoidant for a reason And people can live very normal, functioning lives while writing off their inner turmoil as introversion or even emotional immaturity. With other personality disorders, there are more demonstrable behaviours that appear abnormal like wildly erratic moods, self destructive actions, or a capability to harm others adversely. So we are a silent bunch and that fails to bring attention to the problem in many cases.

I won't go into my life story here. However, one thing that has always resonated with me was a suggestion I read about coping with the disorder. Like all others, chances are it will always be a part of you regardless of how much therapy and medication you go through. The key is to get to that point where you don't classify yourself as someone with Avoidant Personality Disorder, you are able to see yourself as having an Avoidant Personality style. For example, you don't beat yourself up from not attending a social function, you recognize that you would not have enjoyed it and are comfortable with your decision not to go. To feel OK with being alone instead of feeling like a failure. Now naturally, you cannot be an island and need to participate socially for emotional and professional reasons. Takes a while to become functional in these areas, especially when you are in a socially retreating mode as you said that you are now.

I was lucky, I think. At one point in time, I never went out - didn't work, go to school or hang out with my friends. Picking up the phone to call anyone was an impossibility as I obsessed over all the different scenarios of conversation, and most of the time I couldn't even finish dialing all the numbers before hanging up - heart pounding and mentally feeling weak and worthless. Eventually, I got work, started going out more, and felt more comfortable with people around. Found new friends, got married (and divorced, oops), had a child, etc. But to this day, in spite of being intelligent, personable, funny and athletic, I still have feelings of social ineptitude and a need to be 'perfect' as much as possible. But I know why and it allows me to cope - most of the time.

I did participate in an online forum years ago with people that had AvPD. It was very eye opening to get to know the stories of all these wonderful, creative, intelligent, and empathetic people. Makes you wonder if all these traits were a cause or a result of the condition.

People do like you...they really do. Hard to believe right now, it takes time to get that idea in your head, even if it is only some of the time...

 

[Andy]

Thanks for your reply.

I know that you were looking for people diagnosed with AvPD, but I am quite confident that this is a disorder I have.

When I said I was looking for people who were actually diagnosed I was referring more to the fact that anywhere I went to find someone I could relate to it was people (I think mostly young people) who were self diagnosing themselves with everything (one of my pet peeves-you don't self diagnose yourself with cancer then go tell everyone you have cancer-seems silly). Anyway, I am aware that most people with AvPD rarely seek help. That is another reason I am looking for someone who is diagnosed so I can relate to them treatment wise etc...

I won't go into my life story here. However, one thing that has always resonated with me was a suggestion I read about coping with the disorder. Like all others, chances are it will always be a part of you regardless of how much therapy and medication you go through. The key is to get to that point where you don't classify yourself as someone with Avoidant Personality Disorder, you are able to see yourself as having an Avoidant Personality style. For example, you don't beat yourself up from not attending a social function, you recognize that you would not have enjoyed it and are comfortable with your decision not to go. To feel OK with being alone instead of feeling like a failure. Now naturally, you cannot be an island and need to participate socially for emotional and professional reasons. Takes a while to become functional in these areas, especially when you are in a socially retreating mode as you said that you are now.

I see what your saying. I don't consider myself someone with AvPD. I know it's part of my personality. I know everyone has all these different traits to their personality. Avoidant for me is just at the more severe side of the spectrum. I am or I was fairly confident in getting myself back out in the world. I am not in retreating mode. I have completely retreated.

I am glad for you that you were able to over come all that you have and continue to have an enriched life. That is really great. I am glad you are able to cope.

Anyway, I do appreciate the reply I really do. I hope I didn't come off to standoffish. It's not you, it's me (lol-no but really) I just don't feel like anyone actually grasps where I am coming from. My own frustrations-that I just can't seem to communicate at all. :nah:

 

[jay-o]

Anyway, I do appreciate the reply I really do. I hope I didn't come off to standoffish. It's not you, it's me (lol-no but really) I just don't feel like anyone actually grasps where I am coming from. My own frustrations-that I just can't seem to communicate at all. :nah:

I'd like to think that I do understand...it is hard to convey a feeling that has no "term", and I'm not very good at that myself. No one seems to get me either, but there's always small idiosyncrasies between the most similar of people.

To this day, the thing that bugs me the most is when anyone tells me that, "things will get better" or, "you'll meet someone one day" or the worst being, "you just have to get out there and do it!". I know all that. And everyday I think about trying to change for the better but it's too hard and tomorrow is another day. I haven't sorted everything out, things are just better than they once were and probably starting to regress back there, to that point I promised I'd never be again. It's always a constant battle.

I don't know, I could be wrong...you seem to be at a stage where you need to get out from where you are, but have difficulty believing that anyone can help you. Is that a fair assessment?

 

[Andy]

I'd like to think that I do understand...it is hard to convey a feeling that has no "term", and I'm not very good at that myself. No one seems to get me either, but there's always small idiosyncrasies between the most similar of people.

To this day, the thing that bugs me the most is when anyone tells me that, "things will get better" or, "you'll meet someone one day" or the worst being, "you just have to get out there and do it!". I know all that. And everyday I think about trying to change for the better but it's too hard and tomorrow is another day. I haven't sorted everything out, things are just better than they once were and probably starting to regress back there, to that point I promised I'd never be again. It's always a constant battle.

I don't know, I could be wrong...you seem to be at a stage where you need to get out from where you are, but have difficulty believing that anyone can help you. Is that a fair assessment?

Hey,
I'm sure you do understand. I wasn't suggesting that you know nothing about anything I am saying or anything like that. I just mean that I don't think a lot of people grasp just where "I" am at and I don't mean that like (oh boo)I am the worst off anyone has ever been. Hopefully you get what I meant there.

I hate hearing all those "platitudes" that you mentioned to. In fact that is all I hear anymore because no one knows what else to say to me and not only that, I mean I understand-what do you say, "yup your pretty much hooped".
I understand people not knowing what to say and I would much prefer hearing "ya know, I just don't know what to say" then to hear something like you said above "Just get out there and do it". Actually even the "Yup your pretty much hooped" would be honest and less patronizing.

Your assessment is fair but I think maybe you missed part of my original post. I have been pushing for all kinds of help for a long time. It's not for lack of trying. All I seem to get is the run around, sent from one place to be told that they can't help me so they send me some where else where I am told I don't fit for their program, I get sent back to my Dr. who sends me some where else and they say there group would make me worse...around, and around. I try to go back to work and I'm told that I shouldn't be working. Sooo, I guess you are right, I am at a stage where I am having difficulty believing anyone can help me.

I don't know what else to say about it really. My Dr. tells me I am his "best patient" because I am compliant with meds and everything he suggests. Yay me! I'm actually good at something-I'm a good patient!:wow: When you do everything you can and should be doing and still come to a dead end with PROFESSIONALS supposedly helping you. I think it's time to come to that conclusion that some things just can't be helped. That's not a pity statement, er I don't mean it to be. I'm just speaking honestly.

So, what about you? You said at one point in time you didn't go out,work,socialize,all that. How long did that last for you and how did you get back on track (somewhat)? lol I like how you said (divorced ooops) I mean it's not funny but it seems nowadays staying married is more shocking than divorcing eh? Is your child grown? You don't have to answer anything. Just making conversation back...:dimples:

 

[chell]

l was just reading over some of the posts here and l have not been on for awhile, but l suffered from Ptsd, social anxiety, panic attacks and avoidant personality disorder and often shut myself off to people and stay in the house as l do/have done for many years. l get panic attacks just going outside.

My safety net is staying in the house where l feel safest. l do not like to talk to strangers on the phone because that will bring on a panic attack and sometimes just talking to my own family will bring on panic attacks also.
My Mom is 78 now and my sister just moved to Nova Scotia so l am left to care for my Mom when she needs help and that is really causing alot of anxiety for me now just thinking of it because she is so hard to get along with at times and it is getting worse as time goes on.

l take medication for it but nothing seems to really help. For my depression, l have been switched numerous times to different medications to see which ones will help me and the Dr. said we are at the last of the medications now, so she increased this last medication up just a bit to see if that would help.

My Psychiatrist said that treating a personality disorder is harder to treat then bi polar disorder which suprised me.

l had to constantly keep asking which personality disorder l had because no one was telling me and it was quite frustrating that my Therapist knew, the Dr. knew, as well as the Psychiatrist and anytime l asked they changed what they were talking about.

l honestly don't find the Therapy is helping me at all. lt seems like we are going in a circle each week and often l can feel myself relaxing, ready to doze off and in fact one time, l did start falling asleep and the Therapist had to call my name to get my attention.

He is a yound man and it is probably his first year working so l try to work along with him but he is not giving me the answers l need and instead talks to me as though l can't understand what is being said to me. l used to be a Nurse as l kept reminding him.

Anyways, your post encouraged me to write on here today and l feel less alone, so Thank You for telling your story. Chell