Did my ex have cyclothymia or bipolar disorder?

[Emotions_Blocked]

Hello people.

I am not quite sure where to post this, but i want to share my experience and read your comments on my most recent relationship with a (Nordic) woman.

I had heard that Nordic people face a lot of psychological problems before i met her, but of course i wasn't preoccupied with that. Even more when i fell totally in love with her.

Our relationship started wonderfully, and feelings built up really quickly. We said ''i love you'' within 2 weeks or even less, and we quickly made plans for living together, even made "jokes" about marriage and kids! I thought she was the ONE.

We talked a lot of course, although the nordic people are not so outgoing, and at the beginning of the relationship, she admitted she didn't like herself at all, she thought she was fat, (ok she may had some pounds, but she was a REALLY BEAUTIFUL woman), she was afraid that her sexuality had issues etc etc. (she said she hadn't ever reached orgasm with guys.) I asked her if she had a lot of dates, and she said yes, i have, but "it's not the men i want"........... I was a little shocked by that but didnt analyze it too much in my head. It was too soon to jump into conclusions and her behaviour was normal UNTIL THEN.

Some days after, the first incident occured. Out of the blue, at a normal day, when we went for our 3rd or 4th date, while we were driving to the cafeteria, she went mad. She was angry and frustrated. For a daily minor reason. She just found a small problem and built it up to a major crisis!
I didn't speak. I was wondering, what the **** is going on!!
After that she told me "i'm sorry..i express my negative feelings but not my positive ones"... "i wanted to say something to you for a long time"...and i said.."i'm in love with you"..and she said it back...And there we go, things went good. Later she blamed the PILL for her crisis. Next day after, she reached orgasm with me. We were both so happy. She thought,and i believed her, that it's because we loved each other that it happened. I was falling MADLY IN LOVE with this perfect scenario.

BUT these temper attacks, became more and more often. Tantrums. I was irritated, annoyed. How could two people in love, within 1 month have those. Something didn't fit. Did i do something wrong? And her self-disgust seemed to GROW day by day! She described what she felt as SELF-LOATHING. She called herself STUPID,RETARD,UGLY,FAT,A WHALE,LOSER.. I tried to communicate with her. I tried to see whats wrong. I tried to ask her what's the problem. Do i do something. She said no no. Is it the pills? is it the quit smoking? She was getting more irritated when i tried to analyze so i just tried to shut up and be patient.

Later she admitted (and i saw that in person) that she had a bad relationship with her mother. Her mother seemed to expect her to be PERFECT all the time. Her parents were divorced 5 years ago and her dad was an alcoholist. Other thing she said is that although she had MANY MANY dates and Ex's she didn't have but ONE relationship that lasted something like 8 months (with a break).

Those incidents kept going.One day she could be a HAPPY SMILING wonderful woman, and the next one a bad-tempered woman who started talking with no respect and losing it even more and more. (these bad days were getting more frequent) She told me when you see me like that just don't say nothing to me, leave me, and it will go away. I did it, but by then i was DEEPLY worried about her. And i was feeling "abused" by her behaviour. Sometimes i went mad, sometimes i cried. I wondered if I should show and express more my love to her. I showed and i showed more feelings and i wanted to be with her constantly so that she felt secure, but surprise!: She felt pressured and wanted to spend some time by herself. When she was alone she again said that she couldn't sleep. She was kindda afraid.

Other thing she admitted was that she was depressed before she met me. She couldn't sleep , or slept like 4-5 hours max. She said that when she met me she was doing fine!!!! That made me feel good of course. But i suppose now that this just covered her problem for a while...

I decided not to continue my relationship with this woman, because continuing the relationship would involve maybe a country-change for me. I felt she wasn't the right person for me because she had a lot of issues to work on. of course i have also issues to work on but i felt more ready than her about those.

I am deeply depressed about our breakup. I can't get over it easily. I must admit, i have thoughts that hold me back. I am saying to myself "what if she was the one for you, maybe you should try more.Risk more things and help her".But then again i see that i'm fooling myself. At the end of the relationship she also said that "things are not as they were in the beginning" implying that she wasn't that much in love. Well, i thought, that's a bit normal, after 3 months, things are not so "hot" anymore. Maybe that and her psychological condition held me back from migrating for her sake.

We spoke recently and tried to show her what she did. She said yes i need to work on that but told me "Well, now that i think about it, when someone deeply truly loves me for what I AM, then i am able to feel better about myself and move on with my personality". She kindda blamed me for her problems.

I feel that she is searching through self-reassurance from her relationships. Is this a reasonable thought to make? Do we make a relationship , expecting that our partner will be our... therapist..nurse...doctor? Do we DRAIN love from him to cover our fears and self-esteem problems?

Tell me what you think. Sorry about my long long post.

 

[Lana]

Re: Had my EX CYCLOTHIMIA/B.P.Disorder? *guilt*

Hi EB;

I am sorry to hear about your breakup. I know many of us here can empathise with you. I think it's admirable that you tried to work things out with her. Unfortunately, when it comes to issues that she seems to be trying to come to terms with, the work is hers to do, not anyone elses.

I think her reactions seem more out of fear, insecurity, poor self-image and self-esteem, and fear of rejection. Sadly, I don't think her problems are unique or isolated. Our society has changed much in the last decades and our media feeds on fears and insecurities of the masses. I, myself, did simiar things when I met my husband. Lucky for me he wethered the storm and helped me stop [most of] my destructive behaviors. The rest, I had to work through with a therapist.

It is difficult to say what drives the woman that you love to behave the way she does. Many things can come into play here and the best person to help her work through it all is a qualified therapist. BUT...and it's a big "BUT"...she has to want to do it because, as I've said before, she'll have to do all the work when working with a therapist. That work can open a can of worms and feel absolutely heartbreaking and heartwrenching...so a committment on her part to herself is imperative. This is not for you, not for her therapist, not for her friends or family. This must be for her, by her.

Can you love a person like that and come out ok on the other end of it all? Sure. But again, it takes a lot of work on both sides, with help, and committment, for all parties involved. I would think that it would involve individual and couple therapy. Whether you should pursue this further....as cliche as it sounds, that decision is entirely up to the two of you.

 

[Emotions_Blocked]

Re: Had my EX CYCLOTHIMIA/B.P.Disorder? *guilt*

Unfortunately we didnt have the time in 3 months to speak openly about what should be done....

I was worried though by two things i read! first is your signature and the other one a second quote from Sam Keen.

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

Good men and good women have fire in the belly. We are fierce. Don't mess with us if you are looking for somebody who will always be "nice" to you. ("Nice" gets you a C+ in life.) We don't always smile, talk in a soft voice, or engage in indiscriminate hugs. In the loving struggle between the sexes we thrust and parry.

I don't know. I'm afraid i won't be able to move on cause i ll keep stuffing myself with guilts.


I'm really happy you managed to move on with your husband!!!

if i posted my problems about the relationship a bit earlier here, maybe i would have made more correct moves.... tooooo late

 

[Lana]

Re: Had my EX CYCLOTHIMIA/B.P.Disorder? *guilt*

While you may not be able to continue your realtionship with your lady, it seems to me that you could use a bit of work on your relationship with yourself and how to let go of the guilt. You can't save others from themselves, but you can use your own examples and work on yourself.

When it comes to other people, here's a quote from a book "P.S. I love you" compiled by H. Jackson Brown Jr. (1990)

P.S. I know how upset you are with [insert name here]. But when you remember how hard it is to change yourself, you begin to understand what little chance we have of changing others. I love you, Mom.

There will be other relationships, don't loose the lessons you have before you from this relationship.

P.S. Here's a link to the book if anyone's interested...it has a collection of P.S.'s that are filled with wisdom, insight, humor, and love: http://www.amazon.ca/dp/1558530711/?tag=psychlinks04-20

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I had heard that Nordic people face a lot of psychological problems before i met her

I don't know where you heard this but I am not aware of any evidence to suggest that Nordic people are any more prone to mental health issues or any other problems than people of other nationalities or ethinc origins.

 

[Emotions_Blocked]

I am sorry. I dont want to insult the nations there by any means! I just know that statistics say that suicide rate is really high, i know that many people suffer from SAD, and i have talked with friends pharmacists having experiences from abroad and they've mentioned high consumption of antidepressants... (maybe that's connected to the environmental factor, heavy winter, not much sunshine for months and months, i dont quite know..)