Disorder or addiction?

[healthbound]

Hi HB Shadow and welcome to psychlinks.

I'm so glad you decided to post about this. I related to what you wrote in your comments and know how difficult (but also somewhat freeing) it can be to acknowledge our thoughts, feelings and behaviors surrounding food. I'm glad you did

I was talking to a friend the other day about how challenging issues with food are. I likened it to a heroin addict who was trying to quit abusing the drug, but every time they turned on the TV, listened to the radio, went out with friends, flipped through a magazine or simply walked down the street they were bombarded with multiple advertisements designed to convince the addict to consume. Buy this version, try using it like this, combine it with that, make it a new way, get it 1/2 price.

Every where we go there are huge glossy images, blinking lights, detailed descriptions and scenes insinuating consumption of certain products will make us a better cook, bring us happiness, security, a new love or whatever.

So ...there's that part. But what if the heroin addict couldn't escape just the advertising, but also couldn't escape using the drug itself? Like, what if the addict HAD TO keep several needles with him/her at all times, but could ONLY inject a small portion from the syringe --- multiple times per day. How many times would they slip up and just inject the whole thing? How hard would they have to fight themselves to not give into the advertising etc?

Almost seems impossible. I know heroine and food are not the same. But the thoughts, feelings and even some behaviors are pretty darned similar.

Lately I've really been trying to be less judgmental towards myself. The guilt and shame contribute to my over eating. So if I can diminish my self loathing even just a bit, maybe I can diminish numbing or punishing myself with food too. I find it helpful to remind myself that my challenges are not ALL to do with my seeming lack of control or self discipline. There are many factors contributing to this problem. And when other people talk about, I realize I'm also not alone.

So, thanks for writing. I think it's really good we're talking about it even though it's really difficult. I hope you stick around and write more

 

[healthbound]

Well, I'm back on my gerbil wheel and right back in to the throes of food addiction (funny how I never made the connection between a gerbil wheel and my avatar until now, hehe).

I don't know if it's food addiction - but you know what I mean - eating food or quantities I don't want to be eating. I'm having major disagreements with myself again. Sadly, the part that wants to eat the crap keeps winning. It doesn't always win...but it's sure as heck been winning a lot lately.

I know what I have to do and it's seemingly simple. But, man is it ever difficult sometimes. It's like my mind waits for the healthier part to doze off and then the unhealthy part attacks with no mercy "eat this, eat that, one won't hurt, you can start again tomorrow" blah blah blah.

As I've ranted about before I think the tricky thing about managing food in particular is that it is constantly being advertised, talked about and ingested.

It will be a great day when I finally feel okay about living life without some form of buffer. In the past I've used drugs, then alcohol, then self harm, then school, then work, then spending and now food. Anything to attempt to keep my emotions or thoughts at bay when I think they're getting too out of hand.

But staying conscious, grounded, present, in reality (or how ever you wanna describe it) is challenging. Enduring reality seems to be something I need to practice over and over again. It's not a one time thing I could simply declare, "Hear ye, hear ye! I am announcing that from this date forward, I will endure reality, without ever using any kind of escapism again. Especially of the food types". Well, at least it hasn't been like that for me.

It's more like my fibromyalgia. The challenges are ongoing; they are chronic. So, I suppose it makes sense that the best way to deal with reality, food, fibro (whatever) would also need to be ongoing.

I keep thinking I should just be able to make a decision to stop eating for comfort and then never eat like that again. I mean, that's what i did with drugs, alcohol and other coping mechanisms. And it worked. But food is different. it's different because I'm forced to create some sort of ongoing relationship with it. So how I deal with it needs to be different too.

Hm. Maybe I can let go of the guilt since it's probably somewhat "normal" to be back on the wheel again. Why am I demanding perfect abstinence of myself? That's impossible, isn't it?

OK, so say I assume perfect abstinence is impossible. Say I let go of the guilt (heheh... I feel better already). Say, that instead of sprinting on the wheel I've slowed my pace to a brisk walk. And since I can slow my pace to a brisk walk, I'm going to assume I can probably jump right off the darned thing. At least I'll be able to utilize my steps to actually take me somewhere instead of just going round and round and round and round...

I can start again right now. I can start again this moment.

Well. I'm glad we've had this talk.
I feel much better and can head to bed now.
G'nite, lol.

 

[forgetmenot]

I like this post Healthbound yep food is a comfort measure and now what i do is to buy only good stuff at the store. No more junk food. Fruits galore, yogourt vegetable and try to get comfort from these food. Perfect abstinence your right impossible but then everyone needs to treat themself but not too often willpower so hard to keep. I just enjoyed reading this post Healthbound thanks mary

 

[HBShadow]

Do you find that it is harder to resist the urge to eat when you get less sleep? I know the "research" says this is the case - but do you actually find this to be true?

 

[forgetmenot]

Actually when i am tired i eat less i loose interest in most things even food.

 

[healthbound]

Hey guys,
Thanks for the replies

HBShadow - I do find I eat more when I'm tired. That could be one of the reasons I eat more at night. I also have fibromyalgia and so I'm tired during the days often. I eat sugary foods to help give me energy -which they do- but only in the short term. Then I crash and get into a cycle of eating more to keep my energy up. That's the cycle I'm in now.

I know I need to get off the sugar again. My energy levels become much more consistent when I'm not eating sugar. I just need to allocate 3-5 days to allow myself to feel tired and irritable so I can get off it.

What about you? Do you eat more when you're tired?

 

[HBShadow]

What about you? Do you eat more when you're tired?

I think I eat more during the day to try to wake myself up/give me energy like you do (It doesn't work though - I think sleep would be more effective!). But I do think being tired makes me dive more into the carbs at night than I otherwise would.

 

[healthbound]

I think I eat more during the day to try to wake myself up/give me energy like you do (It doesn't work though - I think sleep would be more effective!). But I do think being tired makes me dive more into the carbs at night than I otherwise would.

Totally. Plus, it's a never ending cycle since when I eat sugar and refined carbs, I find it more difficult to sleep.

I'm on day 3 of no sugar again (except fruit) and I'm feeling pretty good. I think the anticipation of stopping sugar and over eating is harder than actually doing it. I think it also helps that the sun is out which makes exercising easier.

I seem to really phase in and out of my challenges with food. I feel like I'm kind of in two different states of being between the two. And when I'm in each state, I can't seem to access what it's like being in the other.

When I'm eating healthy, I forget what it's like feeling so crumby when I eat sugar, so it makes it easier to con myself into having "just one piece of cake". I seem to forget that my body will want more and more and more and I will get sicker and sicker and sicker.

When I'm eating crappy, I forget how good I feel when I'm eating well. I have no recollection of being able to sleep better, or being able to think clearer.

What seems to tip me off first is the weight gain, lol.

Oh well. I'm trying again

 

[pb lover]

Hi HB,

I have been struggling with issues around eating (mostly binge eating, sometimes purging) for a few years now. I just googled "eating disorder self help forums" and this thread was the first one that caught my eye.

I asked myself that same question about 20 mins ago as I was pacing around my kitchen opening cupboards and the fridge and eating various other foods other than my binge food (peanut butter, if you didn't guess from my name) which I have purposely not had in the house for a week or so.

There I was eating various other (probably MORE unhealthy) foods and nothing was satisfying me because all I wanted was peanut butter, and of course there wasn't any in my house. All I could think was "this feels like an addiction! I'm not even hungry. I don't want chocolate pudding or cookies or yogurt or popcorn. I just want peanut butter and I want it now!"

It certainly feels like an addiction, the same way people describe being addicted to a drug. Almost like you'd do anything to get it. But I know it is more than that.

I identified with almost everything you said in your earlier posts...eating until you feel uncomfortable and awful - physically, emotionally, mentally...and then going to sleep (because I always do it late at night) and waking up the next morning feeling even more awful about myself, either because I overate so much or I purged, which is just as bad for me. So not only does binge eating ruin my night, it ruins the following day too. I spend the whole next day feeling guilty and depressed and bad about myself, vow to never do it again, and then of course the negative emotions drive me to do the very same thing that night (or the next, if I manage to control myself for a day).

Anyways, although I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone, I feel better knowing that there are others out there feeling the same things as me, who are struggling with similar issues around food.

I think the hard part about binge eating/bulimia is that it's embarrassing to admit to others. Everyone else seems to be able to go about their day, eat normal meals, stop when they're full and maybe have a slice of cake as a treat once in a while. So having constant thoughts about eating, what you're going to eat next, when you're going to eat next, and the fact that you can't seem to stop once you start...is very hard to admit to others. It certainly feels like a character flaw. Where is my self discipline? Why can't I just tell myself "no, don't open the cupboard" and just walk away from the kitchen? I KNOW I have self control, but when it comes to binge eating, the thought of eating the food is so powerful that my willpower just seems to disappear.

The worst part is, I have a psychology degree. I know all about self esteem and emotionally driven behaviours, and behaviour modification theories and mental illness. To top it off, I am now starting a Masters degree in Health Studies, focusing on health promotion and nutrition. I feel like the biggest hypocrite out there, since I can't seem to practice what I preach.

Anyways sorry this was a very long post...I think I just needed to put it down on paper. If anyone out there has any words of wisdom in terms of getting out of this vicious cycle...let me know!

 

[Retired]

:welcome2: to Psychlinks PB Lover.

Some of our members will likely have some insights to share.

Hope you enjoy the Forum.

 

[healthbound]

pb...

Sorry it took me so long to reply. I hope you come back

I appreciated your post. I don't know about you, but I often feel very isolated when it comes to disordered eating. I deny and hide my thoughts, feelings and behaviors around food.

It is good we are writing about it.

I still feel powerless or out of control with eating. Not all the time, but most of the time. Especially when I eat sugar or highly processed white foods. My body responds in an addicted way. It seems so complex. Psychological, emotional, behavioral and physiological. It's a doozie.

One of the most difficult things I experience is talking about it. I find it more difficult to talk about than depression or abuse or suicide or divorce or whatever. It might be because my eating behaviors are MINE whereas those other things are things that have happened TO me. I don't know. I just know the guilt, shame and disgust can be overwhelming at times.

But if we don't talk about it, it's harder to acknowledge. And that makes it almost impossible to deal with. And I definitely want to deal with it. I can't stand it anymore.

Your post is very timely. This is THE current issue for me. In fact, I remembered getting the e-mail notification tonight after having a bit of a "breakdown". If you didn't post, I might not have thought to come here. So thank you

I've been talking about binging to my therapist for a little while now. But even during those discussions, I don't talk about all of it. I'm getting better (slowly), but still feel so much shame, guilt and disgust that I can't even get words out.

I remember writing in this thread and really challenging myself to be truthful about it. I remember feeling a mix of fear and relief. I felt relief because it was so good to get some of it out...to call a spade a spade. To admit it.

Tonight in particular, I feel like I have come to a point where I just can't take it anymore. I can't stand my lack of control with the binges. It's brutal and I can't take it anymore.

Coincidentally (and thankfully) I've got a Dr's appointment this week with an internist I've been seeing every 3 months. I know he will ask me about my progress in this area. He and my therapist are the only 2 I've really spoken to about it. Maybe he can refer me to an outpatient group or something that is specific to EDs. My therapy is going good but I wonder if something specific to ED's would be appropriate. I just feel like I can't take it anymore (just to be clear, I'm not suicidal...I'm just at the end of my rope with making multiple attempts to "control it" but constantly failing and seemingly becoming more and more OUT of control...Grrrrrrrrr!)

So...as you can tell, I also relate to what you wrote. And as you mentioned, I found it somewhat relieving just knowing that someone else out there knows what I'm talking about.

I also applaud you talking about your mixed feelings due to your psych education.
Having your own challenges can make you much more effective. Theory, books and essays are one thing, but first hand experience is quite another. You will a much deeper understanding of those struggling with similar issues.

Thanks again for posting, pb. I hope to hear from you again.