Disturbing Intrusive Thoughts

[HotthenCold]

Hi there,

I need to talk about something I've never really told anyone.

I often have disturbing, violent thoughts. I know that many people have these thoughts and are disturbed by them, and also that often they feel they can't control these thoughts. I am one of those people.

I have learned to try and dissociate from the thoughts, do deep breathing, ground myself and also to think of positive, loving, and sometimes really mundane or lighthearted things to put my mind elsewhere. However there is still a discomforting amount of worry that there is something twisted inside me.

For example I don't like standing to close to the edge of the train platform for fear that I would suddenly jump in front of it, or worse, push someone else without thinking. I really worry that my mind is somehow predisposed to "snap" and one day act on these things. Also, it's not just things I worry I would actually do, or have done to me, but just bizarre things that could happen to anything that is vulnerable.

Since I can remember I've felt like there was a part of my brain that would think of the worst most inappropriate and bizarre/violent/sexual thing in any interaction with other people no matter how much I didn't want to. As if my gene's somehow make my mind unable to accept limits. I've accepted that I'm strange long ago, but even with the confidence that my wierdness is often a strength, it scares the crap out of me when I think of these things.

I hate talking about these things because people automatically assume your a suspect to be the next mass murderer or serial killer, but I don't feel like a bad person. I feel bad when I kill a spider.

Is this common? what is it called? It's been causing me a lot of anxiety and I don't trust my self.

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: Distrubing Thoughts

BTW: Psychology Today: Forbidden Thinking

 

[Retired]

Re: Disturbing Thoughts

I believe the kind of thinking you describe is referred to as "intrusive thoughts:

Some people may experience "pure obsessional OCD" in which they report experiencing obsessions without observable compulsions.

These obsessions often manifest as thoughts, impulses or "mental images" of committing an act they consider to be harmful, violent, immoral, sexually inappropriate, or sacrilegious.

For individuals with pure obsessional OCD, these thoughts can be frightening and torturous precisely because they are so antithetical to their values and beliefs.

I don't think if you discussed these thoughts with your doctor or therapist that the therapist or doctor would be shocked.

The kind of thought pattern is not at all bizarre or unusual, according to my understanding, and is indeed treatable.

There is a long way between intrusive thoughts and acting on these thoughts.

We often feel that the thoughts, feelings and behaviours we experience are unique and no one else in the world has ever experienced this, so it becomes one's deepest darkest secret.

You can be assured, your therapist will support you when you talk about this, and once you are re-assured the diagnosis is not unusual, and that the diagnosis actually has a name, the weight of a thousand tons will have been lifted from your shoulders.

I would persuade you to start a conversation with your doctor of therapist about this on your next visit.

If you need some help on starting that conversation, we can do some role playing here to help get you started.