Do I open my heart too much or something...?

[Suzette]

Hello all,

This is bothering me now really bad. I have a dog since last Saturday and again I experience the same thing what I experience in my contacts with people: I tend to give all and then withdraw myself because I cannot keep doing that.

Important is to tell that I only have this with the people I feel dependent on.

It is like I lose myself when I sense somebody else wants me to be very enthousiastic or think I should act that way. I have no clue what I actually want at that moment.

If you don't mind I stick to the experiences with my dog now, because this is what is bothering me and typical for my behavior.

When I got out of bed this afternoon I felt energetic. My dog greeted me enthousiastically and I cherished her and played with her. Later on I thought: hmmmzzz because before I went to sleep I felt so differently.

Anyway, we got back from a walk and then I felt like I wanted to use the computer and be alone. I have that many times during the day that I want to be alone. Or just the thought that my dog is not looking for me is a relief. It's a struggle here more or less for me.

I tend to open my heart completely and give very much and then I soon back out because I need to be alone. Now I am afraid I will hurt my dog with this. I don't want to. I have also had this numerous times with people, numerous times. Giving myself completely and then get in panic or just have the feeling that I need to be alone to feel normal again.

What am I actually doing...? Why...? Is there a way that I can make this be less extreme?

 

[Suzette]

Thinking about it I think it has something to do that when things are too much for me, or too overwhelming, I tend to lose myself. Something like: if you cannot beat it, then join it.

 

[jeffrey]

I think you give yourself openly because thats your nature,but your survival instinct cuts in when you become aware of this and you become protective as you are waiting to be hurt or taken advantage of.It`s quite normal,people are hard to judge and in any case who wants to spend all their lives checking and double checking people.I was the same and still are to an extent,give them an inch and they`ll take a mile,open your heart up and they`ll break it...that kind of thing,i thought theres no way i`m going to change me because of them,now i go with my gut feelings and have felt the stronger for it and i think people respect me more,i avoid those that make me feel uncomfortable and say no to those that piss me off,thay soon get the message...thats the only way they get it and the nice thing is i`m me i haven`t changed.
Don`t know if this helps,i could be barking up the wrong tree.
Jeff

 

[Suzette]

Hi Jeffrey,

Thank you very much for your feedback. Since my dog is putting my life upside down with all the new things that come along I did not feel at ease earlier to respond.

It might be so that that is my nature, yes. But on the other hand, I am afraid I hurt people by it. Because first I am very open (I am enthousiastic and so) and then things go wrong. I don't feel in balance with that.

I have a borderline personality which means that I am capable of rejecting and attracting quite extreme. Now with people, they can talk back. But I am very fond of my dog and it seems that I act again like this. She cannot talk though. I mean I would also have this when I would live with a person, I think.

I found this in another topic about borderline disorder:

"unstable, intense personal relationships with extreme, black and white views of people and experiences, sometimes alternating between "all good" idealization and "all bad" devaluation;"

Yes, I recognize myself in this.

 

[jeffrey]

Oh my god maybe i suffer with this as well?
Borderline personallity,naaah,i do see things in black and white,multicouler and all the hues that have never been seen,i am a little extreme but also pretty mellow in myself.Am i borderline? I`m constantley aware of myself and analyse my actions and thoughts,what does that make me? Maybe i don`t understand,sorry if this seems ignorant but i`m just trying to understand people better.I have trouble in life...a lot,but i still have faith in who i am and the effect i have upon people,good and bad,learning all the time how to conduct myself,you know cause and effect and all that.I think you are who you are and if you except yourself as that then you can be yourself in a relaxed and centered manner.

 

[jeffrey]

Oh my god maybe i suffer with this as well?
Borderline personallity,naaah,i do see things in black and white,multicouler and all the hues that have never been seen,i am a little extreme but also pretty mellow in myself.Am i borderline? I`m constantley aware of myself and analyse my actions and thoughts,what does that make me? Maybe i don`t understand,sorry if this seems ignorant but i`m just trying to understand people better.I have trouble in life...a lot,but i still have faith in who i am and the effect i have upon people,good and bad,learning all the time how to conduct myself,you know cause and effect and all that.I think you are who you are and if you except yourself as that then you can be yourself in a relaxed and centered manner.