Does ED still have control?

[ladybug1966]

I feel weird posting here b/c I thought I was doing so well in my ED (until a few slip-ups recently due to stress and things - which I'm not letting go any further), but I just realized after posting to a thread I wrote in another forum that I still am attached to a certain part of my ED and it kind-of shocked me. It shocked me because for a while I've been confident and proud of myself to think "Hey, I haven't used any behaviors in _ months! I'm not relying on ED anymore! ED no longer has control over me, I'm actually living life!" Well, that's not true, I'm terrified to allow myself to get past a certain point in weight. It's not really a number on a scale, it has to do with the way I look on a certain area on my body. It relates back to trauma. If I gain so much weight in a certain area, it will trigger me into nightmares, etc. and it's just hard to explain, but now that I see it, I do not let myself get to that point in my body image/weight. I do the whole 'body check' thing daily to just confirm that I am "OK" in that certain area. I've never thought it was a problem, but I guess it is? I have told my T that I don't like to gain weight to a certain point because of this, which he has of course told me to challenge and I've tried, achieved it, but immediately start losing weight. Can I not use behaviors such as restricting, purging, over-exercising - be in recovery @ a healthy weight, but still be afraid to get to that certain point, which is still a healthy weight, too? How does or would that work? I've challenged it, but didn't stay there. That brings in the whole control thing again. I feel out of control when I get to that point, but then the ED could still have control, too. Why can't life just be the perfectly perfect that doesn't exist for anyone? (That's not a real question. I'm just frustrated.)

Thanks for any feedback out there.

 

[GDPR]

I think I understand what you're saying, and I am the same. I am ok with the actual numbers on the scales, but I'm not ok with my hips. I feel panicky unless my hip bones are protruding, I cannot stand for any 'meat' to be there at all. I have also challenged it, but then immediately start losing again, just to feel 'comfortable' again.

I think it's more of a trauma thing rather than an ED thing(for me anyway) and I'm thinking that If I could actually let myself have hips and could fight the urge to lose them that eventually I would become ok with it. But I need to find a way to deal with how it makes me feel to have hips, what it means,why I feel the way I do,etc.

 

[ladybug1966]

That's exactly it - except mine is the hip bones and I can't stand for my inner thighs to touch. It all has to do with trauma. I think I could fight the hip bones more than I could the other. For me that's a power thing. They make me feel invincible. For the other, I really can't imagine myself living with legs that touch. I know it's fine and I look fine that way, but it triggers too much. Sounds foolish when I say it, but it also makes me panic when I imagine it or think of challenging myself to get to that point again. I understand what the feeling is and why it sets me off, but I'm not sure how to fight through it.

Thanks for responding. I'm glad someone gets it.

 

[Cat Dancer]

It's amazing how things other than weight and sizes can trigger us like certain bones sticking out or body parts not touching. I have a thing about my collarbones. I want to be able to see them. I hate this disease.

 

[ladybug1966]

It's weird how in the beginning of it all, I thought it was about numbers, etc., but of course it's not. It's definitely about those deep rooted issues, but it's like somehow, some way, ED is always lingering somewhere.

I know that's why there are doctors/therapists out there to help us understand all of that, what it means, etc., but it really is amazing how the ED can creep in anywhere. I based my ED on if I was active in the behaviors or not. I guess I was in denial that I was still suffering from the body image stuff. *shame*

As you put it: I hate this disease, too.