Don’t Get Mad–Get Intimate
By Laura Richter, M.S., Boca Raton, Florida
September 24, 2011
When we’re emotionally intimate with someone, we’re telling them, “I’m willing to be vulnerable to you, because I know you won’t hurt me.” Most of us recall the feeling of first “being in love,” when we believed that our partner could see into our souls—truly understand everything about us, like mind readers! If you are still experiencing this level of intimacy in your relationship, then you probably don’t need to read any further. But if you are feeling disconnected and distant, it may be helpful to know the following.
In a new relationship, we have the expectation that our partner will fulfill all of our emotional needs, even those that were lacking when we were children. When our expectations are not met, we experience feelings of disappointment, anger, frustration and resentment. We build barriers to protect ourselves from feeling vulnerable. This is when couples may start to drift apart and may even seek intimacy elsewhere. Before you consider looking outside of your relationship, you may want to consider the following.
1. Evaluate your expectations by mirroring them to yourself. In a mutual relationship both partners contribute. If you were to walk in your partners’ shoes and he or she in yours, would you view it the same way? Is what you are asking of your partner something you would consider reasonable if it were asked of you?
2. Learn to embrace difference through curiosity. More than likely you chose this person because he or she is the ying to your yang. Appreciate your partner’s uniqueness and be curious about it. Allow yourself to see it through his or her eyes rather than judging it through your own. Learn to listen in different ways… ways that allow you to hear and learn, rather than judge and criticize.
3. Understand that emotions are a blessing. Pay attention to them. More than likely if you are “angry,” it’s because you are sad, hurt,or afraid. But “being angry” doesn’t look like any of those things, when you are raising your voice or throwing verbal torpedos at each other. If you find it difficult to talk when angry, take a step back and write down what you are feeling…not what the other person did to make you feel that way.
4. And finally, realize that intimacy begins with you. The only person you can change in a relationship is yourself. Intimacy begins with making the choice to be those things in a relationship that you expect in the other person, like being trustworthy, honest, responsible and respectful.
Don’t wait until that barrier has gotten so big it becomes overwhelming. If you can’t figure things out on your own, seek the help of a qualified, competent therapist who can work with you on building the intimacy you once had back into your relationship. And remember, don’t get mad … get intimate!
By Laura Richter, M.S., Boca Raton, Florida
September 24, 2011
When we’re emotionally intimate with someone, we’re telling them, “I’m willing to be vulnerable to you, because I know you won’t hurt me.” Most of us recall the feeling of first “being in love,” when we believed that our partner could see into our souls—truly understand everything about us, like mind readers! If you are still experiencing this level of intimacy in your relationship, then you probably don’t need to read any further. But if you are feeling disconnected and distant, it may be helpful to know the following.
In a new relationship, we have the expectation that our partner will fulfill all of our emotional needs, even those that were lacking when we were children. When our expectations are not met, we experience feelings of disappointment, anger, frustration and resentment. We build barriers to protect ourselves from feeling vulnerable. This is when couples may start to drift apart and may even seek intimacy elsewhere. Before you consider looking outside of your relationship, you may want to consider the following.
1. Evaluate your expectations by mirroring them to yourself. In a mutual relationship both partners contribute. If you were to walk in your partners’ shoes and he or she in yours, would you view it the same way? Is what you are asking of your partner something you would consider reasonable if it were asked of you?
2. Learn to embrace difference through curiosity. More than likely you chose this person because he or she is the ying to your yang. Appreciate your partner’s uniqueness and be curious about it. Allow yourself to see it through his or her eyes rather than judging it through your own. Learn to listen in different ways… ways that allow you to hear and learn, rather than judge and criticize.
3. Understand that emotions are a blessing. Pay attention to them. More than likely if you are “angry,” it’s because you are sad, hurt,or afraid. But “being angry” doesn’t look like any of those things, when you are raising your voice or throwing verbal torpedos at each other. If you find it difficult to talk when angry, take a step back and write down what you are feeling…not what the other person did to make you feel that way.
4. And finally, realize that intimacy begins with you. The only person you can change in a relationship is yourself. Intimacy begins with making the choice to be those things in a relationship that you expect in the other person, like being trustworthy, honest, responsible and respectful.
Don’t wait until that barrier has gotten so big it becomes overwhelming. If you can’t figure things out on your own, seek the help of a qualified, competent therapist who can work with you on building the intimacy you once had back into your relationship. And remember, don’t get mad … get intimate!
