Emotional distress

[ThatLady]

Being alone isn't the worst thing to be, pip. Being used and manipulated is far worse, in my opinion. If you were on your own, you could get out and make friends, build a support system, and get on with your life. As it is, the man is controlling your world. To me, that's the crux of your problem right now. You need to get away from him and become your own person.

 

[pip]

It's not specifically being alone that worries me.

I moved out of my parents' home straight into his, and while I do bring in income, it's barely enough to survive on by myself. It's the difference between going to school and finishing my phd by the time I'm 28 and taking until I'm 40 because I'm taking one class instead of five.

If I break up with him on anything less than amicable terms, it means I'm out easily $1500+. My income is based on my sewing and my photography, and both my sewing machine and my camera (as well as my bed, computer, desk, chair, phone and blog) technically belong to him, and he's flat out said he'd want them back. Without them, I'm living off about $400 a month, which will cover rent, but nothing else.

I could survive, find another real part time job etc, but I'd lose a lot more than just comfort and companionship. If I try and address this logically, I totally screwed myself by jumping into the whole joint-everything song and dance.

I feel...parasitic having said that.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That definitely makes the whole issue complicated, pip. It's easy enough for someone to say to hell with the money and the possessions - get out of there - but reality obviously makes it difficult to do that.

On the other hand, I can't recall how long you've been together or what part of the world you live in. His threat to take back your photography and sewing equipment might be bluster. In Canada, for example, if you've lived together for a year you are considered to be in a commmon law marriage and if that marriage dissolves you have rights to an equitable division of property. You might want to get some advice about what the laws are where you live.

 

[pip]

We've been together almost two years, and I moved in with him November 11th 2004.

I know technically we're common law and stuff, but he bought most of the stuff, and pretty much everything is in his name.

As it stands, I'm going to just sort of slowly drift away from him. We're alread 'sort of broken up', and I figure, once I'm out, if I talk to him less and less, eventually we can sort of go from 'together' to 'acquaintances', without the inevitable fighting, passive-aggressiveness and vengefulness.

I have some money in savings, meant for tuition and stuff, but I'm thinking of using it to replace things, and just cut back on other expenses for a while until I can save more up. Maybe snagging some more waitressing hours.

I don't know. It's over, there's no doubt about that, and it's pretty common knowledge -- we've flat out discussed it, but it's a question of implementing the over-ness in the best way possible.

I'm also pissed off that I've stupidly neglected my friends for him, and more so that I fell for a lot of this crap.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I know technically we're common law and stuff, but he bought most of the stuff, and pretty much everything is in his name.

The law isn't concerned with whose name the property is in or who wrote the cheque to purchase it.

 

[foghlaim]

Hi PIP, i'm just wondering how tings turned out for you, did u move out, were u able to take your stuff with you?? ect ect..
how are you doing?


let us know some day ok.
nsa

 

[pip]

well, we broke up I had a mini stress breakdown, kinda fell into some old habits for a few weeks. He was beyond assish. A friend of mine came up to cheer me up for my birthday, it worked, I'm happier now than I've been before.

I *am* working 56 hours a week, which kind of sucks, but it's well worth it in the end I think.

Some old friends I had nearly forgotten came out of the woodwork, and I have a trip to europe in my near future for my birthday. I won a scholarship, so school money is no longer an issue.

Mike and I still speak, and we're still friends...sort of. We get along fine and all, but quite honestly, he was pretty scary during the breakup. Don't think I've ever encountered anyone that mean, and while I knew he could be quite unfriendly, I hadn't realised the true extent of that facet of his personality.

While he can be the most wonderful, sweet, and caring guy in the world one minute, he can be quite horrific others. While there are times I'm tempted to get back together with him, usually because he's so sweet, I'm reminded of how terrifying he can be, and that usually puts me off him rather quickly.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I'm happier now than I've been before.

This is great!!

While he can be the most wonderful, sweet, and caring guy in the world one minute, he can be quite horrific others. While there are times I'm tempted to get back together with him, usually because he's so sweet, I'm reminded of how terrifying he can be, and that usually puts me off him rather quickly.

Good. Keep reminding yourself of how scary he can be. It's not worth the good times.

 

[foghlaim]

delighted to hear from you Pip... and you are doing so well without him,,
old friends back, school fees not a worry anymore that's fantastic. congrats on the scholarship. I really hope you Enjoy your trip to Europe.. it'll be great!!

as Janet says above... just keep reminding yourself of that really mean nasty side of mike and stay clear of him ok. You have shown you can do without him. and you def do not need the life you had with him.

The very best of luck in your new college? a nd i hope you continue to be very happy as you are now.

best wishes

nsa

 

[ThatLady]

Great to hear from you, Pip! Congratulations on your scholarship and your coming trip to Europe! It sounds like your life is going a lot better now. That's really good news.

 

[braveheart]

I'm pleased things are improving for you.

 

[markyy]

Hello Pip

As a I read your story my heart felt for you.

You have had great advice --I will not repeat.

It might be worth trying the following excercise.

1) Write out a list of all the characteristics you think are important in a friendship. Include in this list anything you think you need from someone you would call a friend. Then do the same for someone you have chosen to be your significant other relationship.

2) Step 2 is best done with someone who has been a longstanding friend, who you can talk to and share your feelings with. You can do this by yourself but best to have help with it. Go through the list and for each need or characteristic you identified in your lists ask yourself if your boyfriend fullfills the characteristic or need.

3) Within most difficult situations that arises in a human life we have choice at some level -- ask yourself what you choices are even if it seems like making those choices would be hard. Share them with close friends and if making those important choices still seems difficult get some counseling to help you figure out why it is so difficult and how you might change that.

Hope the above helps.

Namaste
Mark Weiss