Episodes of extreme frustration

[Darkside]

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. About once or twice a month I have what I would call an "episode" where it appears to me that everything is going wrong. However, how do we (me) define "wrong?" I don't know about everyone else but I define it as "going other than the way I want it to." It isn't anxiety per se. I've had panic attacks before so I know what they feel like. This is something else.

It is hard to describe but it "feels" like the universe has singled me out and said, "ah, today you will be tested to your limits." Everything that can go wrong will go wrong and you will be thwarted in everything you do from getting to work on time (traffic) to people not cooperating, behaving rudely, or a package not arriving when scheduled. Most of the time these sorts of things are a bother but I don't feel anxious, upset, angry or disturbed by them. But during these periodic "episodes" I begin to keep score of everything that has gone wrong. As I keep score the frustration mounts and I can literally feels myself seething and boiling inside. I really want to chew someone out, cuss, or even scream. The essence of it is, I think, fear, but the fear is expressed as anger.

I've learned to keep to myself and even take a day off when I feel this way, but when I can't my mind races, my thoughts become disorganized and sometimes I blank out. That is, I lose a few minutes and I can't account for the time.

Usually, these episodes pass in a day or two. This week it started on Monday and is subsiding today.

This does not keep me awake at night ... usually. Yesterday I was agitated beyond description but I slept well last night. Today I was agitated but I am starting to come down this afternoon.

Does anyone else experience this? Is this part of the human condition and my perfectionism just won't let me accept it? How is it that I can go for a week or two and feel in touch with myself, and the world, and then fall into one of these "episodes" without any obvious cause. I say there is no "obvious" cause because nothing happened that I can pinpoint. It just seems like ordinary things begin to bother me. I've mentioned this to my therapist but he doesn't really have an explanation. We talk a lot about childhood abuse and my relationship with my mother but can that be the cause?

 

[forgetmenot]

Darkside i can go along and do well but then when people start asking me to do things just small thing i can feel frustration and i want everyone to go away
just pay bill or do a hone call or have dr appt these little things keep mounting and it will sometimes just take something small like a comment or a look and i just have to escape i have to find somewhere to hide like i am not there anymore

In a way when i read your post i can understand, maybe not exactly what you are experiencing but i hate myself when i finally reach that point of no return

i call it that because it is like there is no control left

i am not able to keep me safe in my mind i am not safe and that is when all those dark thoughts come

i just want to go away and i want people to leave me alone and i want to disappear because i don't want the feeling of frustration and anger to be put onto someone

hope i make sense.

 

[MHealthJo]

Sorry that I can't offer much insight Darkside... Want to clarify: So does this 'fever pitch' sort of feeling just subside entirely on its own, without you doing anything different at all? (I mean, the times when you don't keep to yourself?)

Or do you begin to sense that some negative consequence may come out of it soon, and do you engage in some sort of behaviour that changes your thinking or puts you on a different track?

 

[Darkside]

Sorry that I can't offer much insight Darkside... Want to clarify: So does this 'fever pitch' sort of feeling just subside entirely on its own, without you doing anything different at all? (I mean, the times when you don't keep to yourself?)

Or do you begin to sense that some negative consequence may come out of it soon, and do you engage in some sort of behaviour that changes your thinking or puts you on a different track?

I try to use DBT techniques and sort of talk myself down. (mainly wise mind) That helps keep me from saying or doing something that would be acting out my frustration or agitation. But those "self talk" techniques don't make the feelings go away. They just help me keep them under control. The episodes just seem to subside after a day or two. Today was difficult but I managed and I feel better tonight. The episode started Monday, peaked Tuesday and Wednesday and subsided today.

And now that I am past it I do think it is anxiety - it's just not a panic attack. The other thing I've noticed is that my perceptions seem to be skewed. I actually feel uncoordinated like I am not in control of my body movements. I stumble more easily, and it is more difficult for me to express myself - almost like there is a short-circuit between my brain and my vocal chords. I find myself talking louder and louder too.

If I can get some place quiet and just listen to my inner dialog it "almost" seems like I am scared that all these things mean something bad is going to happen to me. Like someone is going to come in and say, "that's it ... I've had enough of you and your attitude and now you're going to get a whipping."

I know that is stuff from my childhood, but I don't know what triggers it.

 

[MHealthJo]

Hmm, you have articulated it well - be sure to show your doctor and mental health professional these descriptions sometime, if you haven't spelled it out like this with them before.

I'm no professional, but it does sound like a possibility could be anxiety levels building then subsiding again. I am sure you are aware of breathing techniques, relaxation response, relaxation or hypnosis audios, etc...

One thing some anxiety sufferers don't always know is, the value of using these types of techniques and audios every day - that the daily use can often make quite a difference in keeping those feelings at a lower ebb.

I believe there are audios and mp3s here, other sources I'm aware of are get.gg , excelatlife , and possibly ACT (can't quite remember on that one).

Hope that you get some relief from these buildups in time Darkside - those are really difficult feelings to go through.

 

[Darkside]

I have some materials on DBT I will dig out and read again.

My fear is that during one of these episodes I am going to "lose it" and say something I will regret. There are no specific triggers ... just seems to be an accumulation of frustrations.

 

[MHealthJo]

It is a worrying thought to have, it's true.

Still, if you did say or do something you regret sometimes, that would make you human, is all.... not a terrible person or anything. Saying/doing something you didn't want to, followed by a sincere apology (with perhaps an explanation that you have a stress and anxiety issue that you are working to manage), could often retain the respect and connection of whoever was involved.

(Keep in mind that there are courses of action also, that can be taken somewhere in between things getting off-course, and the actual point of 'losing it'. Having some action plans and rehearsed tools close in mind could perhaps feel a bit like a safety net for you? Ask your therapist what kind of CBT roleplaying might be helpful for the situations you fear that you could 'lose it'.)

Of course, each situation is different, and even with a sincere apology, 'losing it' can have difficult consequences. So it's definitely understandable to have this concern and to desire to feel calm and in control.

The concepts coming to mind for me are the ACT concepts of acceptance and defusion, which overlap with the DBT stuff you mentioned. You're on the right track. You may find your therapist could offer ideas of how or when to use tools in a new way that lessens this cycle, or there could be a resource your T might consider extra useful for this pattern.

Hope you can get a bit more relief and feel more steady.

 

[Darkside]

It is a worrying thought to have, it's true.

Still, if you did say or do something you regret sometimes, that would make you human, is all.... not a terrible person or anything. Saying/doing something you didn't want to, followed by a sincere apology (with perhaps an explanation that you have a stress and anxiety issue that you are working to manage), could often retain the respect and connection of whoever was involved.

(Keep in mind that there are courses of action also, that can be taken somewhere in between things getting off-course, and the actual point of 'losing it'. Having some action plans and rehearsed tools close in mind could perhaps feel a bit like a safety net for you? Ask your therapist what kind of CBT roleplaying might be helpful for the situations you fear that you could 'lose it'.)

Of course, each situation is different, and even with a sincere apology, 'losing it' can have difficult consequences. So it's definitely understandable to have this concern and to desire to feel calm and in control.

The concepts coming to mind for me are the ACT concepts of acceptance and defusion, which overlap with the DBT stuff you mentioned. You're on the right track. You may find your therapist could offer ideas of how or when to use tools in a new way that lessens this cycle, or there could be a resource your T might consider extra useful for this pattern.

Hope you can get a bit more relief and feel more steady.

I really appreciate that. When I get so wrapped up in things I forget the obvious so thank you for reminding me.

I grew up in a home where people held grudges for a lifetime. In my child's mind it was better to be very careful and never make a mistake because what I saw was that mistakes could/would not be forgiven. Even if they were they would be mentioned again years and years later.

But healthy people truly do ask for forgiveness and give it, and a healthy person knows when the apology is genuine.

I believe this is what the words sorrow and mercy mean.

One of the reasons I like coming here is because I feel like the sorrows and the mercy are real.