I've been thinking a lot about this lately. About once or twice a month I have what I would call an "episode" where it appears to me that everything is going wrong. However, how do we (me) define "wrong?" I don't know about everyone else but I define it as "going other than the way I want it to." It isn't anxiety per se. I've had panic attacks before so I know what they feel like. This is something else.
It is hard to describe but it "feels" like the universe has singled me out and said, "ah, today you will be tested to your limits." Everything that can go wrong will go wrong and you will be thwarted in everything you do from getting to work on time (traffic) to people not cooperating, behaving rudely, or a package not arriving when scheduled. Most of the time these sorts of things are a bother but I don't feel anxious, upset, angry or disturbed by them. But during these periodic "episodes" I begin to keep score of everything that has gone wrong. As I keep score the frustration mounts and I can literally feels myself seething and boiling inside. I really want to chew someone out, cuss, or even scream. The essence of it is, I think, fear, but the fear is expressed as anger.
I've learned to keep to myself and even take a day off when I feel this way, but when I can't my mind races, my thoughts become disorganized and sometimes I blank out. That is, I lose a few minutes and I can't account for the time.
Usually, these episodes pass in a day or two. This week it started on Monday and is subsiding today.
This does not keep me awake at night ... usually. Yesterday I was agitated beyond description but I slept well last night. Today I was agitated but I am starting to come down this afternoon.
Does anyone else experience this? Is this part of the human condition and my perfectionism just won't let me accept it? How is it that I can go for a week or two and feel in touch with myself, and the world, and then fall into one of these "episodes" without any obvious cause. I say there is no "obvious" cause because nothing happened that I can pinpoint. It just seems like ordinary things begin to bother me. I've mentioned this to my therapist but he doesn't really have an explanation. We talk a lot about childhood abuse and my relationship with my mother but can that be the cause?
It is hard to describe but it "feels" like the universe has singled me out and said, "ah, today you will be tested to your limits." Everything that can go wrong will go wrong and you will be thwarted in everything you do from getting to work on time (traffic) to people not cooperating, behaving rudely, or a package not arriving when scheduled. Most of the time these sorts of things are a bother but I don't feel anxious, upset, angry or disturbed by them. But during these periodic "episodes" I begin to keep score of everything that has gone wrong. As I keep score the frustration mounts and I can literally feels myself seething and boiling inside. I really want to chew someone out, cuss, or even scream. The essence of it is, I think, fear, but the fear is expressed as anger.
I've learned to keep to myself and even take a day off when I feel this way, but when I can't my mind races, my thoughts become disorganized and sometimes I blank out. That is, I lose a few minutes and I can't account for the time.
Usually, these episodes pass in a day or two. This week it started on Monday and is subsiding today.
This does not keep me awake at night ... usually. Yesterday I was agitated beyond description but I slept well last night. Today I was agitated but I am starting to come down this afternoon.
Does anyone else experience this? Is this part of the human condition and my perfectionism just won't let me accept it? How is it that I can go for a week or two and feel in touch with myself, and the world, and then fall into one of these "episodes" without any obvious cause. I say there is no "obvious" cause because nothing happened that I can pinpoint. It just seems like ordinary things begin to bother me. I've mentioned this to my therapist but he doesn't really have an explanation. We talk a lot about childhood abuse and my relationship with my mother but can that be the cause?