Establishing and Maintaining Boundaries

[David Baxter PhD]

The 7 Laws of Boundaries
by Therese J. Borchard
Thursday October 8, 2009

One of the classic books on how to establish better personal boundaries is Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. This summer I brought it to the pool with me the week before our family vacations--just to help me get into better shape ... you know, given the complications of family situations--and it provoked all kinds of interesting discussions about family neuroses among my friends and other pool members. Apparently boundary problems are quite common ... which is why Cloud and Townsend have sold more than 2 million copies of their book.

Especially intriguing was chapter five, on the ten laws of boundaries. For the purpose of length, I highlight seven of them below, excerpting text from that chapter.

Law 1: The Law of Sowing and Reaping
The law of cause and effect is a basic law of life. Sometimes, however, people don't reap what they sow, because someone else steps in and reaps the consequences for them. Establishing boundaries helps codependent people stop interruption the Law of Sowing and Reaping in their loved one's life. Boundaries force the person who is doing the sowing to also do the reaping.

Law 2: The Law of Responsibility
Problems arise when boundaries of responsibility are confused. We are to LOVE one another, not BE one another. I can't feel your feelings for you. I can't think for you. I can't behave for you. I can't work through the disappointment that limits bring for you. In short, I can't grow for you; only you can. Likewise, you can't grow for me.

Law 3: The Law of Respect
If we love and respect people who tell us no, they will love and respect our no. Freedom begets freedom. Our real concern with others should not be "Are they doing what I would do or what I want them to do?" but "Are they really making a free choice?" When we accept others' freedom, we don't get angry, feel guilty, or withdraw our love when they set boundaries with us. When we accept others' freedom we feel better about our own.

Law 4: The Law of Motivation
These false motives and others keep us from setting boundaries: fear of loss of love or abandonment, fear of others' anger, fear of loneliness, fear of losing the "good me" inside, guilt, payback, approval, over-identification with the other's loss. The Law of Motivation says this: Freedom first, service second. If you serve to get free of your fear, you are doomed to failure.

Law 5: The Law of Evaluation
We cause pain by making choices that others do not like, but we also cause pain by confronting people when they are wrong. But if we do not share our anger with another, bitterness and hatred can set in. We need to evaluate the pain our confrontation causes other people. We need to see how this hurt is helpful to others and sometimes the best thing that we can do for them and for the relationship.

Law 6: The Law of Envy
Envy is a self-perpetuating cycle. Boundaryless people feel empty and unfulfilled. They look at another's sense of fullness and feel envious. This time and energy needs to be spent on taking responsibility for their lack and doing something about it. Taking action is the only way out.

Law 7: The Law of Activity
Many times we have boundary problems because we lack initiative--the God-given ability to propel ourselves into life. Our boundaries can only be created by our being active and aggressive, by our knocking, seeking, and asking.

 

[Daniel E.]

An excerpt from The New Codependency by Melody Beattie:

Crossing Lines and Getting Back over Them Again

Taking Care of Ourselves​

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I know what it's like to lose yourself so badly that you don't know if there's a you or ever was one. I spent thirty years not knowing what boundaries were and another ten learning to set them. I gave until I was depleted and needed someone to take care of me. I threatened, begged, hinted, and manipulated to get what I wanted. I was convinced that I knew what was best for other people. I got so busy teaching them their lessons that I forgot to learn mine.

Within minutes of meeting a man, I was sure I'd met my soul mate. A few hours later, I'd fantasize about the wedding. That's how it happened on television. Isn't that how it happened in life? I'd spend two years trying to get into a relationship, and the next five trapped, clawing my way out. I obsessed until my head ached. Literally, it hurt. I didn't know what feelings were. Whenever I said I felt something, people said, "Don't feel that!"

Like millions of other women and men, I was victimized as a child. Instead of holding the perpetrators responsible, I blamed myself. There's something wrong with me, I thought. I didn't see the bad things that happened to me happening to anyone else. Feeling like we caused the problem is a legitimate stage of grief. Feeling ashamed is normal when we've been abused. Blaming ourselves is a survival skill. It helps us feel in control when life doesn't make sense and being abused doesn't make any sense at all.

Besides, aren't women supposed to suffer? We sacrifice ourselves. I became a martyr. I thought taking care of other people was my job. If I took care of them, I hoped they'd return the favor and take care of me. But that didn't happen. People expected me to take care of them once I started that pattern. There were many reasons I didn't take care of myself. The word no wasn't in my vocabulary. Good people were selfless. Loving myself was out of the question. Selfish! But the biggest reason I didn't take care of myself is that I didn't know how to.

Many of us didn't (or don't) know about self-care. It wasn't written about in books or talked about in school. We get user manuals for simple products, but we don't get a handbook for life. We stumble through complex situations, figuring things out for ourselves. Controlling and taking care of others -- the entire package of codependent behaviors -- become survival tools, living skills that we think will keep us safe. Then one day these behaviors turn on us. Our relationships and lives stop working and we don't know why. By then these survival behaviors are habits. They're all we know how to do.

If I had the years back I spent worrying about how the things I couldn't control were going to turn out, I'd have a third of my life to live over. That would be a life in which I wouldn't feel responsible for everyone or feel guilty all the time. I wouldn't waste energy controlling, enabling, and obsessively rescuing people -- the "helpful" things codependents do that don't really help. I'd let people take care of their responsibilities and I'd take care of mine. I wouldn't let people hurt me. I'd set boundaries -- say no. I wouldn't do only what other people wanted me to do; I'd do what I wanted, too. This time my giving would come from my heart, and my helping would actually help. I wouldn't judge everything that happened as wrong, including what I did, said, thought, and felt. I'd let life unfold, people be who they are, and I'd let myself be me. This time, I'd have the courage to experience true love.

I'd trust my intuition. If something didn't feel right, I'd know it probably wasn't. If I felt sad, I'd cry. If I felt angry, I'd feel that. I wouldn't ignore emotions until I imploded in illness or exploded in rage. I'd get out of my head and into my heart. I'd deal with my and others' feelings without all the drama; as much as possible I'd handle uncomfortable situations with diplomacy and tact. I wouldn't feel obligated and trapped. I'd know I had choices -- whether that means choosing attitude, gratitude, meditation, or prayer. Instead of protecting myself with fierce independence, I'd ask for help. I wouldn't be controlled by people and external events. My control center would be where it belongs -- in me. I wouldn't let other people's approval determine whether or not I approved of myself. I'd be energized by nature, God, and Life. I wouldn't drain other people, and I wouldn't let them drain me so much that my battery would die.

My relationships would be equal ones. I'd share power instead of one of us controlling and the other being controlled. I wouldn't have to create chaos to feel alive; I'd know I'm real. As one friend reminds me, instead of running headfirst into trouble, I'd go around it whenever I could (without resorting to denial). I know the value of peace. I'd create beauty, be of service, and have fun. I'd live and love at the same time. I'd admit my mistakes. But I'd also appreciate what I did well and let myself enjoy success.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Excellent article.

 

[rdw]

True lessons for all to learn in this article however as a female this article speaks directly to me. I think she was talking about my life - everyone else came first, inability to set appropriate boundaries, feeling responsibile for everyone's feelings and problems, refusal to trust my instincts when I knew something was wrong or not true. I AM on the road to recovery but I wish I had read this years ago as it may have saved me from a big crash and burn. Thanks for this article! It really touched a chord with me today.