Boundaries?

[David Baxter PhD]

@David Baxter (I hope I did that right) ...

So basically I am programmed, or self-trained, to accept/tolerate/excuse those behaviours?

Yes. But you can change that by becoming more aware that you do tolerate and excuse those behaviors and then more alert to them to resist continuing the cycle.

 

[Bumblebean]

Yes. But you can change that by becoming more aware that you do tolerate and excuse those behaviors and then more alert to them to resist continuing the cycle.

At this point I think I'm very aware. I have bit my tongue and made excuses for a long time, but this was different ... I should say I perceived it differently. Maybe it was the extent and variety of assaults on my character along with everything else. Especially being accused of lying. Put altogether it felt eerily as if it was my mother talking.

The logistics of creating a safe distance are going to be a challenge; I guess it will be a case of dealing with whatever presents itself in turn. With so many knotted strands to untangle, it's going to be a long haul.

🕊

 

[Daniel E.]

By the way: How to Dump a Toxic Friend | Time

 

[Bumblebean]

That negative, stressed and depressed friend (in the article) could have been me, more or less, 30 years ago. I'm glad most people were willing put up with me.

I have a few "downer" types in my life but they don't *get* me down. Maybe because it's safe to be honest. I can't "fix" them, but at least they know someone will listen, hear, and care.

And yes, to some extent that's an issue here. Sometimes she has literally rescued me ... e.g. from being homeless. She recognizes that she's a "fixer"; I recognized too late that during some very bad times when she "fixed" some aspect of my life in those times, I was so caught up in my worries that I failed to see i was boxing myself in. There have been people in my life to whom I am grateful. And then there are those to whom I am beholden. Beholden sucks

 

[Bumblebean]

But I am not going to let it trap me.

Took a small step today ... playing every moment by ear.
🕊

 

[Bumblebean]

Small things are adding up, but at this point it feels a lot like slowly owning it, if that makes sense.
🕊

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It makes perfect sense. I know what that feels like. And I'm happy to hear you are getting there.

 

[Bumblebean]

I was so tangled up in a mess of conflicting emotions I forgot that the times in my life when I have made positive changes was when things finally got quiet inside. Kind of like when training a horse ... no point going anywhere near til my head shuts up enough to "hear" the animal ☺
Side note: is it my mobile or has the format changed?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I like the horse analogy. Well put.

Side note: is it my mobile or has the format changed?

I've made no recent changes to the site or the server but there are several weather conditions in various parts of Canada and the US that may be affecting connection speeds. Sometimes when this happens, certain scripts or images don't fully load, especially with mobile connections which tend to be slower to begin with.

 

[Bumblebean]

Thanks. I didn't realize there were so many things that could affect the look of a page or site. I'm very non-tech, (computers ok, mobiles not so much)so i have a lot to learn.��