Personal Boundaries and How to Get Them

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Thank you Peter, this full explanation now makes sense to me. You did not intrude, I just think we misunderstood you, as you only told us part of what you meant, I think.

Without boundaries, for me, there would be no serenity. Things are a heck of a lot more serene now that I have them. lol But you are so right. I had to learn all those things you posted about, too. Having gone through the abuse, one does have to find what is good about oneself, but also accept that one needs to change, because one isn't living in that abuse anymore and has to learn new life skills/beliefs/strategies, and accept what has happened and then move on. I think I am getting there, and I have learned to ask for help to get there, too. *pst, I know what you mean rdw, I'm a rescuer, too*


At the beginning, when you were first posting, it sounded to me like you were saying boundaries were not a good thing, that they created problems, rather than solutions. I didn't think that was what you meant, exactly. I am glad I stuck around to get clarity.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am sorry that you had that happen to you. You seem like a very wonderful and kind person who has come a long way, "through the wound," to borrow a Jungian phrase. I'm glad you made it to the other side.

 

[Retired]

I had to learn to change everything around that was twisted and untrue in me (not others).
From such self-honesty and changes in self, I was able to see the truth in others, including the insanity of my abusers.

This statement is especially meaningful to me, as it reflects a similar reorientation process I had to make, to help me overcome some pain in my early life, though not as tragic as yours.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom, Peter.

 

[Darkside]

Thanks Darkside and jollygreenjellybean. Very good and valid responses.

Please let me tell you a bit about myself.

My childhood also contains sexual and physical abuse. Mentally, I was a nervous wreck. At school I was regarded as the class idiot. After I left home I became addict-alcoholic for 16 years. Throughout those years are volumes of stories and experiences I would not wish on my old enemies - not even my father.
At the age of 34 I was close to alcoholic death from internal hemorrhaging. I had two options, continue on self-sabotage or recover. I opted for recovery.
It was hard to change a lifetime of being a certain way. All my beliefs, philosophies of life, were twisted to support a life that just wanted to die. Recovery (to live) was foreign to me, and full of fear.
But if I wanted to live, I had no choice but to face my fears. I had a lot of help, and still do, from self-help groups and people like myself in recovery - just like yourselves.

For me, the main part of recovery was to learn the truth behind my life experiences.
First I had to trust and accept help from others.
Then be ruthfully honest to myself, and to those I trusted. This helped me to accept myself fully (abused, alcoholic, using others for self gain, etc, etc.)
Then I had to learn to change everything around that was twisted and untrue in me (not others).
From such self-honesty and changes in self, I was able to see the truth in others, including the insanity of my abusers.
Through similar identification of my own insanity, with others, I was able to forgive and let go of them. This took many years of recovery to fully understand and accept.
I have been changing and improving ever since I was thirty four.

In between those 26 years of recovery I went back to school. Gained a pass into university. Gained a degree in counselling. worked as a counsellor for ever since.
I know from experience that people can overcome adversities and change from a seemingly hopeless state of mind to one of good use to self and others.
As a good friend of mine says: "My life is not the old one polished up, but a brand new one beyond my imaginings of my past."

We can change if we are willing to work at it. (knowledge is the beginning of change, not the end).
Change takes practice, simulation, experimentation, prayer, trusting, taking a risk, facing our fears, etc.
If nothing changes, nothing changes. It is totally up to ourselves. Nobody can do it for us.
If we want it bad enough, we will do the work that is required for change.

My serenity is my measure of growth (change) in my life.

---------- Post Merged at 03:51 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 03:25 PM ----------


I agree with you. I still have boundaries that are for self protection, especially for physical abuse.

Sorry to have assumed others would understand my posts. Please forgive my intrusion.

No problem to me ... I've enjoyed reading what you have to say because it speaks to a place or state of mind where I would like to be.

Honestly, I've rarely known serenity and spend a lot of my time trying to focus on being alert -- and probably on guard.

But for years I never accepted how on guard I was so I've spent a lot of time over the past 10 years learning to accept that life is ambiguous and confusing to me. I am beginning to sense that is just a first step. As Carl Rogers said, "when I accept the way I am the path to change becomes easier."

 

[PrincessX]

Thanks Darkside and jollygreenjellybean. Very good and valid responses.

Sorry to have assumed others would understand my posts. Please forgive my intrusion.

Hello Peter, Sorry I was busy and could not follow the discussion on here earlier.

Let me tell you, to me your posts make perfect sense, they verbalize the things that I would like to say but I can still not dress up in words, because I am just arriving at them or aiming to arrive at them. I understand all your posts and they all sound true to me. Excellent perspectives coming from a very empowering personal philosophy. I really thank you for sharing them.

 

[Peter]

Hello all.

I have learnt some lessons on this thread, and I thank you all for partaking in my personal growth.

Hope we all can maintain our healthy boundaries, move forward, become less fearful, and experience more serenity.

 

[GDPR]

Peter,

Sorry that I got so upset and was rude to you.

I have been working so hard on setting/maintaining boundaries for the past 4 years in therapy and I became confused and upset because of the some of the things that were said here.

I think I misunderstood some things,and I apologize.

 

[Darkside]

For me, the main part of recovery was to learn the truth behind my life experiences.
First I had to trust and accept help from others.
Then be ruthfully honest to myself, and to those I trusted. This helped me to accept myself fully (abused, alcoholic, using others for self gain, etc, etc.)
Then I had to learn to change everything around that was twisted and untrue in me (not others).
From such self-honesty and changes in self, I was able to see the truth in others, including the insanity of my abusers.
Through similar identification of my own insanity, with others, I was able to forgive and let go of them. This took many years of recovery to fully understand and accept.
I have been changing and improving ever since I was thirty four.

I wish I had done this at 34. I'm 60 years old and just starting down this path. I never became an alcoholic, but my self-delusion is probably equal to that of many alcoholics.

One of the results of my childhood abuse is that I have episodes of explosive rage. Not often but every couple of years. This happened to me 2 years ago on a golf course. I blamed everyone else for days and tried to convince myself it was their fault - that they provoked me. But it damaged my relationship with 2 friends. One day I was thinking about it and I realized that I was viewing the episode like it was someone else - almost in the 3rd person. Then it dawned on me ... that was me acting out like that. Not someone else.

Suddenly I saw myself clearly and honestly - but without judgment.

That changed me forever.

Doesn't mean it won't happen again ... but then it hasn't happened again so maybe it won't. But if it does I will immediately know it. No more denial.

 

[PrincessX]

Thank you Peter and all other people on here. I initially understood that Peter was trying to enrich the discussion by giving a new perspective on unhealthy boundaries, on boundaries based on unrealistic fears.
As he pointed out, there is also real fears, real threats, dangers that we have to protect ourselves from in order to survive. Interesting thread. I learned a lot from all of you

 

[Peter]

Peter,

Sorry that I got so upset and was rude to you.

I have been working so hard on setting/maintaining boundaries for the past 4 years in therapy and I became confused and upset because of the some of the things that were said here.

I think I misunderstood some things,and I apologize.

Thank you Lost_In_thought. Your willingness to see something slightly different has altered you boundaries to accommodate further growth. This is how I have grown too.

Because you became confused and upset I have unknowingly crossed your boundaries, and for that I feel sorry, and apologize too.

Let's (you and me) accept our growing pains as we move forward.

 

[rdw]

So many times all of us are prone to believing that a post or thread is about us as individuals when it is not. It is about the human conditions and our weakness, insecurities and frailties as people. Rather than believing we are on our own, we are surrounded by others who have the same concerns but we seem to isolate ourselves. My hope is to free myself from those self doubts.

 

[Anahita]

what you wrote made me so sad that i cried. all of it is correct about me. in some days i will be 43 but i am still a codependent person that havent been able to be mature adult and i am miserable and i dont have boundaries. and it is all my family especialy mum's fault. sigh. i have been very very depressed and recently suicidal on and off even though i have been doing therapy and taking meds for many years.
i am so afraid of rejection that i ignore any boundary of mine and then i feel terrible or people do treat me really bad and i feel even worse afterwards. and it proves i am a bad person again, in my mind, if you know what i mean.i rarely can say no and that kills me because it always makes people disrespect me.
problem is i dont know what i want and who i am really. my psychiatrist and i are working on this codependency problem and he says i have made progress lately but i am so tired of my life that i just want not to exist. i just wrote him an email and tell him so. also in my country,Iran, it is even much worse when a woman have a loose boundary than others and i have much more problem.i am not a stupid person. i am educated and talented but my emotional health is a mess. i need to set my boundariesbut it is not easy at all. actually i think it is impossible for me and i said that to my doctor too.

 

[Retired]

i need to set my boundaries but it is not easy at all. actually i think it is impossible for me

Anahita,

We are each to masters of our own lives, and nothing is impossible. It may be difficult, especially when having to overcome some personal issues, but it sounds like you are receiving therapy and making progress.

What would be a typical situation in your life where you feel that your boundaries are being violated?

 

[Anahita]

for example today my efriend of 16 years, started a fight with me and insulted me and told very bad things to me just because i told him that i went to a party 2 weeks ago with some girls and guys and had a good time. he told claimed he was angry because he was worried about me because i am very vulnerable and they may hurt me( with is so stupid because we were 18 people there!) and anyway he didnt have right to insult me for that. but you know what i did? i didnt show how much i was angry of that much insult and that i was thinking it was not his business and instead i tried to calm him down and asked if i can do anything to make him feel better and tried to explain there was nothing to worry and that i love him. sigh.... now, i hate myself... i cry sooooooooooooooooooooooo much..... i hate myself sooooooooooooooooooooooo much..... and this anger is suffocating me. i know i didnt want to lose him but why should i want him in the first place??????? he told me: your dad is lucky that is not here( my dad passed away some years ago) to see your behaviour!..... as if i am a whore!....and funny is one of my problems i discuss with my psychiatrist is not having sex at all !!!!!!!.....
now i am suicidal and i think i have right to be like this. i have no respect for myself. i let him treat me like...
i dont really know how to respect myself and how to be who i am and how to show my true feelings . it seems too scary.