I really don't know if this is the right forum for my question...
...so i apologize in advance if I have missed it.
Ok, I don't know how to start, or even how to explain everything that is bothering me. I will try somehow, and I hope you will be able to understand me.(sorry for some mistakes, but English is not my mother tongue).
When I was really young I believed that world is a happy place, and that bad things happens only to other, unknown people. I was a very active, playful and cheerful kid. I lived with my dad, mom, sis and bro.
But than at age of 10 my father died, and I don't know how to explain but it didn't affect me that much. At least I thought it didn't. Than one year later, war broke out in my country and my family and I had to move to another part of the country.
Than my bro was in one city working, my mother in another and my sister and I were living with my mothers grandparents.
I went for one year in school in that town. And thats when I have realised that people are mean, and in 90% they wish u harm. I had to admit I was a bit odd. I talked different than other kids, and i was a bit girly.
After that one year we went to live with my mom. And we were living for 4 years in 2 different apartments, they were around 25-30m2 big.
And since we moved to the bigger city, difference was even bigger to that what I once called home.
It was really tough. I got abused by other kids and than even more because I didn't wanna sit quietly. But 1vs5 was not that fun. At that point I didn't wanna mentioned anything to my family cause they had enough problems as it was.
Eventually I got running inside my self. Shutting out all people around me. Didn't wanna make friends, was afraid to step out of my building, etc.
Then I started going to another school(high school, 14yo, education sistem is probably different). And at beginning wasn't that different. but eventualy I managed to be as evil as they are, so the whole abusing thing was a lot better.
But than...Somewhere in 1st grade(of high school) I had realized that I am homosexual. But I kinda gave a vow to myself, That I will never be with a man even if I have to spend whole life alone. At start it was only a sex thing and girls attracted me more as persons. And at 3th grade that was a bit stronger(probably cause of hormones) . I had started to meet some guys over internet. I met a couple of them, but nothing happened cause they all wanted sex, and I kinda thought that some sort of relationship would be in order first. So i quited that.
And since that point to now, whole my view was changing. First guys just attracted me sexually, than they attracted me as persons too, and now I am at point where I'm not that attracted by men or women in sex way. I just wanna be with someone...
But than, I was always a bit shy. At least since war. I never was satisfied with my looks (even thou I don't look so bad). generally I am afraid of realationship and sex and everything that has to to with it. One friend told me that Im afraid of connection with anyone. Maybe that is true.
I went to psychologist once. We talked for 3 sessions and than i stopped going. Cause 2 of 3 sessions I walked out crying. That was a bit odd to me, I know that only when I think about my father that I cry but generally not about other things.
And here we come to the last part.
At the end of my high school I found out that I had some kindey problems. And I have been treating if so far(2.5 years). Im taking some very serious medication. And still no improvement. I have some hair loss, and some weight gain. And this kinda didn't help my confidence.
And since I had headaches for 4-5 years doctor gave me some anti-depressives in small amounts. In that way its working against migraines. Thats why I was so sensitive and i was crying over everything(now I am going off those). Mainly even thou I am still sick, I am hoping for a normal recovery, and that this medication wont affect my future health. But it made me realize the power of life. And I have to admit that many times before I was thinking of suicide(but I could never done that to my family), many nights I was wishing about a day when I would just disappear, and everything would be as I have never even existed, none would remember me, etc. Now those bad thoughts are gone.
So everything that had happened to me so far is I guess not that big of a deal. Million of kinds go thought the same and worse things.
But in my case all of this caused me to be unfriendly, a bit locked up inside myself, i judge people too fast, scared of any intimate contact, having big doubts in myself, and just thinking that I will never be good enough. And even if now i realize some of this things, and i can see how it will end up if I go on this way I cannot get rid of them...
This is a long story, If anyone even read it whole. There are more things that probably had influence on my way of thinking but it would be even longer tryin to write those all down...
Im not sure what I want, Im have been lost for a while now.
I think that headaches are on some psychical basis. And if i sort some things out they would go away.
I cannot talk about this with anyone. I would not like to go to psychologist again. And I cannot talk with my mother. I would not like to worry her more than she already do. I cannot talk to my "friends" cause mostly the know me as a type that doesent care about anything, and it would be kinda weird opening to them. I just dont want to be alone anymore. Just need a hug from time to time.
And mainly I dont want some grudges about things that happened in the past to held me down for the future.
I am 20 yo now.
...so i apologize in advance if I have missed it.
Ok, I don't know how to start, or even how to explain everything that is bothering me. I will try somehow, and I hope you will be able to understand me.(sorry for some mistakes, but English is not my mother tongue).
When I was really young I believed that world is a happy place, and that bad things happens only to other, unknown people. I was a very active, playful and cheerful kid. I lived with my dad, mom, sis and bro.
But than at age of 10 my father died, and I don't know how to explain but it didn't affect me that much. At least I thought it didn't. Than one year later, war broke out in my country and my family and I had to move to another part of the country.
Than my bro was in one city working, my mother in another and my sister and I were living with my mothers grandparents.
I went for one year in school in that town. And thats when I have realised that people are mean, and in 90% they wish u harm. I had to admit I was a bit odd. I talked different than other kids, and i was a bit girly.
After that one year we went to live with my mom. And we were living for 4 years in 2 different apartments, they were around 25-30m2 big.
And since we moved to the bigger city, difference was even bigger to that what I once called home.
It was really tough. I got abused by other kids and than even more because I didn't wanna sit quietly. But 1vs5 was not that fun. At that point I didn't wanna mentioned anything to my family cause they had enough problems as it was.
Eventually I got running inside my self. Shutting out all people around me. Didn't wanna make friends, was afraid to step out of my building, etc.
Then I started going to another school(high school, 14yo, education sistem is probably different). And at beginning wasn't that different. but eventualy I managed to be as evil as they are, so the whole abusing thing was a lot better.
But than...Somewhere in 1st grade(of high school) I had realized that I am homosexual. But I kinda gave a vow to myself, That I will never be with a man even if I have to spend whole life alone. At start it was only a sex thing and girls attracted me more as persons. And at 3th grade that was a bit stronger(probably cause of hormones) . I had started to meet some guys over internet. I met a couple of them, but nothing happened cause they all wanted sex, and I kinda thought that some sort of relationship would be in order first. So i quited that.
And since that point to now, whole my view was changing. First guys just attracted me sexually, than they attracted me as persons too, and now I am at point where I'm not that attracted by men or women in sex way. I just wanna be with someone...
But than, I was always a bit shy. At least since war. I never was satisfied with my looks (even thou I don't look so bad). generally I am afraid of realationship and sex and everything that has to to with it. One friend told me that Im afraid of connection with anyone. Maybe that is true.
I went to psychologist once. We talked for 3 sessions and than i stopped going. Cause 2 of 3 sessions I walked out crying. That was a bit odd to me, I know that only when I think about my father that I cry but generally not about other things.
And here we come to the last part.
At the end of my high school I found out that I had some kindey problems. And I have been treating if so far(2.5 years). Im taking some very serious medication. And still no improvement. I have some hair loss, and some weight gain. And this kinda didn't help my confidence.
And since I had headaches for 4-5 years doctor gave me some anti-depressives in small amounts. In that way its working against migraines. Thats why I was so sensitive and i was crying over everything(now I am going off those). Mainly even thou I am still sick, I am hoping for a normal recovery, and that this medication wont affect my future health. But it made me realize the power of life. And I have to admit that many times before I was thinking of suicide(but I could never done that to my family), many nights I was wishing about a day when I would just disappear, and everything would be as I have never even existed, none would remember me, etc. Now those bad thoughts are gone.
So everything that had happened to me so far is I guess not that big of a deal. Million of kinds go thought the same and worse things.
But in my case all of this caused me to be unfriendly, a bit locked up inside myself, i judge people too fast, scared of any intimate contact, having big doubts in myself, and just thinking that I will never be good enough. And even if now i realize some of this things, and i can see how it will end up if I go on this way I cannot get rid of them...
This is a long story, If anyone even read it whole. There are more things that probably had influence on my way of thinking but it would be even longer tryin to write those all down...
Im not sure what I want, Im have been lost for a while now.
I think that headaches are on some psychical basis. And if i sort some things out they would go away.
I cannot talk about this with anyone. I would not like to go to psychologist again. And I cannot talk with my mother. I would not like to worry her more than she already do. I cannot talk to my "friends" cause mostly the know me as a type that doesent care about anything, and it would be kinda weird opening to them. I just dont want to be alone anymore. Just need a hug from time to time.
And mainly I dont want some grudges about things that happened in the past to held me down for the future.
I am 20 yo now.
