David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Ex-Hill staffer becomes face of mental health campaign
By Louisa Taylor, Ottawa Citizen
August 20, 2012
Laurie Pinard used to have many things. A thriving career as a political insider on Parliament Hill. A pretty apartment with an entire bedroom dedicated to her wardrobe of power suits, killer heels and bags from Louis Vuitton, Coach and Burberry. Most beloved of all, a “gorgeous, white, Volkswagen Rabbit, fully loaded, with a vanity plate that said ‘WHTBUNNY.’”
Pinard sighs, then laughs, as she wistfully catalogues losing all of that and more when her world collapsed under the weight of mental illness three years ago. But nostalgia gives way to the hard-earned affirmation that she has since gained so much more — more insight into who she is, why she is the way she is and what she can do about it.
“Even though I own nothing, I live in my parent’s house and get by on disability, my life now is way more happy, fulfilling and healthy than ever before,” says Pinard. “I’m amazed that I’ve come through what I’ve come through and I’ve got my priorities straight. It might sound corny, but I really do feel I have everything right now.”
Pinard isn’t used to telling the story of how she got from there to here, but she’s about to get a lot of practice. The 44-year-old Ottawa native is one of five Canadians selected to be the Faces of Mental Illness for 2012, starring in a national publicity campaign set to launch during Mental Illness Awareness Week in October.
“I was always terrified of the stigma, of letting the world and my friends know that I suffer from mental illness,” says Pinard. “But if I can get through it, if I can survive on this journey, then other people can do it, too.”
Pinard believes she has dealt with symptoms of bipolar disorder on and off since her 20s but never had a name for it. She describes a fun-loving and energetic young woman revelling in the drama of everyday life. Hoping to make a difference in the world, Pinard channelled her energy into provincial politics, working first for Ottawa MPP Garry Guzzo and later for then deputy premier Ernie Eves in Toronto. Later she returned to Ottawa to work with members of the Canadian Alliance and subsequently for Conservative cabinet ministers including Newfoundland politician Loyola Hearn.
To the outside world, Pinard was dedicated to her work, meeting with federal bureaucrats, strategizing with colleagues, making the boss shine. But inside, Pinard alternately rode the highs of mania — speeding down highways at 200 km an hour, spending money with no thought of where it was coming from — and was paralyzed by despair and “anxiety so bad I couldn’t leave my own bedroom.”
“Anything I had left in me would go to my work life. When I left there to come home, I would completely fall apart,” says Pinard.
Pinard knew something wasn’t right. She tried different medications and talked to therapists but says she never got a clear diagnosis and nothing worked. So she used that outgoing, larger-than-life personality to mask her mania. On the days when she was so depressed she could barely function, she simply lied.
“When people would ask me if I am okay, or ‘What’s wrong?’ I would always tell them something else, that I had an illness in my family, and that’s why I’m down,” said Pinard. “I never faced what was happening to me.
“When you don’t deal with it, it doesn’t get better, it doesn’t go away, it just gets worse.”
Pinard says she “hit rock bottom” in 2009, just as she was beginning a new job with then-minister of industry Tony Clement. She felt “just crushed, just incapable.” There was a suicide attempt and time spent in hospital, but still no disclosure to anyone but her loyal and supportive parents.
“I chose to walk away from my job and lose everything, instead of coming forth and getting the help I need,” she says.
One in five Canadians will have a mental health problem in a given year, but only a minority of them will seek help, says Karen Cohen, chair of the 2012 Mental Illness Awareness Week of CAMIMH, the Canadian Alliance of Mental Illness and Mental Health.
“The goal of the Faces campaign is to have people who have the courage and resilience to come forward and tell their stories and make it real for people,” says Cohen. “By convening public conversations, what we do is send a message that mental illness happens and people need to talk about it, and then we need to be able to offer people the services and supports they need.”
Pinard spent the next two years in darkness. There were more attempts to kill herself, more time in hospital. She had to declare bankruptcy and move back into her parent’s home. She gave up her beloved VW Rabbit and sold her designer bags on eBay to raise some cash.
“I couldn’t get up, couldn’t leave my room, didn’t eat properly, didn’t wash,” Pinard says. “Some of my thoughts were not even my own. The sheer battle I’ve had with suicidal thoughts is an element unto itself. When they come to you, you think they’re real, you think they’re right, and there’s no logical thought process anymore.”
Finally, says Pinard, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, one crucial step to understanding herself. After that, “I realized, ‘Okay, I didn’t die, so I now have to face life — what am I going to do?’ I made up my mind to take this thing on, to take ownership of my illness and take responsibility for my life and every problem in it. When I made that shift in my head, then I started fighting. I fight for my health every single day.”
Pinard wages her battle with the help of a psychiatrist she adores, a therapist she trusts and a regimen of nutritional supplements. She has also taken courses, offered by Mood Disorders Ottawa, that have helped her learn valuable skills for managing her illness.
Two other ingredients have been critical: The love and unwavering support of her parents — “without them I’d be on the streets” — and her dedication to physical fitness. Last January, Pinard took a course at the Running Room, hoping to lose weight. Within a short time she became a group leader, then an instructor.
“In running everybody comes up against challenges — injuries, motivation, you name it,” says Pinard. “I am very fulfilled when I can help others, somehow let other people know I’ve had a fight on my hands and I’m here to tell the story and you guys can, too — no matter what kind of obstacle you have.”
Pinard isn’t interested in returning to politics. Even the fact that Mental Illness Awareness Week launches with a special breakfast at the Parliamentary Restaurant doesn’t impress her. She has her eye on becoming a social worker, to use her experience to help others. She’s hoping to take a single course next January, a trial run to see if she’s strong enough to go back to school.
Pinard says she is building a new normal, hour by hour, day by day, “not being too high, not being too low, but somewhere in the middle where you can handle life with much better ability.”
“My story is the fight, the fact that I had no belief in myself before that I could get better,” says Pinard. “I’ve come through and I’m a survivor. I would like to one day say ‘I beat mental illness.’ I’m not there yet, but that is one thing I really want to be able to say.”
The other Faces of Mental Illness include: Renfrew native Dustin Garron, creator of The Mental Health Project; Sandra Yuen MacKay, an artist and author from Vancouver; Alicia Raimundo, a motivational speaker from Pickering; and Chantal Poitras, a volunteer with the Canadian Mental Health Association from Fredericton, New Brunswick.
For more information about the Faces of Mental Illness campaign, visit the Canadian Alliance on Mental Health and Mental Illness website.
By Louisa Taylor, Ottawa Citizen
August 20, 2012
Laurie Pinard used to have many things. A thriving career as a political insider on Parliament Hill. A pretty apartment with an entire bedroom dedicated to her wardrobe of power suits, killer heels and bags from Louis Vuitton, Coach and Burberry. Most beloved of all, a “gorgeous, white, Volkswagen Rabbit, fully loaded, with a vanity plate that said ‘WHTBUNNY.’”
Pinard sighs, then laughs, as she wistfully catalogues losing all of that and more when her world collapsed under the weight of mental illness three years ago. But nostalgia gives way to the hard-earned affirmation that she has since gained so much more — more insight into who she is, why she is the way she is and what she can do about it.
“Even though I own nothing, I live in my parent’s house and get by on disability, my life now is way more happy, fulfilling and healthy than ever before,” says Pinard. “I’m amazed that I’ve come through what I’ve come through and I’ve got my priorities straight. It might sound corny, but I really do feel I have everything right now.”
Pinard isn’t used to telling the story of how she got from there to here, but she’s about to get a lot of practice. The 44-year-old Ottawa native is one of five Canadians selected to be the Faces of Mental Illness for 2012, starring in a national publicity campaign set to launch during Mental Illness Awareness Week in October.
“I was always terrified of the stigma, of letting the world and my friends know that I suffer from mental illness,” says Pinard. “But if I can get through it, if I can survive on this journey, then other people can do it, too.”
Pinard believes she has dealt with symptoms of bipolar disorder on and off since her 20s but never had a name for it. She describes a fun-loving and energetic young woman revelling in the drama of everyday life. Hoping to make a difference in the world, Pinard channelled her energy into provincial politics, working first for Ottawa MPP Garry Guzzo and later for then deputy premier Ernie Eves in Toronto. Later she returned to Ottawa to work with members of the Canadian Alliance and subsequently for Conservative cabinet ministers including Newfoundland politician Loyola Hearn.
To the outside world, Pinard was dedicated to her work, meeting with federal bureaucrats, strategizing with colleagues, making the boss shine. But inside, Pinard alternately rode the highs of mania — speeding down highways at 200 km an hour, spending money with no thought of where it was coming from — and was paralyzed by despair and “anxiety so bad I couldn’t leave my own bedroom.”
“Anything I had left in me would go to my work life. When I left there to come home, I would completely fall apart,” says Pinard.
Pinard knew something wasn’t right. She tried different medications and talked to therapists but says she never got a clear diagnosis and nothing worked. So she used that outgoing, larger-than-life personality to mask her mania. On the days when she was so depressed she could barely function, she simply lied.
“When people would ask me if I am okay, or ‘What’s wrong?’ I would always tell them something else, that I had an illness in my family, and that’s why I’m down,” said Pinard. “I never faced what was happening to me.
“When you don’t deal with it, it doesn’t get better, it doesn’t go away, it just gets worse.”
Pinard says she “hit rock bottom” in 2009, just as she was beginning a new job with then-minister of industry Tony Clement. She felt “just crushed, just incapable.” There was a suicide attempt and time spent in hospital, but still no disclosure to anyone but her loyal and supportive parents.
“I chose to walk away from my job and lose everything, instead of coming forth and getting the help I need,” she says.
One in five Canadians will have a mental health problem in a given year, but only a minority of them will seek help, says Karen Cohen, chair of the 2012 Mental Illness Awareness Week of CAMIMH, the Canadian Alliance of Mental Illness and Mental Health.
“The goal of the Faces campaign is to have people who have the courage and resilience to come forward and tell their stories and make it real for people,” says Cohen. “By convening public conversations, what we do is send a message that mental illness happens and people need to talk about it, and then we need to be able to offer people the services and supports they need.”
Pinard spent the next two years in darkness. There were more attempts to kill herself, more time in hospital. She had to declare bankruptcy and move back into her parent’s home. She gave up her beloved VW Rabbit and sold her designer bags on eBay to raise some cash.
“I couldn’t get up, couldn’t leave my room, didn’t eat properly, didn’t wash,” Pinard says. “Some of my thoughts were not even my own. The sheer battle I’ve had with suicidal thoughts is an element unto itself. When they come to you, you think they’re real, you think they’re right, and there’s no logical thought process anymore.”
Finally, says Pinard, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, one crucial step to understanding herself. After that, “I realized, ‘Okay, I didn’t die, so I now have to face life — what am I going to do?’ I made up my mind to take this thing on, to take ownership of my illness and take responsibility for my life and every problem in it. When I made that shift in my head, then I started fighting. I fight for my health every single day.”
Pinard wages her battle with the help of a psychiatrist she adores, a therapist she trusts and a regimen of nutritional supplements. She has also taken courses, offered by Mood Disorders Ottawa, that have helped her learn valuable skills for managing her illness.
Two other ingredients have been critical: The love and unwavering support of her parents — “without them I’d be on the streets” — and her dedication to physical fitness. Last January, Pinard took a course at the Running Room, hoping to lose weight. Within a short time she became a group leader, then an instructor.
“In running everybody comes up against challenges — injuries, motivation, you name it,” says Pinard. “I am very fulfilled when I can help others, somehow let other people know I’ve had a fight on my hands and I’m here to tell the story and you guys can, too — no matter what kind of obstacle you have.”
Pinard isn’t interested in returning to politics. Even the fact that Mental Illness Awareness Week launches with a special breakfast at the Parliamentary Restaurant doesn’t impress her. She has her eye on becoming a social worker, to use her experience to help others. She’s hoping to take a single course next January, a trial run to see if she’s strong enough to go back to school.
Pinard says she is building a new normal, hour by hour, day by day, “not being too high, not being too low, but somewhere in the middle where you can handle life with much better ability.”
“My story is the fight, the fact that I had no belief in myself before that I could get better,” says Pinard. “I’ve come through and I’m a survivor. I would like to one day say ‘I beat mental illness.’ I’m not there yet, but that is one thing I really want to be able to say.”
The other Faces of Mental Illness include: Renfrew native Dustin Garron, creator of The Mental Health Project; Sandra Yuen MacKay, an artist and author from Vancouver; Alicia Raimundo, a motivational speaker from Pickering; and Chantal Poitras, a volunteer with the Canadian Mental Health Association from Fredericton, New Brunswick.
For more information about the Faces of Mental Illness campaign, visit the Canadian Alliance on Mental Health and Mental Illness website.
