Facing reality - when should you accept the fact that you cannot make therapy work

[Marcel]

It would seem to me that if you have tried working with several different therapists (for periods spanning 6 months to over 3 years) and you cannot reach a point where you can openly talk to them, then you need to face the reality that you are not able to succeed at therapy and all you are doing is wasting the therapists' time. If you outright lie to them, refuse to disclose your real thoughts, will not participate in a medication program and cannot look them in the eye for months and years on end, then you need to acknowledge the fact that you are never going to make any progress in therapy. It isn't a matter of an unfit client-therapist match because several options have been tried. It isn't a matter of insufficient time because many sessions have been attended with absolutely no change in thinking or improvement. The problem lies in the client's spirit/soul being unwilling or unable to change.

At some point, I think that as much as you are desparate in your life for a connection (with the therapist), you need to accept that you do not have (and never will have) what it takes to make therapy work. And you have to give up that connection with the therapist, because as much as you want and need it, it is unproductive and therefore selfish.

There comes a point where you have to accept that if you will not talk/cannot force yourself to talk in therapy and are incapable/unwilling to change, that you have to pay the consequences of that and give up your therapist.

Don't you think there comes a point where you have to acknowledge that if you haven't been able to make changes, that it is because you can't/won't and never intend to?

Curious about any of your thoughts on this...surely you have to give up at some point as much as it might hurt?

(for someone who can't talk/write in/for therapy, this post certainly rambles on...)

 

[Jazzey]

Have you thought of the reasons why you won't talk? Would you be too uncomfortable to express what you've stated here to your therapist? Even if it's only a snippet: for instance, just telling your therapist that you aren't comfortable, and that you have not been revealing your true thoughts. And maybe go from there?

I'd hate to see you give up your therapy Buffy. And your therapist is in the absolute best position to help you will all of the above. :hug: :hug:

 

[Ade]

I'M sorry you feel let down.

What type of therapy did you try?

At what point did you feel that it was a waist of time?

When you felt that therapy was not working did you tell the therapist?

Whjat did you expect therapy to do for you?

Did you have any goals set or what type of progress did you hope for?

Sorry for the questions, but I need a bit more to go on.

Kind regards
Ade

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At some point, I think that as much as you are desparate in your life for a connection (with the therapist), you need to accept that you do not have (and never will have) what it takes to make therapy work. And you have to give up that connection with the therapist, because as much as you want and need it, it is unproductive and therefore selfish.)

The therapeutic relationship with the therapist is important, but the most important connection is with your inner self.If you view the therapist as just a tool for your own exploration to-wards trying to understand your own Resistance too change.

Kind regards
Ade

 

[almost50]

Hi.

I'm not sure if you are talking about yourself or someone you are close to in this post. If you are talking about yourself, I am sad that you are in a place where you feel so bad you can't see a better future - at least in terms of therapy.

You used the word never. Never is a long time. In order to live, one has to deal with people. In dealing with people we are dealing with a huge unknown. And since we don't know what these interactions will bring, I would not be comfortable with using the word never. But that's just me.

On another subject, I am curious. You said that if therapy is unsuccessful, then its wasting the therapist's time. First, if one shows up on time, rarely cancels, and pays the therapist, then its the client's time. It's a therapist's job to work with people in pain and who are suffering terribly. Otherwise they would be a circus clown. If a client does not talk in therapy, I suspect the therapist often thinks that the client must be in great pain. (I say "often" because no therapist is perfect.) They may also be frustrated. But, if the therapist is frustrated, then there is material to work with!

Second, why is therapy a selfish act (successful or not)? I think it is a selfless act - one goes through a private hell, whether or not therapy is successful, to improve themselves in some small way.

Third, unless one is "fired" by their therapist, then perhaps one is actually more successful that one originally thought. If one is "fired", however, another therapist may work out better. Unless one lives in a very very small community there is always another. I think finding the right therapist is like buying a swimsuit - one may have to try on a lot of them to find a good fit. (many guys won't get this)

One day, when I told my therapist "I'll never change, things will never get better" she responded in an interesting way. She said "I don't work with lost causes." Hence, as long as she doesn't "fire" me, I am not a lost cause. I suppose I could do something to violate the boundaries of therapy and thereby prove that I was a lost cause. Wouldn't that give us something to talk about!

In summary, sometimes when one is not at one's emotional best, life just "sucks" in every way it can. It usually gets better though. As for this therapy thing, when I have a run of bad sessions I try to identify a time when therapy worked (even a little). I know I will get back there someday because never is a very long time.

Best wishes to you and I hope you can channel some moment when you were happy.

 

[Halo]

Buffy,

Just because the therapy that you have tried (and I am assuming that you are talking about yourself in that first post) so far doesn't work, doesn't mean that all therapy is doomed. I went through 3 therapists for 10 years before I found one that I could actually look at, open up to and trust. It took a lot of years of wanting to give up but not doing so because I knew that there had to be something better than the life I was living.

What type of therapy have you tried? There are so many that are available and one that I personally liked was Art Therapy. While I only did it for a short time, it was great because you aren't suppose to look at the therapist being that you are drawing and you can draw whatever you are feeling without saying it outloud. Anyway, again there are many different types of therapy and kinds of therapists. Just because a few haven't worked....please don't give up forever.

Take care

 

[Into The Light]

If you outright lie to them, refuse to disclose your real thoughts, will not participate in a medication program and cannot look them in the eye for months and years on end, then you need to acknowledge the fact that you are never going to make any progress in therapy.

you could do that. but that's not the only option you are left with. the other choice is to take the first step and acknowledge to your therapist that this is a serious barrier and that you need their help with it.

you could ask yourself why you do this. why are you not opening up? why won't you take the medication? is it fear, is it stubbornness, is it anger, is it something else?

therapy can be very difficult and hard work, i won't lie to you about that. but my experience with it is that it's not all bad. i have learned to trust another human being to a level i never knew was possible. i have received so much understanding and compassion and empathy that i never knew was possible. the support i have gotten from my therapist is invaluable, and with that comes enormous gratitude and respect for her. it has been very healing to have someone who has compassion for me and what i've been through, and for this to be genuine. it at times feels like it has been life saving to have someone like that that i could trust to pull me through and get me through various crises that a regular person without training would not have been able to do.

therapy can be hard and painful but if you allow it, you can form a bond with your therapist and have them help you get through things in a safe way.

i hope this helps a bit. don't give up on yourself, because i really don't think you are a lost cause. i suspect you are really afraid of therapy / opening up / trusting someone. having lied about the medication certainly complicates matters for you right now, but you could come clean about it. they may be surprised, they may have suspected it, but it can be worked out. a therapist will understand you have had your reasons for it and those are things that can then be explored together.

 

[Marcel]

I'M sorry you feel let down.

What type of therapy did you try?

At what point did you feel that it was a waist of time?

When you felt that therapy was not working did you tell the therapist?

Whjat did you expect therapy to do for you?

Did you have any goals set or what type of progress did you hope for?

Sorry for the questions, but I need a bit more to go on.

Kind regards
Ade


The therapeutic relationship with the therapist is important, but the most important connection is with your inner self.If you view the therapist as just a tool for your own exploration to-wards trying to understand your own Resistance too change.

Kind regards
Ade

Thanks for your supportive response. I don't really know the answers to your questions (which I'm sure contributes to my issues) but I will definitely give them a lot of thought.

 

[littlepieces]

It would seem to me that if you have tried working with several different therapists (for periods spanning 6 months to over 3 years) and you cannot reach a point where you can openly talk to them, then you need to face the reality that you are not able to succeed at therapy and all you are doing is wasting the therapists' time. If you outright lie to them, refuse to disclose your real thoughts, will not participate in a medication program and cannot look them in the eye for months and years on end, then you need to acknowledge the fact that you are never going to make any progress in therapy. It isn't a matter of an unfit client-therapist match because several options have been tried. It isn't a matter of insufficient time because many sessions have been attended with absolutely no change in thinking or improvement. The problem lies in the client's spirit/soul being unwilling or unable to change.

At some point, I think that as much as you are desparate in your life for a connection (with the therapist), you need to accept that you do not have (and never will have) what it takes to make therapy work. And you have to give up that connection with the therapist, because as much as you want and need it, it is unproductive and therefore selfish.

There comes a point where you have to accept that if you will not talk/cannot force yourself to talk in therapy and are incapable/unwilling to change, that you have to pay the consequences of that and give up your therapist.

Don't you think there comes a point where you have to acknowledge that if you haven't been able to make changes, that it is because you can't/won't and never intend to?

Curious about any of your thoughts on this...surely you have to give up at some point as much as it might hurt?

(for someone who can't talk/write in/for therapy, this post certainly rambles on...)

Hi Buffy I am sorry you seem to be having a difficult time trying to make sense of therapy.

As for thinking you are wasting their time, I also think that quite regularly, but then think I am paying for this service so the only time I am wasting is mine and money! So then that makes me slightly more determined to try and make use of the sessions, not that I am succeeding at this yet!

The other thing is if you have decided you wont succeed then yes I feel you will find it nearly impossible but if you think you can’t then that’s something you can try and address and think that maybe you can. Maybe thinking how far you have come will help. I know many people who would never be brave enough to even consider therapy at least you have made the first few steps and I am starting to really believe that it is these small steps that hopefully will get us there. Regardless of how long it takes, surely it’s better to take a life trying to find the answer than not to try at all because if you don’t try you will always be left with the question what if?

Hope you can feel a bit better about it all.

Thinking of you

littlepieces

 

[Ryan Howes]

Thanks for your post, Buffy. Your situation brings many thoughts to mind, some that apply to your situation some are a bit of a tangent. I hope you don't mind me musing on them a little.

It seems you're frustrated because you aren't progressing at the pace you believe you should. Your therapy has taken a long time, and it's still difficult to speak openly and reap the benefits on a regular basis. You need to know that progress looks different for everyone - we're all tortises or hares or something in between. It may be that just showing up regularly and making small talk is the best you can do right now. If you are expecting to have immediate insights, dynamic interactions with the therapist and life-changing decisions each week you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. Therapy textbooks are filled with stories of clients who move slowly and gradually, but eventually find the healing they desire. If you work with your therapist to set achievable, gradual goals (1. showing up, 2. talking about your week, 3. talking about your feelings, etc.) you may feel that sense of accomplishment that makes continuing more appealing.

Your openness in this post tells me you have a lot to say and are definitely capable. The thoughtful responses above give good pointers on how to raise the issue with your therapist. I'd say giving yourself permission to move slowly and gradually, while setting reasonable short-term goals might bring some joy back to the process.

Now on to a different point that is only tangentially related to your post. Many of the posts I've read in this forum mention clients being "fired" (or being afraid of getting "fired") by their therapist. Perhaps I'm in some sheltered therapy world, or maybe there are cultural/national differences represented here, but that concept is rather new to me. In my circles, therapists may refer a client to another clinician with a specialty that better suits the client, they'll retire or quit for personal reasons or the therapy will terminate when both parties agree it's time. But most of the time, clients fire therapists (or cut and run, or other methods mentioned in my Termination articles). The client pays and the therapist provides the service, making the client the boss and the therapist the employee. To fire a client is actually firing yourself from a job you claim to do well.

I don't doubt the fact that therapists sometimes abandon clients unnecessarily. This is a serious problem that is dealt with strongly. Under my license, this is deemed unethical and worthy of reprimand.

If client firing does happen with some regularity, it makes me upset with my profession. Therapists choose this field, study and train for the work, and then ditch the very people they once wanted to help? To me, that's like a plumber abandoning leaky pipes or a grass cutter getting upset when the grass grows. It's what we're trained for and paid well to do.

Early in my training I was in a group supervision meeting with young fellow therapists who were venting about their work and complaining a little about difficult clients. The supervisor, a wise woman, said: "Hmmm, these sound like challenging people. They should be in therapy." No more griping after that.

Best wishes, Buffy.

 

[Into The Light]

buffy, i think what ryan said about accepting that the process is going to be slow and not to expect huge changes every week makes a lot of sense. i don't know if maybe you're just not seeing the progress you have made? sometimes i have thought i wasn't getting anywhere and i'd talk to my therapist about that and she would show me how much i had progressed... it was just that i didn't see it, but from the outside looking in she could see so much.

i am also thinking maybe you are at a crossroads in therapy. i've hit those. i've hit many moments where i thought, should i still be going, is there any sense, am i done? these points in therapy have caused me a lot of turmoil and soul searching, and maybe this is what is happening with you right now. maybe your worry that you haven't gotten anywhere is a sign that you are ready for the next step but you're scared of it too?

I don't doubt the fact that therapists sometimes abandon clients unnecessarily. This is a serious problem that is dealt with strongly. Under my license, this is deemed unethical and worthy of reprimand.

this statement has made an impact with me. i had a therapist who basically made the decision to end therapy and i was having difficulty trying to get him to understand that i wasn't done yet. i did some pretty obvious things that would show that i was needing more help but no go. i felt totally rejected by him and it was awful.

with regard to clients fearing to be "fired", it is a common fear that people have. i have read it on various mental health forums and i think it comes down to the client's insecurity. they look up to the therapist who in a sense is in a position of power, even though they are basically hired by the client. they're in a position of power because the client is vulnerable, and quite often i think the client has issues around assertiveness and a fear of being rejected. i also know that when a therapist refers a client to someone else who would be better equipped to help the client, the client initially very easily can still feel abandoned and rejected and wondering why their therapist won't help them. it's hard for them to see that by being referred their therapist is helping them by doing what is best for the client. it's just that it doesn't feel like it's best for the client because they've made a connection with this therapist, and going to someone new can be distressing.

i hope this makes some sense and let me know if you need me to clarify.

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thread has been split to Thread split: therapists clients - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum.

 

[forgetmenot]

thanks Into The Light the part abt a therapist trasferring the care to another hit home because you do feel quite abandoned and feel you were at fault for the melt down but now i sort of see it was for better because now i have a therapist who doesn't get upset withme and is not in a rush to get things done he will work at my pace and my understanding at what is going on i don't feel threatned and yes sometimes i too feel i am not going anywhere in the sessions i have had but the therapist states i have been progessing even though i didn't knowit thanks mary