Fantasizing

[pocono]

It's been a long time since I've been on line here. I've been doing much better for the past year. Depression has lessened; I've come to some understanding of past destructive actions on my part, and I continue to get good therapy from an understanding therapist for over five years now.

I'm posting because of a recurring question which has come to a head for me today in therapy. For many years I have discussed my fantasies with my therapist, especially those that deal with him. And there are many -- not sexual either. I've often wished to read some about fantasy -- what purpose does it serve, what is "normal", what isn't.....how to control obtrusive fantasies, etc. Any recommendations on this front would be welcome. I've tried googling fantasize and you can imagine the things that have come up!

Anyway, the question that came to a head for me today was about my therapist. I asked him if he ever has any fantasies about me. Big, scary question. One I've thought often enough, but never had the guts to ask. I don't mean sexual fantasies, by the way, but any kind of fantasy, good or bad.

Well, he answered no. And this was deeply disappointing to me. Deeply disappointing. I had hoped after five years that I might have affected him enough for him to fantasize about me in some way. How do I understand this? How do I understand my deep disappointment? I found myself today more sad and anxious then I have felt in over a year. It is like the bridge between me and my therapist just collapsed; it feels that terrible.

Any insight would be appreciated.

Pocono

 

[Cat Dancer]

Re: fantasizing

Don't you think though that it would be much worse if he HAD fantasized about you? That would totally freak me out. It just wouldn't be appropriate. And I don't just mean sexual fantasies either.

 

[healthbound]

Hi pocono,
I wonder if maybe you interpreted it to mean that he doesn't care about you? Just because he hasn't had fantasies about you doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.
I don't have fantasies about my friends or family, but I care very much for them and they are most certainly on my mind.
Or maybe I'm not understanding what you mean by fantasies?

 

[pocono]

I know he cares about me. He has demonstrated that time and again. But that is an intellectual understanding. I think that emotionally, I still sometimes question that. And this certainly is one of those times.

 

[cleofet]

I think I know what you are talking about. I am a female 57 years old daughter of a narcissist. I have very little self confidence or self esteem. I have really no friends, hate talking on the phone and cling to my husband as though there is an umbilical cord attaching us. Sometime (most times) I think my therapist is only talking to me because she is getting paid. I am paying for a friend that really isn't a friend. Kind of makes me feel even worse that I have to pay for it. Again this is not sexual.

 

[MoGlow]

It's been a long time since I've been on line here. I've been doing much better for the past year. Depression has lessened; I've come to some understanding of past destructive actions on my part, and I continue to get good therapy from an understanding therapist for over five years now.

I'm posting because of a recurring question which has come to a head for me today in therapy. For many years I have discussed my fantasies with my therapist, especially those that deal with him. And there are many -- not sexual either. I've often wished to read some about fantasy -- what purpose does it serve, what is "normal", what isn't.....how to control obtrusive fantasies, etc. Any recommendations on this front would be welcome. I've tried googling fantasize and you can imagine the things that have come up!

Anyway, the question that came to a head for me today was about my therapist. I asked him if he ever has any fantasies about me. Big, scary question. One I've thought often enough, but never had the guts to ask. I don't mean sexual fantasies, by the way, but any kind of fantasy, good or bad.

Well, he answered no. And this was deeply disappointing to me. Deeply disappointing. I had hoped after five years that I might have affected him enough for him to fantasize about me in some way. How do I understand this? How do I understand my deep disappointment? I found myself today more sad and anxious then I have felt in over a year. It is like the bridge between me and my therapist just collapsed; it feels that terrible.

Any insight would be appreciated.

Pocono

The question I have is why do you feel it is important for him to fantasize about you, in any way? He is a professional and IMO, I think it's better if he sees you only as a patient. What do you think?

 

[cleofet]

I thnk sometimes for a depressed person it is even more depressing that we have to pay for someone to listen to us. If we have been going to a therapist for a long time we feel that the person is our FRIEND and that if they don't think about us sometimes that it is all just a big slap in the face and it reinforces our insecurities. Maybe I am reading this post all wrong but I know that is sort of how I feel sometimes.

 

[AmZ]

I thnk sometimes for a depressed person it is even more depressing that we have to pay for someone to listen to us. If we have been going to a therapist for a long time we feel that the person is our FRIEND and that if they don't think about us sometimes that it is all just a big slap in the face and it reinforces our insecurities. Maybe I am reading this post all wrong but I know that is sort of how I feel sometimes.

Hah, tell me about it.
My thoughts exactly.

It's tough.

 

[MoGlow]

I thnk sometimes for a depressed person it is even more depressing that we have to pay for someone to listen to us. If we have been going to a therapist for a long time we feel that the person is our FRIEND and that if they don't think about us sometimes that it is all just a big slap in the face and it reinforces our insecurities. Maybe I am reading this post all wrong but I know that is sort of how I feel sometimes.

Here is my two cents for what it's worth.

If you think of the therapist as a professional who is paid to help you get healthier rather than as someone you pay to be a friend, than you will understand why he can not become to emotionally invested in you. If a psychologist or a psychiatrist or even a General pratictioner (MD) was too emotionally involved with all his/her patients, they would soon be emotionally depleted. IMO, the doctor needs to stay detached so that he can remain objective about his patients and offer advice that is practical. In order to remain objective the doctor must detach emotionally, IMO. Also, the doctor needs to remain somewhat emotionally detached from the patient in order to survive emotionally and remain strong for his patients.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I think there is also some kind of hippocratic oath that is similar to what physicians have. Physicians have sworn to help you with physical maladies (although the more modern approach lately has been more wholistic/holistic view). Psychiatrists and other therapists are supposed to have your best interests at heart. If they had feelings for you, they probably would not disclose that information because this healing and therapy is all about you, not them. They would put themselves at great risk if they had anything other than a professional relationship with a patient... It's the same with a physician, school teacher, police officer, clergy member, or anyone else considered to be in a seat of relative power. The vulnerable who come to them are not to be taken advantage of in any way, even if it isn't sexually.

It's hard not to become attached to a therapist emotionally or otherwise. You were never able to tell anyone things that you tell your therapist. Some people who see therapists never used to get to talk, or get listened to, or get validated, or get helpful advice, or get attention. That therapist is probably the first person/one of the few people to show you some patience and understanding and listen to you. Some of the crap that's happened to us clients is so scary that if you told a regular person on the street (family member, co-worker, friend) what your dark secrets and details of dysfunctional family life were/are like, they can't handle it. That stuff blows their minds. Some of them back off and never talk to you again, or slowly let you slip away and lose touch. They just can't relate to it, or we feel so needy or wrecked that we start to drain the people we love emotionally. It's not intentional, it's just a by-product, it is what it is. Having a therapist with an objective view point can lessen the stress for everyone. The key here is the objectivity. You can't be objective if you lose the boundaries and become enmeshed with your patient.

Well, that's how I imagine it, anyway. I'm not a therapist, but it was explained that way to me by someone who IS a therapist. I even researched it... It's a very common phenomenon, falling 'in love' or 'in like' with your therapist. So don't feel bad, it's a completely normal thing, apparently.

I am still not sure what exactly you mean by fantasizing... Do you mean imagining him in your life as a friend to visit over a coffee with or adopting you like he was your sister/daughter? I may have the wrong concept of what your definition of 'fantasizing' means. You don't have to go into further detail if it makes you uncomfortable.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That's correct. Most therapists, whether they are psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, marriage and family therapists, or counselors, need to conform to ethical and legal guidelines laid out by laws and by regulations from their regulatory colleges. If you find a therapist who is not governed by such a body, it might be worth looking a little further for one who is. Among other things, these regulatory colleges also verify that the therapist has the proper training and expertise to be practicing in that area of psychotherapy.