Fear changed me

[rebecca8]

Either that, or it evolved me somehow into a tougher girl. People used to tell me that I was too nice, and oh so sweet. Now that I'm afraid of getting hurt AGAIN, I've shut down. I have a pretty low tolerance for people these days, and I stay home most of the time. I'm extremely afraid of men right now. I have lost all desire to even have a man love me.

I fell in love with this guy who I later found I never really knew. He was not your typical player. Lots of people said they thought he was so innocent. I wasn't the only one who was fooled. And now, I'm terrified of it happening again. If such a nice person could fool me, WHO can I trust? It feels like he stole something from me.

So, now I'm this scared little girl in hiding. I've locked myself up. I am afraid to let anyone in, and this is so contradictory, but I'm scared of being alone forever too. I feel like I'm gonna wither and die, if I haven't already. I've become bitter, jaded, resentful, and so distrustful. I had a reputation for being sweet and innocent, and this person degraded me behind my back. His friends said he bragged that I was obsessed with him, and they all made fun of me. I never knew about it until after he left town. How can some people be so selfish, and careless? He humiliated me, and that makes me so angry. I was a cheap one night stand to him, and he was too cowardly to admit that so pretended to be supernice, and I ended up telling him I loved him. Oh, and I'm not the type of girl who falls in love at the drop of a hat. In fact, I've only had one boyfriend in my life, and I'm not sure if I even was ever truly in love with him. Other guys who've wanted to go out with me, later told me that they used to tell this "boy" that he was the luckiest guy in the world because I loved him. I sometimes wonder if he was intimidated by me, so had make himself look better by tearing me down. Anyway, this is not the point anymore. I have changed. His friend even warned him that he'd "mess" me up. His reply was, "So." It makes me so mad that he can get away with treating someone so poorly, and just leave the mess behind him. I keep trying to tell myself that this excuse for a man is probably 10X more fearful than I am. But my own fear and anger has infected other areas of my life now, and I'm not sure how to stop it.

 

[ladylore]

Re: fear changed me

I am sorry you went through that Rebecca8. I know it can be hard to trust again after something like that. Are you seeing a therapist right now? What is your support system like?

Sometimes we do need to 'hibernate' for a bit to heal and that's ok. But not everyone is like that and I find that more people then not will treat you with respect and want the best for you.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

 

[rebecca8]

Thanks ladylore. You've replied to some of my posts before, and i've read other replies you've made to other people. You seem to know how to talk to people with compassion. It's very nice, thank you.
I want to see a therapist, as I do think I have many issues to work out, but just can't afford one right now. So, my only support at the time is myself, and sometimes this forum. I write a lot in a notebook just to try and get all the nasty thoughts out. I feel like I can't write about anything really raw anymore because a few years ago, my mom found it, and read it, then proceeded to interrogate me about it. She used to tell other people about my business too. I feel like I have to keep everything a secret now, but then sometimes I can't take it anymore, and then I tell someone stuff that is really too personal. Then I feel stupid later, like Why'd I tell THEM that? And I'm afraid they'll use it against me, think I'm crazy, or tell other people. It seems that I alienate myself from "normal" people. Also, 2 months ago, I sent the guy I was talking about a letter, and I heard that it turned out to be a joke between him and friends. Some women write the guy that broke their heart a letter to heal, but silly me goes ahead, and actually sends it. I don't think you're supposed to do that. Sometimes, it feels like I intentionally set myself up for humiliation. I don't know, maybe it's anticipation of the worst, and I want to get it over with already, 'cause anticipation is really uncomfortable. I remember being that way as far back as in the first grade. It's almost like I don't think people could possibly really like me, so I try to get the truth out. It seems kinda masochistic to me. I think I know how it all started, but don't really want to go into it now. But, thank you ladylore, for your response. It helps to know sometimes that I'm not just talking to myself.

 

[Halo]

Rebecca,

I had the same thing happen with my mom and my journal so now I started to do online journalling which is password protected so there is no chance in heck of her or anyone else ever reading it. I have tried different programs offered online but most are a 3 month trial after which you have to pay and they are really good but if you don't want to spend the money, I have found that use using something like Word and typing like a regular journal and saving it with a password words just as well.

Just a thought to get around the issue of having your writings being seen or read by anyone.

Take care :heart: