fear of men

[cm]

After reading one of the recent posts regarding a relationship with a father, I realized that, although not very obvious to observers, I have a deep fear of men. This is a new revelation to myself, as I had never thought of myself as being like this before, and now I see it. I remember having a constant, low grade kind of fear that was always an under current of our family life. I also see that because I have had some frightening experiences with males over my life, I am nervous and very guarded around men. In my experience, and historically, men have often hurt women, and this is a very painful issue to live with.
cm

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Is this an initial fear? i.e., of men you don't know? Do you have male friends and/or does the fear decline after you get to know a male?

 

[cm]

It is a nervous, feeling about any men who are single. Then, I keep any relationship totally practical. If I sense the person seems nice, I don't trust my judgment, or their actions. I start thinking there is an underlying motive, and that I am going to be used. I think I forgo even allowing time to get to know the person in general out of a fear of what might happen. The only males that I seem to feel comfortable with are ones that are attached and are not interested in looking for a partner.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Okay. Now what does "keep the relationship totally practical" mean -- does it mean you are cautions, on guard with htat person until you get to know him and figure out whether or not he can be trusted? or does it mean you put up a wall and lock the gate?

 

[cm]

Oh, I mean that I keep things impersonal,and if they seem to be heading in a personal direction, in conversation, I leave and try to avoid the person as much as possible in the future.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Forever? So that you aren't giving yourself a chance to find out whether that person is trustworthy or not, ever?

 

[ThatLady]

It sounds like you don't have this feeling about men who aren't single. That makes me wonder if, perhaps, it's the committment (and the personal involvement) of a relationship that you fear, rather than the man himself. It's something to think about.

 

[cm]

That's right. It's as if I feel fine with unavailable men because I don't feel threatened by them (most of the time). I have had many threatening experiences over the years in varying degrees. As for the committment part, I have this fear that I will committ myself to a relationship and then discover at some point that I'm 'stuck' with someone in my life that I don't want to live with after all (and vice versa--that they will not continue to love me; or that they will want me to 'be' a certain way for their continued committment). I think maybe I like to have friends, but like to live on my own.
cm

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Interesting. I think that many people, both men and women, experience that feeling at least at times, cm. But it sounds in your last post more like a fear of commitment / being trapped / loss of independence than a fear of men per se...

 

[ThatLady]

Yep. That's how it sounds to me, too, Dr. Baxter.

You've got to decide what you really want, cm. Not everyone is meant to be married, or in a long-term relationship. Some people get along perfectly fine on their own, and are happiest that way. Other people want someone to commit to, and with whom they can share their lives. There is no right and wrong either way. It's a matter of preference.

You need to decide which way is your way, hon. )

 

[cm]

I have built up a lot of anger at men who hurt women and children.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think most of us who have seen the results of men who have hurt women and children have a lot of anger, cm.

There's no doubt that there are some evil people in this world. But it's a shame to let that prevent any of us from recognizing that there are also a lot of good people. Finding that balance between caution (and even healthy cynicism) and walling yourself off from good people is the trick.