Feel so bad

[Lonewolf]

I have been in agony as a result of an inflicted injury which I really regret doing!! I was supposed to go to my parents this weekend to help them out because they are aging and not in good health these days, but I have just got off the phone with them and I have upset them because I said 'No' for the first time in a very, very long time and I feel so awful about that now!! I just didn't think I would be any use to them as I am in agony!! I am overcome with guilt and fear!! I honestly am in pain, but maybe I should go!! My relationship with the family is still very volatile and strained!! I don't want to widen the rift between them and me!! I am so selfish!! I hate myself right now!! I inflicted this on myself and I have just made it 10x worse!!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

If you are in pain, you need to take care of yourself first.

 

[forgetmenot]

Your parents should understand that you need to look after YOU first your pain your wound you first and when you are strong enough then tell them you can come help them

 

[Retired]

I believe the point being made by Dr. Baxter and ForgetMeNot, Lonewolf, is to suggest that you can use this opportunity as a learning experience on how to take back control of your life.

You told us your aging parents were upset because you told them you were unable to come to their home because you have another priority. Your inability to yield to their demand has apparently resulted in your feeling guilt:

I have upset them because I said 'No' for the first time in a very, very long time and I feel so awful about that now!!

I assume you are an adult, living away from your parents' home with a life of your own. As an independent adult, you should be able to deal with your parents in an adult to adult manner, meaning that sometimes you have priorities in your own life that need immediate attention, such as your current recovery from an injury. Your parents should be able to understand from one adult to another, that sometimes saying you are not available at this particular moment, means just that...you are not available but you will arrange to be there at another convenient time.

Your reaction of guilt sounds like you feel you must obey your parents' commands, and if you do not, you are a bad person and therefore feel guilt as would a child dealing with an adult.

Adults negotiate with adults, until a mutually acceptable agreement can be reached. This should be true between family members (parents and adult children) as well, meaning sometimes it's OK to say "No, not this time, but let's set it up for another time....what would be convenient for you?"

Of course if it were an emergency, you might handle it differently, but it doesn't sound like an emergency for your parents, this time.

You need to make the priority your own return to good health, meaning do what the doctor advised to heal your injury, and learn from that injury experience to resolve your stress in ways other than injuring yourself.

 

[Lonewolf]

It's a fear that goes back a very long way!! I am not very confident about this life!! In the not too distant past, my parents seemed to punish me if I didn't do as they requested and cut me out of the family completely until I surrendered!! I know this sounds daft and taking into account that I have been living independently since I was 15, I can't even contemplate the thought of not seeing them ever again, as I have been in the position where it did happen for several years and I don't think I can do it again!!!! I have never dealt with all that stuff that has happened and to think that I may never get a chance, really does my head in!! I totally get this sounds so stupid for someone of my age!! I am overwhelmed at the thought of being in this gigantic world all on my own! Again, I know I probably have been alone, but right now it all seems so intimidating! I'm not feeling well, in fact I am unable to think very straight about most things, everything is seriously worrying me!! I can't help thinking about everything all at once, it won't slow down for even just a little while!! I know this is all a load of waffle and I can't apologise enough!

 

[Retired]

Lonewolf,

I am sorry that your experience as a child has had such an effect on your self confidence.

It's a fear that goes back a very long way!! I am not very confident about this life!! In the not too distant past, my parents seemed to punish me if I didn't do as they requested and cut me out of the family completely until I surrendered!!...........I totally get this sounds so stupid for someone of my age!!

No I don't think it sounds stupid at all. You were deeply hurt by the insensitivity of family members who neglected to give you the respect and self confidence you should have received growing up.

Perhaps it was a cultural thing where your parents saw their children as possessions that they command without consideration for the feelings of the child, but as adults who received unsatisfactory treatment from a parent (and I am one of them) it can help if you can work on understanding what may have influenced their inappropriate behaviour. In my case it was from being poorly educated and lack of awareness along with my parent coming from a dysfunctional family background.

It took me years to come to that understanding, and with the help of a therapist I was able to come to terms with it.

One strategy that helped me was to write a frank and uncensored letter to my Father (who, by the way was deceased by that time) but writing that letter, though never delivered, of course, was the most cathartic process I could have ever done for myself.

Have you ever considered writing a letter to your parents, telling them how their actions made you feel at the time and how those actions have affected your life, even to this day?

Whether you choose to deliver that letter or not is irrelevant, but you may find that the process of writing it, as painful as it may appear to be, may help you in your ongoing quest to regain control over your life.

You are an adult now, and in charge of your own life...no one can punish you for your choices and you have the power, as an adult to say NO when you want to.

 

[Lonewolf]

I have done the 'letter' thing before and then ceremoniously burnt them!! Unfortunately, it helped initially but that was very short lived! I would never actually give it to them because I don't think that anyone would see it the way I see it!! Kind o flike banging my head on a brick wall!! It's a great theory though!! As I grew up, my dad used to strongly reprimand my younger brother and me, if we showed any emotion other than happy!! It never happened to my sister and the other brother and that I have never really understood!! I think this punishment has severely effected me my whole life! I still sometimes feel that some of my emotions are wrong and that I shouldn't feel them!! It's confusing!!

 

[Retired]

I still sometimes feel that some of my emotions are wrong and that I shouldn't feel them!!

I think that realizing that that your emotions are not compatible with situations in your life and that the emotions you feel are distorted might be your strongest reason to seek therapy to work out the issues that are at the root of the distortions.

You have your life ahead of you, and you deserve and are entitled to live it with the best possible quality of life. We are not destined to live with errors that may have been previously made; but I firmly believe we have an obligation to ourselves to take the necessary measure to modify the effects of those errors to improve the quality of our life going forward.

You have made tremendous progress since you joined us on Psychlinks, showing courage and determination. I believe you are capable of improving your situation..all you need is to take the steps needed to get professional help in the form of therapy.

 

[Lonewolf]

I have recently spoken to the mental health team and they don't think that they have anything to offer me, having said that, they told me that they would ring me and let me know the outcome!! I am trying so hard to cling on, it just doesn't feel like it should be so difficult all the time!! I am still waiting for the r*** counselling!!

 

[Retired]

I understand that sometimes the medical system can be difficult to navigate and that initial responses may have to challenged.

From what I understand, there is an appeal process for NHS medical system decisions in the U.K. and you may have to advocate on your own behalf or get someone to advocate on your behalf to get the services you need.

 

[MHealthJo]

Yes, yes, please try to find an advocate for yourself, Lonewolf - go into the link that Steve has provided, and other resources, and see what you can find.

Your parents are so, so unhealthy for you. They offer you nothing. They offer you control, guilt, disrespect, and hurt day after day. That is why you are in the situation you are in.

Good health for you will mean untwining yourself from this relationship, unfortunately - or at least setting some extremely different boundaries and 'terms' on it. Today was a positive thing, not a negative thing.

At the end of the day, if you walk into a fire pit, sit in a lion's den, or swim in acid, you will be suffering and in pain. I hope that you can find resources and motivation to choose to no longer go into those environments and no longer have those horrible relationships that only hurt you.

As humans we do feel needs for care and support and some type of love. And sometimes we have to eventually just realise that we have been unlucky, and it is not going to come from our natural parents. No matter what we do. All we will get is pain from them. And as you said - how much time are we willing to spend, beating our head against a wall.

There is a Chinese proverb and Dr Phil uses it too - "Why on earth would you keep doing the same thing, but expect to get a different result."

But we can find these positive things elsewhere.

And it starts with building our self-esteem and boundaries, and part of that is saying no to certain things and changing our decisionmaking. Just like you have just done.

Well done.

xox