Forever Guilty

[neubanger]

Hello, found this site from a search engine looking for a daily mood chart. Once I got here I was curious and started looking around and it seems very interesting.
I'm 56 years old. Male. I divorced my wife of 33 years 18 months ago. Three children, 27, 25, 18.

Since I was raised Catholic and attended Catholic schools all my life I have a life long love affair with guilt. Since I can remember. Always a battle and have probably been somewhat depressed most of the time. Have taken "mood stabalizers" for years, along with therapy. I had pretty much learned to live with it.

This divorce has me tied up in knots. My ex is a nice person who has not caused anyone any harm. Nothing about her to dislike. But die to an infatuation with a childhood sweetheart I ended the marriage. The infatuation ended as reality set in.

Here is the deal: I can't get the guilt under control. I constantly thinnk about the damage done to her. But the real issue is the harm I caused my children. They were shocked and very. very upset. I have treated my ex very well and continue to support her. I spend a great deal of time with the kids and express to them my remorse for the trauma I caused.

I have really gone into a tailspin with this guilt and depression. I see a therapist and am trying really hard to get it under control but I am a long way from there today.

Sooooo, I'm finished whining. But I am open to any suggestions or resources or hints or anything else one might have to offer.

 

[HA]

A warm welcome to you, Nuebanger.

Hopefully you can find some support here. The end of a marriage is tough to go through. At least you are taking really good care of yourself by seeing a therapist and following your treatment for depression.

Glad you joined us.

 

[ladylore]

:welcome:neubanger.

My suggestion would be settle down with a cup of tea, coffee...and start to read the sections that most interest you on the forum. The sections that are "Sticky" may be of interest to you.

 

[Mari]

H! ladylore. What does "Sticky" mean? Mari

 

[ladylore]

No problem Mari - what I meant are the posts that have the title of Sticky. These posts are the first ones you see with many of the sections. For example, the general pschology section has this section. Check out the link and you will know what I mean. General Psychology

 

[emery2027]

Hi neubanger,

Looking forward to hearing more from you!

 

[Halo]

Hi Neubanger and welcome to Psychlinks :welcome2:

I am glad that you decided to join us and I hope to see you around :wave:

 

[sunset]

Hi and welcome to the forum...

I guess the grass isnt as green as we think it is, huh? I have to admit, that I am glad it bothers you. You are better than a lot of people who think nothing of hurting those they love, and you owned up to it, feel remorse and are trying to do right by your family now.
I think you just have to keep at it. You will have to also learn to forgive yourself and move on.
Do you want your wife back, and is there a chance that you two can work it out?

 

[matilda]

Hello Neubanger, I'm wondering if you use your guilt to beat yourself up with, like a form of self-punishment and that maybe if god see's how much your suffering he wont punish you. Im sorry if thats way out of line, but I have a christian friend that believed if she punished herself sufficiently, God wouldnt. It took awhile but she now see's god as the source of love and compassion.
I wish you well.

 

[Daniel E.]

Evolutionary psychology can provide some cold comfort by giving one a better idea of human limitations and tendencies, e.g.:

Evolutionary psychology - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Mind-Sexual-Choice-Evolution/dp/038549517X/ref=si3_rdr_bb_product/002-6366661-0599202

As I have posted before, one way of seeing how guilt and low self-esteem can be more common in people with depression is rank theory:

One important contribution of rank theory is that it has proposes a hypothesis of how depression actually evolved: it emerged as the yielding component of ritual agonistic conflict. This has been called the yielding subroutine (Price and Sloman, 1987). The adaptive function of the yielding subroutine is twofold: first, it ensures that the yielder truly yields and does not attempt to make a comeback, and, second, the yielder reassures the winner that yielding has truly taken place, so that the conflict ends, with no further damage to the yielder. Relative social harmony is then restored.

Depression: rank theory

Another way of looking at chronic guilt is that, like depression, it focuses more on the problematic past than on the actionable future, like trying to drive by looking only in the rear-view mirror.

 

[Aggress]

Hey man, you don't have to feel guilty at all!!!

You have 3 grown -up kids and not trying that childhood - infatuation thing would have been the real crime, if you had the chance.

So what u did is a brave thing, i look up to you. And later you can get back your family if you want to, so don't worry

 

[David Baxter PhD]

And later you can get back your family if you want to, so don't worry

Maybe not. That's up to the family members, isn't it?

 

[Aggress]

hehe, if they don't want him back, then it wasn't such a big trauma for them that he left in the first place, so he has even less reason to feel guilty

 

[David Baxter PhD]

if they don't want him back, then it wasn't such a big trauma for them that he left in the first place, so he has even less reason to feel guilty

I'll have to disagree with you there. The reason someone might not want a family member "back" is often because the leaving WAS hurtful and traumatic and they don't want to risk going through all that again.

 

[Aggress]

hmm, if we really want a person back, then we'll take her/him back, no matter the risks. A little emotional this and that is nothing compared to having someone we love ?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

hmm, if we really want a person back, then we'll take her/him back, no matter the risks. A little emotional this and that is nothing compared to having someone we love ?

This was a betrayal of trust. I think you underestimate the lasting effects of this on the person who was betrayed.

My points in this thread are not intended to make neubanger feel any worse or any more guilty than he already does. However, your minimization of the effects on his wife and children do not help neubanger at all and they are somewhat insensitive to others who have been through similar experiences.

 

[Into The Light]

a belated welcome to you neubanger :welcome:

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

It is difficult when someone from the past, that you used to hold very dear pops up and confuses things. I don't think that your actions were any indication about how you feel about your family, only actions of someone that has been triggered into remembering his feelings as highschool infactuated boy, no less- which can be overpowering.

Aggress - I don't want to offend you but I have to disaggree a little with your opinion that 'if the family loves him then they'll take him back.' When you have trusted in someone for such a long time, it is extremly hurtful to have that trust thrown in your face, so to speak.

But as has already been said, neu, I think that you are doing all you can. I would never expect them to take you back because you actually really love them, and don't think that you should expect that either, but with time and love, and showing them that you are there for them, you may be able to slowly build that trust up again, and then - who knows??

One more point. If I were in your situation, I wouldn't over emphasize your guilt when communicating with them, because they may feel pressured into seeing things your way, which could lead to anger.

All the very best to you all.