Freaking Out

[phoebe22]

It took three years of hard work ("sensible" eating) to get down to a weight I could tolerate, but ever since Christmas I've been packing it back on again. I didn't do any baking at Christmas and couldn't afford to make a dinner (not much point anyway ... Xmas dinner for one is kind of a downer) but all the people I rarely see the other 11 months of the year kept bringing me "goodies" and all it takes is a polite nibble for {extra pounds} to attach themselves to my gut.

:hissyfit:

And then the cost of everything caught up with me and I've had to resort to what I call the Food Bank Diet - not the way to go if a person is trying to control their weight but I have worked so hard to not go on starvation mode that I carried on making sure my stomach didn't get so empty I started enjoying that hollow feeling.

And then there are the meds. They keep me from spinning out of control (ADHD) and help me sleep and reduce the incidence of disconnection, but ...

What with one thing and another, my metabolism has slowed to a crawl and I can't kick it into gear no matter what I do.

:sob:

I'd resisted getting on the scales, but broke down the other day. Bad idea. I have {some weight} to lose and I want it gone NOW!!

:yuk:

I've got Food Bank stuff in the cupboards and fridge and no $$ to go get something that won't put the lbs on me quite so fast or in such huge chunks, and this is waking up the compulsion to stop eating entirely. Every bite of food tastes like poison, and I'm starting to get really angry/depressed that I can't burn it off with exercise. If I started doing the kind of exercises that would maybe help burn some of this off, I'd last maybe 3 days before I went into a crash and barely be able to move at all.



I'm too old to start fasting without serious consequence, but I can feel it coming on like a runaway freight train.

Why is it that when I look at other people I don't see their size but only the person, yet when I see myself I see hideous hugeness.

More to the point, how am I supposed to remain invisible if I'm big as the side of a freakin barn?

:hair:

 

[Retired]

Phoebe,

How much exercise is there in your weekly schedule, I am not referring to marathon races or pumping iron, but rather half hour walks or other activities that require physical effort?

Have you ever evaluated your food choices to help develop strategies for weight control?

 

[phoebe22]

Phoebe,

How much exercise is there in your weekly schedule, I am not referring to marathon races or pumping iron, but rather half hour walks or other activities that require physical effort?

Have you ever evaluated your food choices to help develop strategies for weight control?

Are you asking me if I know how to lose weight? I've been dancing with ana for over 45 years. 16 months ago I was {very underweight} and passing out a lot, which is when I resolved to be "sensible" and as a consequence ended up where I am now.

But to answer your questions:

I exercise as much as I'm able every day. Usually something fairly vigourous at least 45 mins, as well as toning nearly every waking minute. I have ME and FMS + osteoarthritis, which means I can't do as much as I used to.

I evaluate my food choices constantly (not much choice when you rely on the food bank, but I do what I can). I'm also well versed in nutrition; unfortunately, what I know and what I can actually do are often two different things.

---------- Post added at 11:58 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:06 AM ----------

Reasons for resisting the siren call of Ana are plain enough: if you don't eat, you die. When you factor in such health issues as M.E., the problem gets that much more "challenging":

[...] the hearts of M.E. patients only barely pump enough blood for them to stay alive. Their circulating blood volume is reduced by up to 50%. Thus M.E. patients are severely limited in physical, cognitive and orthostatic (being upright) exertion and sensory input.

This problem of reduced circulating blood volume, leading to cardiac insufficiency, is why every brief period spent walking or sitting, every conversation and every exposure to light or noise can affect M.E. patients so profoundly. Seemingly minor 'activities' can cause significantly increased symptom severity and/or disability (often with a 48-72 hour delay in onset), prolonged relapse lasting months, years or longer, permanent bodily damage (eg. heart damage or organ failure), disease progression or death.

(source: M.E. deaths - The Hummingbirds' Foundation for M.E.)

I have been forced, almost since onset, to exceed limits on a regular basis because those lining up to volunteer in the taking-care-of-Phoebe department were conspicuous by virtue of their absence. Throwing in compulsive, excessive exercise and frequent, prolonged periods of under-nourishment compounds the danger.

These two factors ... the consequences of ana + over-exertion in M.E. ... are why I'm "freaking out". The sensible adult knows she's playing Russian roulette; the person with the messed up head and overwhelming need to count her bones doesn't think in terms of danger or self-preservation. Part of me is sitting here right now trying to contain my panic over having achieved a "nornal" weight while the other part is frantically calculating how quickly she can become invisible again.

Hope that clarifies a bit; I'm awfully muddle-headed today ...

Phb

 

[Retired]

Are you asking me if I know how to lose weight?

Not necessarily, what I was asking is if you had evaluated your food choices with good nutrition in mind in order to control your weight at a sensible level, and you have answered that you are well versed in nutrition and that you exercise; both to your credit.

That said,

what I know and what I can actually do are often two different things.

What do you think needs to be done to help you make the choices based on what you know to be right?

 

[phoebe22]

What do you think needs to be done to help you make the choices based on what you know to be right?

If you're speaking in terms of specific food choices, a livable income would be a good place to start. I've sacrificed everything I can (I need my computer/internet for the few little jobs I'm able to get or I'd be able to save another few $ there) and I'm still left with too much month at the end of my income. It's really as simple as that. I can make "healthy choices", but those never go the distance. I can eat healthfully for a week, then it's back to the Food Bank. Unless, of course, I eat only one very small meal once a day.

Just to keep things interesting, my food tolerances keep changing. What keeps me at a tolerable weight will work well for a few months and then suddenly I'm gaining and have to find something else, some other combination which won't send my weight shooting up the scale and throw me into Ana Panic.

If you're speaking in terms of being able to gain control over the problem itself, I don't know. When there's no such thing as "too thin", one lives a life of extremes, and I (obviously) am not having much success getting the upper hand.

Right now I have two tins of chicken noodle soup, some rice, and some soda crackers (courtesy of the Food Bank) to carry me over the next two weeks. At that time I will no doubt attempt yet again to find something nutritious, affordable, and low-cal/low-fat. Success far from guaranteed.

What I'll do in the meantime I don't know.

Does that answer the question? I'm so muzzy-headed these days it's really hard to tell if I'm making any sense.

 

[Retired]

How does the food bank allocate the quantity and choice of food for its clients?

Are there any social agencies that can assist in providing what you need?

 

[phoebe22]

How does the food bank allocate the quantity and choice of food for its clients?

Are there any social agencies that can assist in providing what you need?

The food bank divides whatever has been donated into lots, which are given out depending on number of people. A single person usually receives a single grocery-sized plastic bag. Occasionaly they have a rack of "oddball" items from which people can select three ... usually things like soap, toothpaste, condiments. Typical bag contains Kraft Dinner, Ramen-style noodles, pasta, rice, jelly powder, instant "juice" powder, tinned veg (corn and green beans most common), 1-2 tins of soup, ditto pork and beans, a tin tuna or salmon, packets instant oatmeal or small box cereal. There is no choice what a person receives unless they choose to not take something offered due to allergies; there's no exchange or substitute.

I have availed myself of every community/social service and financial aid for which I qualify, and it used to make a huge difference. Now that the cost of living has gone up by something like 20%, it still helps, and life would be frankly impossible without it, but it still doesn't get me to the end of the month.

Any wonder I laugh when someone suggests I suffer from a Generalized Anxiety Disorder? Generalized my asterisk; I know exactly what makes me anxious, and I know it will never end.

Yay