Freedom and Responsibility
by Dr. Dan Bochner
This article is about what is probably the most common issue in parenting teens, the balance between freedom and responsibility.
Responsibility is essential to doing good work, having good relationships, and creating a successful life. That’s certainly not news! But if everyone knows that fact, why is it so hard to encourage it in our children; and why is it so hard to understand what that means in our relationships? There is a simple formula that makes the workings of responsibility comprehensible for everyone. This formula facilitates movement toward taking more responsibility in all facets of our lives. It points to ways we can cultivate responsibility in our children, and it clarifies what it means to be responsible within our families. This is the formula: Freedom = Responsibility.
Freedom and responsibility are forever in balance. This simple fact can be seen everywhere. Babies have no freedom (of course, we’re talking about freedom of will, not freedom of impunity) and they have no responsibility. As children get older, the more responsibility they take on (chores, caring for a pet, doing a good job on homework), the more you, as a parent, should trust them. The more you trust them, the more you will let them do what they want. As adults, we have all the freedom in the world bounded only by cultural norms and laws (beliefs, of course, are our own, and thus we are free to believe in them). But in the balance between freedom and responsibility, it is important to notice that freedom comes at the price of responsibility. Unless we do take responsibility in a large variety of ways, we will have little freedom.
The Freedom = Responsibility equation is of supreme importance in child rearing because, unfortunately for parents, it is quite common for children to believe they should be allowed to do whatever they want in spite of the fact that they have very little responsibility. Their home, their food, their clothes, their insurance, their telephone, their use of a car, their physical well-being as a whole, is not their responsibility. That is why their freedom is rightly held in their parents’ hands. Now look at the freedom that parents have. Sure, we parents can do whatever we want, but if we don’t go to work, we can’t pay the bills. If we don’t communicate with our children, we worry that they will feel unloved. If we don’t discipline our children, we worry they will not be ready for the world in which they will have to take responsibility. The fact is, there is a reason we can do whatever we want. It's because we have chosen to take responsibility.
In turn, it goes without saying that us parents tend to want our children to become responsible, too. Helping our children develop responsibility is a never-ending, back and forth process between letting go of, and then gathering in, the proverbial reins. In order for children to learn to take responsibility, parents have to lengthen the tether they have on their children till they find out how much responsibility their children can handle. When children demonstrate that they have too much freedom by doing things that are clearly irresponsible, it is our job to gather in the tether for the purpose of taking adequate care of our children. The irresponsible acts of children often cost money that our kids do not have, or really put someone in danger, thus making their importance obvious. But irresponsible acts can also include simply breaking our rules (whatever those rules might be, since we have the freedom to make those rules), or acting disrespectfully. Whatever those acts might be, clearly parents must intervene for the sake of society as well as four our children. It is actually neglectful to give our children freedom when they are obviously not ready for it. For one thing it can be dangerous, but we are also certainly responsible for what our children do if we unleash them upon the world without at least trying to temper their feral impulses.
The balance between freedom and responsibility is not only important with respect to general behavior as discussed so far. There is also a balance between freedom and responsibility within relationships. Although the concept of freedom and responsibility is more abstract in its application to relationships than it is in its application to child care, it is really the same thing. In relationships (even with and among children) trust is given when one's experience is consistent with being treated kindly, lovingly, respectfully, and safely. When a person takes responsibility for their impact on others, emotional and otherwise, those others will trust them and thus allow more emotional freedom. They will give them the benefit of the doubt when things don’t go as planned, and they’ll allow emotional closeness or intimacy. When a person is mean, uncaring, or untrustworthy, others will not allow that emotional closeness. They will be forever on the defensive, and in that guarded position, they too will be more likely to be aggressive or withdrawn in their responses.
Part of this interpersonal exchange is taking the responsibility to let people know when they have hurt you so that they can have the opportunity to take responsibility for doing so. If someone really cares about you, they will typically try their best not to hurt you. But they have to know what they've done that is hurtful, which means that you have to accept the possibility that you could be even more hurt and communicate to them that you have been hurt (see article “Communication from the Heart). You have to have faith in their love and let yourself be vulnerable. If you let someone who cares about you know that they have hurt you, they will try to change their ways. If you do make yourself vulnerable in this way, and you find that you are being hurt repeatedly in spite of it, then they are likely incapable of taking responsibility. If they cannot take that kind of responsibility, then they are incapable of the kind of love you deserve.
When a person takes responsibility for their actions, the things they do that hurt other people, and the things they need to do to take care of their own life circumstances, then they are allowed every freedom. That Freedom = Responsibility is one principle that applies to children as well as adults, and also applies to family situations, workplace issues, and even our intimate relations. The more this simple principle is accepted, the better people can get along. The more widespread is such acceptance, the greater will be the cohesiveness of any community. If it is applied to relationships as well as behavior, Freedom = Responsibility is the core principle of civility and culture. It is clearly true that we are all completely free. We have a choice in everything we do. But if there can be no denying that we are free, we must also see that the more we choose to take responsibility, the freer we tend to be.
Hi everyone, I'm a psychologist and author of two books, the first entitled The Therapist's Use of Self in Family Therapy and published 10 years ago, the second entitled The Emotional Toolbox: A Manual for Mental Health which is available in its entirety on my website, DrBochner.com (nothing for sale there nor any advertising, just a good resource).
by Dr. Dan Bochner
This article is about what is probably the most common issue in parenting teens, the balance between freedom and responsibility.
Responsibility is essential to doing good work, having good relationships, and creating a successful life. That’s certainly not news! But if everyone knows that fact, why is it so hard to encourage it in our children; and why is it so hard to understand what that means in our relationships? There is a simple formula that makes the workings of responsibility comprehensible for everyone. This formula facilitates movement toward taking more responsibility in all facets of our lives. It points to ways we can cultivate responsibility in our children, and it clarifies what it means to be responsible within our families. This is the formula: Freedom = Responsibility.
Freedom and responsibility are forever in balance. This simple fact can be seen everywhere. Babies have no freedom (of course, we’re talking about freedom of will, not freedom of impunity) and they have no responsibility. As children get older, the more responsibility they take on (chores, caring for a pet, doing a good job on homework), the more you, as a parent, should trust them. The more you trust them, the more you will let them do what they want. As adults, we have all the freedom in the world bounded only by cultural norms and laws (beliefs, of course, are our own, and thus we are free to believe in them). But in the balance between freedom and responsibility, it is important to notice that freedom comes at the price of responsibility. Unless we do take responsibility in a large variety of ways, we will have little freedom.
The Freedom = Responsibility equation is of supreme importance in child rearing because, unfortunately for parents, it is quite common for children to believe they should be allowed to do whatever they want in spite of the fact that they have very little responsibility. Their home, their food, their clothes, their insurance, their telephone, their use of a car, their physical well-being as a whole, is not their responsibility. That is why their freedom is rightly held in their parents’ hands. Now look at the freedom that parents have. Sure, we parents can do whatever we want, but if we don’t go to work, we can’t pay the bills. If we don’t communicate with our children, we worry that they will feel unloved. If we don’t discipline our children, we worry they will not be ready for the world in which they will have to take responsibility. The fact is, there is a reason we can do whatever we want. It's because we have chosen to take responsibility.
In turn, it goes without saying that us parents tend to want our children to become responsible, too. Helping our children develop responsibility is a never-ending, back and forth process between letting go of, and then gathering in, the proverbial reins. In order for children to learn to take responsibility, parents have to lengthen the tether they have on their children till they find out how much responsibility their children can handle. When children demonstrate that they have too much freedom by doing things that are clearly irresponsible, it is our job to gather in the tether for the purpose of taking adequate care of our children. The irresponsible acts of children often cost money that our kids do not have, or really put someone in danger, thus making their importance obvious. But irresponsible acts can also include simply breaking our rules (whatever those rules might be, since we have the freedom to make those rules), or acting disrespectfully. Whatever those acts might be, clearly parents must intervene for the sake of society as well as four our children. It is actually neglectful to give our children freedom when they are obviously not ready for it. For one thing it can be dangerous, but we are also certainly responsible for what our children do if we unleash them upon the world without at least trying to temper their feral impulses.
The balance between freedom and responsibility is not only important with respect to general behavior as discussed so far. There is also a balance between freedom and responsibility within relationships. Although the concept of freedom and responsibility is more abstract in its application to relationships than it is in its application to child care, it is really the same thing. In relationships (even with and among children) trust is given when one's experience is consistent with being treated kindly, lovingly, respectfully, and safely. When a person takes responsibility for their impact on others, emotional and otherwise, those others will trust them and thus allow more emotional freedom. They will give them the benefit of the doubt when things don’t go as planned, and they’ll allow emotional closeness or intimacy. When a person is mean, uncaring, or untrustworthy, others will not allow that emotional closeness. They will be forever on the defensive, and in that guarded position, they too will be more likely to be aggressive or withdrawn in their responses.
Part of this interpersonal exchange is taking the responsibility to let people know when they have hurt you so that they can have the opportunity to take responsibility for doing so. If someone really cares about you, they will typically try their best not to hurt you. But they have to know what they've done that is hurtful, which means that you have to accept the possibility that you could be even more hurt and communicate to them that you have been hurt (see article “Communication from the Heart). You have to have faith in their love and let yourself be vulnerable. If you let someone who cares about you know that they have hurt you, they will try to change their ways. If you do make yourself vulnerable in this way, and you find that you are being hurt repeatedly in spite of it, then they are likely incapable of taking responsibility. If they cannot take that kind of responsibility, then they are incapable of the kind of love you deserve.
When a person takes responsibility for their actions, the things they do that hurt other people, and the things they need to do to take care of their own life circumstances, then they are allowed every freedom. That Freedom = Responsibility is one principle that applies to children as well as adults, and also applies to family situations, workplace issues, and even our intimate relations. The more this simple principle is accepted, the better people can get along. The more widespread is such acceptance, the greater will be the cohesiveness of any community. If it is applied to relationships as well as behavior, Freedom = Responsibility is the core principle of civility and culture. It is clearly true that we are all completely free. We have a choice in everything we do. But if there can be no denying that we are free, we must also see that the more we choose to take responsibility, the freer we tend to be.
Hi everyone, I'm a psychologist and author of two books, the first entitled The Therapist's Use of Self in Family Therapy and published 10 years ago, the second entitled The Emotional Toolbox: A Manual for Mental Health which is available in its entirety on my website, DrBochner.com (nothing for sale there nor any advertising, just a good resource).
