More threads by porschenut

I am male, married with three kids, and our friends are married with three kids. Our middle boys are the same age and are friends. The parents have a really rocky marriage, and one night as the female was telling me (at a party) how rocky things were I asked if she wanted me to say anything. She said sure, and I said I would try, although the thought was not very pleasant. The next week I happened to see the husband at the local pub and I said some stuff to him that caused him to haul off and knock me across the bar. Pretty generic stuff really, like you need to dance with the one you brung, think of what you are doing to your kids, quit hanging out with that one guy friend all the time, ect..We were friends up to that point and as much as it was none of my business I said it. Well, suffice it to say I want nothing to do with him anymore, as he lied about what had happened to his wife and mutual friends and of course crossing the line and hitting me. IMHO nothing said gives a person the right to hit. Anyway, my wife continues to go to their house and see them like nothing happened, and this guy continues to hug her and act like nothing happened. I am pretty upset with my wife for her letting hime hug her and sit and chat, ect... She says I am acting 1, I say no way - she should not remotely be friends with someone who knocked her husbands block off. Any advice out there? Thank You

Daniel E.
My 2 cents....Yes, your position on the matter seems to be more understandable than that of your wife. I certainly would not be his friend anymore. However, she may feel there is no harm with her being friends with him. I would stay quiet about the issue unless she insists that you accompany her when she visits the couple for parties, etc. In other words, "pick your battles carefully." (I am single for a reason, so you will want to wait for others to chime in.)
Thanks, Daniel. I do understand the concept of picking your battles carefully, after all I would not want to die on this hill. That being said, I believe it sends the wrong signal to both the jerk and to me. Trust and respect are 2 attributes that I am losing fairly quickly where my wife is concerned.

Just like daniel, this is not a professional opinion.
But unlike Daniel, I am worried that if this is bothering you as much as I think it is, and you do not sort it out, then a tension will begin to fester. I do not know your wifes personality at all, but try to put yourself in her shoes, and think of an angle that would make her listen. What does she feel strongly about, and how can you take tips from that to make her see how strongly you feel about this situation.
I warn, though, if she has already called you childish, making a big scene will not help matters. Your conversation needs to be calm and relaxed, With references..... more like a debate really. ;)

calm and level headed all they way!


Daniel E.
Trust and respect are 2 attributes that I am losing fairly quickly where my wife is concerned.
I agree with you and Robin that you should not be quiet about the larger issues you mention. If it is a "debate," I would not focus on any particular event. I would just cite her handling of this situation as just one example of several or more other instances of where you felt disrespected, untrusted, ignored, etc. As you know, a common psychological technique which you probably have used many times already is to use "I" statements that focus on your emotions---not on value judgements of her behavior or motives. For example, "I feel....when you..." rather than "I feel you shouldn't have..."

That being said, I believe it sends the wrong signal to both the jerk and to me.
Forgive this Seinfeld reference to signals in relationships:
JERRY: Yeah, but how could you be so sure?
GEORGE: [gets up] 'Cause it's signals, Jerry [starts snapping his fingers], it's signals!


Where'd he hit you? In the mug? If so, tell your wife, "Hey, I'm not real cool with hanging out with this guy, but if you insist, I understand. But if I get a free shot and he gives me cause, I'm gonna' drill him. Fair enough?"


So many insightful replies here. But if I may, I'd like to toss another one in the mix.

I have read this thread today and thought about it all day. I am no expert by any means, but have had similiar (not same) situations. A good friend of mine almost always tells me, when I protest about one thing or another, "Own your own issues and let others own theirs."

I understand how her seeming betrayal must be hurting you, and I emapathise with you in that regard. However, I am curious, given the sensitive nature of the topic, what prompted you to challenge your friend? What kind of outcome were you expecting when you confronted him?

The beauty of making your own decisions is that you are free to do as you wish. The risk is that at times, when things don't go as planned, our decisions costs us. In your case, you lost a friend. But is that act worth loosing your wife also? What would happen if you owned yours, and let others own theirs and let them read whatever messages they want? You know you meant well. You know you did it out of care. You know what really happened. You paid the price. Is it necessary to make your wife pay for it also?
Thanks for all of your responses. This happened several months ago and as far as things go it is rather low on the what's important scale. I was hoping that my wife could somehow put herself in my shoes here. My only question is how she could touch or let herself be touched by the guy that knocked her husband across the bar. It was and is a given that he is a pretty bad husband, father, friend long before we came along. I guess I may never know, and should not care, but taken in totality with other incidents in our 20 years together I'm just a little bummed. I know nothing about pschological techiques, I prefer facts and logic. Fact: I'm getting bad signals! Robin, to my wife this is no big deal. Lana, I wish you had been sitting on my shoulder asking what outcome I expected. I did learn from this and have remained neutral in all of our other friends divorces and spilts. There is definately something going on out here with all of the bad domestic scenes. FFFT, I'm a lover, not a fighter (well, I'm really both) but my friend was 6'2 and I wouln't think of hitting him! I really appreciate all of your help, I think I'll drop in more often. Adios,


You mentioned that this guy told a different story than what happened. Is your wife aware of the fact he hit you and the reason for it?
Ash, yep, I told her jsut after it happened. Funny you should ask, though. Just last night she said that since she was not there...Pretty sad state of affairs that she would doubt her husband, but she does.


I wonder if "the friend" has given her another story... Have you talked with your wife about how this bothers you?

I wish I had something wise and meaningful to share with you about this. :-(

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
Me too.

On the one hand, I can certainly see your point of view -- this guy attacked you and it feels like she is siding with him, or at least ignoring what he did. Her latest comment may mean she believes you provoked it or deserved it in some way -- has anything like this happened before that may give her reason to doubt you?

On the other hand, if she views this couple as friends, you are asking her to drop a friend because you dislike him -- I can understand why, at least in principle, she might have a problem with that.
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