I have a friend who suffers from depression and she pushes people away lots too. She even say she does. I have never known anyone like that ans it drives me crazy. She seem like one day she wants to talk lots and "loves me to death" the next or next week it is like she wants nothing to do with me. It alwaya seems like she calls when she is feeling down, I boost her self esteem, make her feel good, she tells me I am the only person she has ever felt close to and can talk to and the it is like she getts scared and pulls back. Why do people do that? Is is part of depression or more. I always feel that it is me but deep down I know that it is just how she is. Any idea on how to deal with feeling bad when she acts like this?
- Thread starter Jade
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ThatLady
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Yep. Just listen to what you, yourself, said, hon. "I always feel that it is me but deep down I know that it is just how she is."
Often, people who suffer from depression have incidents in their pasts that cause them to be afraid to trust, or afraid to get too close to people. That can bring about the kind of interchanges you describe. Best thing to do, in my opinion, is to try to be a friend when needed but allow her plenty of space. It's not always easy, but if you realize it's not something you've done that causes her to pull away, you won't tend to take it personally.
Often, people who suffer from depression have incidents in their pasts that cause them to be afraid to trust, or afraid to get too close to people. That can bring about the kind of interchanges you describe. Best thing to do, in my opinion, is to try to be a friend when needed but allow her plenty of space. It's not always easy, but if you realize it's not something you've done that causes her to pull away, you won't tend to take it personally.
I would try to remember that this isn't about you but your friend's problem.... it's not anything you're doing or not doing, b/c it sounds either way one day you're her saviour and the other day you're the enemy... I think you can try your best to be there for her, be consistant in how you respond to her, so show her that you care about her in whichever 'phase' she's in, but that you won't drop everything to 'rescue' her the next time she needs rescuing or let her drop you like a hot potato when she pulls away... if you're consistant in how you act and the messages you send you'll teach her that she can trust you, depend on you, and lean on you when needed but that she also needs to treat you accordingly... be patient most of all and don't give up on your friend- in a way, by pulling away she might try to protect herself from getting hurt...
Thanks to both of you for your words of encourgment. I guess this is so hard for me b/c I have never dealt with anyone like this before. I am the same today as I was yesterday with a friend. With her I never know to call her or not b/c you never now the response you will get. and then that makes me angry. I know that her actions of pushing and tell pulling people in are becuse she is scared of being hurt but when you go from talking to someone several times a day to hardly none one week then lots the next it is confusing.
She does not live near me anymore (600 miles away) and is going through a divorce and is on a man hunt big time. It always seems as though if she is preoccuiped with someone or something else she does not need me. but when something goes wrong she is calling me.
I am trying to be the best friend she says I am to her but this running hot and cold is driving me crazy.
She does not live near me anymore (600 miles away) and is going through a divorce and is on a man hunt big time. It always seems as though if she is preoccuiped with someone or something else she does not need me. but when something goes wrong she is calling me.
I am trying to be the best friend she says I am to her but this running hot and cold is driving me crazy.
hey Jade- I made you your own thread so that there's a better chance of getting more replies relevant to your situation....
the thing is, you can't really change her behaviour, but you can change yours. make it clear that you are there for her, listen to her when she needs you- just be her friend, but besides from that the reality is your life is still moving forward and she's responsible for hers. maybe w/ her divorce she's having a rough time figuring things out, and inadvertantly takes it out o your friendship as well? has she always been like this or just since then?
Instead of worrying about her reaction and about whether it'll be a week where you talk to her every day or not at all, why don't you try to set up a time where the two of you can catch up regularly... this way you don't have to worry about her mood interfering or trying to track her down ie. agree to talk every 2nd week on this day & at that time (increase/decrease time span to what seems most plausible). does she have an opinion on this? does a certain time seem more conviant for her?
I think there's certain friends where it doesn't matter how often you talk to them, they're your friends no matter what- geographical distance and frequency of conversations don't matter but I do think that there needs to be some effort on both parties's sides to keep this going over time. It sounds like your friend needs you when she, well "needs" you. But a friend isn't just a friend for the bad times or lonely times but also for the rest of the time. you can keep in giving, but in the end you know her best and can decide whether it's worth it and what's okay and what's not... I've been in friendships b/f where I felt like I was constantly giving and just calling me their best friend didn't make up for the lack of support when I needed someone... neither did it justify being there for them 24/7, always ready to rescue them.... I realized that wasn't really a friendship anymore, w/ some people you can talk about it and figure things out and w/ others you can't- hopefully you guys can.
the thing is, you can't really change her behaviour, but you can change yours. make it clear that you are there for her, listen to her when she needs you- just be her friend, but besides from that the reality is your life is still moving forward and she's responsible for hers. maybe w/ her divorce she's having a rough time figuring things out, and inadvertantly takes it out o your friendship as well? has she always been like this or just since then?
Instead of worrying about her reaction and about whether it'll be a week where you talk to her every day or not at all, why don't you try to set up a time where the two of you can catch up regularly... this way you don't have to worry about her mood interfering or trying to track her down ie. agree to talk every 2nd week on this day & at that time (increase/decrease time span to what seems most plausible). does she have an opinion on this? does a certain time seem more conviant for her?
I think there's certain friends where it doesn't matter how often you talk to them, they're your friends no matter what- geographical distance and frequency of conversations don't matter but I do think that there needs to be some effort on both parties's sides to keep this going over time. It sounds like your friend needs you when she, well "needs" you. But a friend isn't just a friend for the bad times or lonely times but also for the rest of the time. you can keep in giving, but in the end you know her best and can decide whether it's worth it and what's okay and what's not... I've been in friendships b/f where I felt like I was constantly giving and just calling me their best friend didn't make up for the lack of support when I needed someone... neither did it justify being there for them 24/7, always ready to rescue them.... I realized that wasn't really a friendship anymore, w/ some people you can talk about it and figure things out and w/ others you can't- hopefully you guys can.
Thanks Eunoia, to answer your question in a way she has alwaya ran hot and cold, but more so in the past few months. When she was living here I would talk with her serveral times a day, (I was the rescuer) you could say. And yes I like to feel needed. I guess I am co-dependent. I tend to atrracte friends that are needy or where I am always building their self esteem.
I think I feel kicked to the side or not needed anymore when she runs so hot and then cold with me. I am always left feeling like I was there and done eveything I could for her and now she left and what a friendship on her terms. Like I said, when things go wrong or she is feeling down she calls on me.
I know she as an issue with trust and says that she trust me more than anyone and feels closer to me than anyone.....so why would you act as if you need someone one day and then not the next. I am the same with her all the time.
Sorry to keep rambling I am just trying to figure this all out and thougth someone on here could help or had simlar issues.
thanks!
I think I feel kicked to the side or not needed anymore when she runs so hot and then cold with me. I am always left feeling like I was there and done eveything I could for her and now she left and what a friendship on her terms. Like I said, when things go wrong or she is feeling down she calls on me.
I know she as an issue with trust and says that she trust me more than anyone and feels closer to me than anyone.....so why would you act as if you need someone one day and then not the next. I am the same with her all the time.
Sorry to keep rambling I am just trying to figure this all out and thougth someone on here could help or had simlar issues.
thanks!
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