Getting rid of 'friends' to get better!

[2LA]

I think there's a point in life when you have to get rid of 'certain friends.'

You help them 'till you're blue and the minute you ask for an insignificant favor they balk; 'well i have to be in church within two hours.'

This particular individual spends at least 30 hours per week (including transportation time) 'in church!'

I complained to this individual that I had a 'life-or-death' matter in my hands when I asked for this favor and the individual responded with; 'but I had to attend to my church, to God!'

I reminded this individual that 'it'll' be with God FOREVER after death but that at this point 'it' should' consider helping a friend that has always been there fot 'it.'

In frustration I ended up declaring this individual's religion and God as SATANIC 'cause it was asking too much from my (now ex) friend.

I feel much better now that I've dumped 'this friend.' Though I feel cheated of all the favors I did incure not knowing that 'it'd' be a pretty selfish-type in the end.

I hope I described my situation corrctly. Believe me I was cheated.

God Bless all!

 

[Banned]

Welcome to Psychlinks, 2LA.

I do believe there comes a point when we must ask ourselves if our friends are building us up or tearing us down, especially when we are on the quest for wholeness. I know for me, I've worked too hard for too long to get where I am, and so people that can't support me and build me up are not people that remain in my life. Sometimes it's hard to let go of those relationships but its what we really must do.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I do believe there comes a point when we must ask ourselves if our friends are building us up or tearing us down, especially when we are on the quest for wholeness. I know for me, I've worked too hard for too long to get where I am, and so people that can't support me and build me up are not people that remain in my life. Sometimes it's hard to let go of those relationships but its what we really must do.

...and sometimes it takes a crisis before you figure out who are the real friends and who are the fairweather hangers-on.

 

[Sparrow]

A warm :welcome2: to you 2LA,

I have always found the very few but true friends I am blessed to be able to count on one hand are unconditional ones.
Beyond them, perhaps a little more quid pro quo should be in order for acquaintances. Mmm.. if they are even worth my breathe, I would call it nothing less than a healthy selfishness on my part.
That is to say, if someone only takes and never gives to me, I will avoid them for whatever kind of vampire (emotional,mental,or physical) they are.

 

[Sparrow]

Something else that sort of ties in here. A member (Lana?) posted a thought once... "Good fences, make good neighbours". Boy, what wake up call! :bonk:
I still have it taped to my mirror.

 

[2LA]

THX 4 the great responses! -and God Bless all!

I still think that 'we' should 'look-out' for energy-resource 'thieves' whether 'they' know it or not is irrelevent.

I like a saying that goes something like this: "He who receives eats well, but he who gives sleeps better."

The problem with 'helping others' is that 'there is only so much.' That if you could seperate the 'born takers' from the ones 'intending' to repay favors one could better end up helping more deserving individuals.

This particular individual was 'assisted' with at least $20,000 (at $200.00 per week plus a few vehicles along the way. Kept blowing motors due to lack of oil) by 'a capable' individual who pulled the rug out when very little progress and effort was seen. Individual claims to be a writer. The assistance was for individual to complete the manuscript.

What would be some signs from 'hoes,' -takers only?

I'm at a loss in seperating them since often 'they see me coming' and I don't know that they're waiting "for me."

I seem to trust 'too many.' The main purpose for wanting to 'learn' to seperate them is so that I can pass this information on to my children and others in similar situations as myself.

THX and God Bless ALL!

 

[Jazzey]

The problem with 'helping others' is that 'there is only so much.'

Yes -

I'm at a loss in seperating them since often 'they see me coming' and I don't know that they're waiting "for me."

I seem to trust 'too many.'

I think they see you coming because you keep offering the same rewards...(just a guess-from my experience). So maybe you have to ask yourself these questions:

Why do I feel the need to assist them?

What do I get out of it? (there has to be something that you feel from doing this otherwise you wouldn't keep doing it). For me - I feel a sense of happiness because I feel that I've helped someone...But, there's sometimes a heavy price attached - sometimes I can feel used (my fault though because I don't know where to draw the line at times).

How do I change this behavior?
Now, when I'm asked for a favor that I think may be a little too consuming for me, I ask the person if I can think about it for a while - ask if I can get back to them. Then I weigh the pros and cons (including who this person is to me, in my life). Then I respond accordingly.

Once you've learned your own tools 2LA, and you put them in place, your children will learn from your behaviors....

 

[2LA]

THX Jazzey! (and everyone who has responded too!)

I found this good link on 'givers and takers;'

Givers VS Takers

God Bless!

 

[Jazzey]

Hi 2LA,

thanks for the posting of the article (found at:url="http://www.abusefacts.com/articles/Givers-Takers.php)

"Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion [as a "taker" does], for God loves a cheerful giver."
(II Corinthians 9:7 NIV emphasis added)

While I think the list is good, I think that there needs to be a balance between giving and taking - neither extreme is good for us. That's why I like that they added the quote from the Corinthians. Particularly the part that says:"what he has decided in his heart to give". That's where the balance lies with me.

Cheers,

 

[Sparrow]

While I think the list is good, I think that there needs to be a balance between giving and taking - neither extreme is good for us. That's why I like that they added the quote from the Corinthians. Particularly the part that says:"what he has decided in his heart to give". That's where the balance lies with me.

''Modus omnibus in rebus" or "Moderation in all things".
Personally, I wish I could live it more than I know it as I can go to extremes somedays. Maybe it's just a permanent work in progress.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

''Modus omnibus in rebus"

I always thought that mean "Where are the buses when you need one?"...

 

[Sparrow]

Not at the train station???

 

[2LA]

....that would have made you a "Taker", looking to receive. How well did you fit the list then?

I 'guess' I was 'hoping' to 'collect' .000001% of 'my investment.'

The $3,500 or so I 'invested' could've been invested better with other 'more deserving' individuals. Made a mistake but I can live with it (the results won't kill me though I can't say I expected these negative results). Like I stated: when there is only so much....

God Bless All!

 

[Jazzey]

Hi 2LA,

I'm happy that you're ok with your decision to invest in your friend. This afternoon, when I said I liked the quote from Corinthians, I was getting to the following point: When / if we decide to give to others, we do so for our own motivations. We make the decision to give to that person (or not).

In your circumstances, I really understand why you would be hurt by the final circumstances. So, as Sparrow suggested in his response - it's a continuous work in progress. We learn what our own limits are, what we're comfortable with.

BTW - when I lend money to friends or family, I'm always prepared for the possibility that I won't get the money back. Otherwise, I may be disappointed and that relationship may be tarnished.

 

[Sparrow]

Hello 2LA,
Hope your doing okee-dokee. I do believe so, so hang on to that spirit!
0...% of whatever I do not understand, but my father always had a saying:
Money's nothing, just handy to have once in a while.
2LA, This forum is great. Take some time to be-bop, navigate, and to search the articles. There's a lot of guts and sincerity in them.
Hugs of :support: to you. O.K.... some free:flowers: too!

Sparrow added 15 Minutes and 56 Seconds later...

J:

when I lend money to friends or family, I'm always prepared for the possibility that I won't get the money back. Otherwise, I may be disappointed and that relationship may be tarnished.

Another twist I learned years ago as far as money goes in sincerity is to flat out give it and not to lend it, no expectations or disappointments that way.
Of course, with common sense and prudence mind you.

 

[2LA]

This website/forum certainly is a great venue. Hope I had come across way back.

The conflicts within our minds have the potential of crippling us and rendering the body useless.

We have to nurture our minds with positive purposeful endeavors and stay clear of negative entities.

Cheers!

 

[successful_workthru]

..and sometimes, because of your personality, you draw certain types of people to you...or, at least, that's been my experience.

Same here.
In my case, I need to continue to gain insight, on many levels.
My psychological vision and perception is limited at the minute, but as I gain insight, I will see more aspects to the situation, and this will alter my feelings.
This will reflect out to others, so hangers on won't bother with me, but genuine people will.

In the past, I have attracted people in bad moods, who attack me, just to vent their own anger, as they see me as an easy target.
I had limited vision and as I saw myself as a victim to this, life reflected this back to me.
As I started knocking on, it made me feel mentaly and physialy worse, so I have been driven to make the necessary changes.

 

[SuzyCerca]

The way I read this situation, you did not "dump a friend"

You terminated a blood donor agreement with an energy vampire.

Celebrate that you had the good sense to make the necessary changes in your life and don't look back.

Friendship is a two way street!

I think there's a point in life when you have to get rid of 'certain friends.'

You help them 'till you're blue and the minute you ask for an insignificant favor they balk; 'well i have to be in church within two hours.'

This particular individual spends at least 30 hours per week (including transportation time) 'in church!'

I complained to this individual that I had a 'life-or-death' matter in my hands when I asked for this favor and the individual responded with; 'but I had to attend to my church, to God!'

I reminded this individual that 'it'll' be with God FOREVER after death but that at this point 'it' should' consider helping a friend that has always been there fot 'it.'

In frustration I ended up declaring this individual's religion and God as SATANIC 'cause it was asking too much from my (now ex) friend.

I feel much better now that I've dumped 'this friend.' Though I feel cheated of all the favors I did incure not knowing that 'it'd' be a pretty selfish-type in the end.

I hope I described my situation corrctly. Believe me I was cheated.

God Bless all!