David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Grief Can Hit Hard During Holidays
By Robin Williams Adams, THE LEDGER
Friday, November 28, 2008
Deep sorrow must be faced; counselors suggest how to cope.
LAKELAND, FL -- Ignoring grief during the holiday season doesn't make it go away.
When someone you love isn't there anymore, that person's absence stands out.
"It's a time when families get together and are willing, for the most part, to put their little differences and grievances behind them," said Fran Gabaldon, mental health therapist and bereavement counselor in the Lakeland office of Hope Hospice.
"When one important family member is missing, it hits hard."
Local grief counselors say it's important to face grief during the holidays, and offer ways to cope during what can be a difficult time.
The first holiday period is often thought to be the hardest, but for some, the second year may be worse.
Rica Walker, master's level grief counselor at Good Shepherd Hospice, has heard that from many people.
People surround you the first holiday season after a loved one dies, she said, but they often expect people to move past their grief by the second year.
That's easier said than done.
"We can't not face our grief at the holidays," said Peter Covert, grief counselor at Cornerstone Hospice's Winter Haven office.
"Relatives come together and there's empty chairs and we're confronting it."
Hannah Phillips, whose beloved husband of 50 years, Ron, died of lung cancer in June 2007, said the thought of a second Christmas without him seems harder than it did the first year he was gone.
"It hurts to think about it," she said. "I don't want to think about the music and the shopping."
In a more hopeful note, she tells others facing a similar experience that the days preceding a holiday tend to be worse than the actual day.
"The day goes on and you look back and say, 'I did it. I got through it,'' she said, pointing out that a similar situation can occur with other significant dates like the loved one's birthday or a wedding anniversary.
The grief is real. It needs to be faced. All three counselors, as well as Phillips, agree on that.
They also say the best way for most people to deal with it isn't trying to shut out the world and make it go away.
"Stay connected to other people and share what's in your heart," said Phillips, who joined an ongoing grief support group at Cornerstone.
It's possible to acknowledge loss by talking about the person and feeling free to have sad feelings without letting the loss take center stage.
"Adult children don't want to talk to the (surviving) parent for fear of upsetting them," Covert said. "The parent doesn't want to talk to the children for fear of upsetting them. But it's exactly what they have to do."
Discuss which holiday traditions are essential and which might be changed as a coping mechanism.
A seemingly simple item - the chair in which someone who died always sat - can become an emotional obstacle if ignored. For one family, leaving the chair empty can be soothing, a sign someone is there in spirit. For another, one person may want to sit in the chair to avoid seeing it empty.
"It needs to be unique to their family and circumstances," Gabaldon said.
Yet there are some common needs, such as trying to hit the right balance between holiday traditions and making some changes. Counselors often suggest doing something different, such as eating in a different place, having a few new foods or switching the order of the day.
"A person has to decide what they can handle comfortably," Walker said.
The holidays are a mixture of joy and sadness for Walker and her husband, Derrick, whose young child came home from the hospital on Thanksgiving four years ago but died less than two weeks before that Christmas.
"He would be 4 now and he would be telling me what he would want for Christmas," she said.
That first Christmas, they rented a place to stay with their other children for a couple of days.
"We haven't done it again since then," she said. "We went back to the traditions."
Along with old traditions, however, they created new ones. They light a candle for Kerrick, the baby boy they lost, and decorate his grave.
Comfort may come by doing small things for others, like baking cookies for a neighbor or donating in memory of the person who died.
"Tell the stories, honor the memories. ... Create a ritual as a way of honoring the memory of those who are gone," Covert said.
People need to share their concerns about the holidays, each grief counselor said. Cry if you want to and don't be shy about asking for support.
Grief support groups are one way to receive and give support.
Phillips and a few others in a Cornerstone group were getting together on Thanksgiving to share the holiday meal.
Cornerstone and Hope hospices have ongoing grief support groups. Good Shepherd offers six-week grief support groups throughout the year.
One-time programs that address holiday grief also are scheduled.
Robin Williams Adams can be reached at robin.adams@theledger.com or 863-802-7558. Read her blog at robinsrx.theledger.com.
By Robin Williams Adams, THE LEDGER
Friday, November 28, 2008
Deep sorrow must be faced; counselors suggest how to cope.
LAKELAND, FL -- Ignoring grief during the holiday season doesn't make it go away.
When someone you love isn't there anymore, that person's absence stands out.
"It's a time when families get together and are willing, for the most part, to put their little differences and grievances behind them," said Fran Gabaldon, mental health therapist and bereavement counselor in the Lakeland office of Hope Hospice.
"When one important family member is missing, it hits hard."
Local grief counselors say it's important to face grief during the holidays, and offer ways to cope during what can be a difficult time.
The first holiday period is often thought to be the hardest, but for some, the second year may be worse.
Rica Walker, master's level grief counselor at Good Shepherd Hospice, has heard that from many people.
People surround you the first holiday season after a loved one dies, she said, but they often expect people to move past their grief by the second year.
That's easier said than done.
"We can't not face our grief at the holidays," said Peter Covert, grief counselor at Cornerstone Hospice's Winter Haven office.
"Relatives come together and there's empty chairs and we're confronting it."
Hannah Phillips, whose beloved husband of 50 years, Ron, died of lung cancer in June 2007, said the thought of a second Christmas without him seems harder than it did the first year he was gone.
"It hurts to think about it," she said. "I don't want to think about the music and the shopping."
In a more hopeful note, she tells others facing a similar experience that the days preceding a holiday tend to be worse than the actual day.
"The day goes on and you look back and say, 'I did it. I got through it,'' she said, pointing out that a similar situation can occur with other significant dates like the loved one's birthday or a wedding anniversary.
The grief is real. It needs to be faced. All three counselors, as well as Phillips, agree on that.
They also say the best way for most people to deal with it isn't trying to shut out the world and make it go away.
"Stay connected to other people and share what's in your heart," said Phillips, who joined an ongoing grief support group at Cornerstone.
It's possible to acknowledge loss by talking about the person and feeling free to have sad feelings without letting the loss take center stage.
"Adult children don't want to talk to the (surviving) parent for fear of upsetting them," Covert said. "The parent doesn't want to talk to the children for fear of upsetting them. But it's exactly what they have to do."
Discuss which holiday traditions are essential and which might be changed as a coping mechanism.
A seemingly simple item - the chair in which someone who died always sat - can become an emotional obstacle if ignored. For one family, leaving the chair empty can be soothing, a sign someone is there in spirit. For another, one person may want to sit in the chair to avoid seeing it empty.
"It needs to be unique to their family and circumstances," Gabaldon said.
Yet there are some common needs, such as trying to hit the right balance between holiday traditions and making some changes. Counselors often suggest doing something different, such as eating in a different place, having a few new foods or switching the order of the day.
"A person has to decide what they can handle comfortably," Walker said.
The holidays are a mixture of joy and sadness for Walker and her husband, Derrick, whose young child came home from the hospital on Thanksgiving four years ago but died less than two weeks before that Christmas.
"He would be 4 now and he would be telling me what he would want for Christmas," she said.
That first Christmas, they rented a place to stay with their other children for a couple of days.
"We haven't done it again since then," she said. "We went back to the traditions."
Along with old traditions, however, they created new ones. They light a candle for Kerrick, the baby boy they lost, and decorate his grave.
Comfort may come by doing small things for others, like baking cookies for a neighbor or donating in memory of the person who died.
"Tell the stories, honor the memories. ... Create a ritual as a way of honoring the memory of those who are gone," Covert said.
People need to share their concerns about the holidays, each grief counselor said. Cry if you want to and don't be shy about asking for support.
Grief support groups are one way to receive and give support.
Phillips and a few others in a Cornerstone group were getting together on Thanksgiving to share the holiday meal.
Cornerstone and Hope hospices have ongoing grief support groups. Good Shepherd offers six-week grief support groups throughout the year.
One-time programs that address holiday grief also are scheduled.
Robin Williams Adams can be reached at robin.adams@theledger.com or 863-802-7558. Read her blog at robinsrx.theledger.com.
